3 Harsh Facts about Long-Distance Relationships No One Tells You 

I’ve been in a long-distance relationship for 6 years. To say that it’s been challenging would be an understatement. Looking back, here are 3 harsh facts long-distance relationships:

1. Maintaining a long-distance relationship is the easiest part 
2. You’ll experience loneliness differently 
3. A long-distance relationship will cost you 

I hope I didn’t scare you off already! If you and your partner have just started your long-distance relationship journey or you’re still contemplating whether you should, I want to be honest with you about my experience and what I’ve learned. 

I’ll ease into this topic by first sharing 3 harsh facts about long-distance relationships no one tells you and how to navigate them. 

Don’t worry, it’s not all doom and gloom. Entering a long-distance relationship requires a shift in perspective and an understanding that while it might be difficult, you must believe that it’ll be worth it. 

Summary 

• 3 harsh facts about long-distance relationships no one tells you 
• 8 ways to survive long-distance relationships 
• Frequently asked questions 
• Conclusion 

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3 Harsh Facts About Long-Distance Relationships No One Tells You 

1. Maintaining a long-distance relationship is the easiest part 

You’re probably wondering what I mean by this when the title says 3 harsh facts about long-distance relationships. 

When my boyfriend and I started our long-distance relationship, we experienced a couple of challenges: 

Scheduling video calls

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My boyfriend and I live in two different time zones so scheduling video calls that could accommodate our time zones was difficult. 

There were periods when we’d both be so busy at work, that scheduling a video call would be impossible. We had to depend on text messaging to maintain contact. 

Handling miscommunication 

When you rely on text messaging for communication, it can sometimes be misinterpreted. 

This is because we don’t hear the tone and see the body language when our partners are trying to convey how they feel. 

Losing emotional connection 

One of the 3 harsh facts about long-distance relationships is that you’ll experience a lack of emotional connection. 

Virtual date nights will go stale and you might start to question whether it’s worth pursuing this journey. 

We eventually managed these challenges (which I’ll explain later in this article) but I won’t deny how difficult the process can be. 

However, once you fall into a rhythm or routine, you’re able to maintain a long-distance relationship. 

Getting to this point is easier compared to addressing this question: what’s next?

When you’re in a long-distance relationship, you have to navigate the uncertainty that comes with it such as: 

When will you see each other next?

You need to plan when you’ll see each other next. This process of planning includes determining where you both will meet and for how long. 

This needs to be done in advance so that you can take leave from work. 

When will your long-distance relationship end?

You need to establish a rough timeline of when you want to end being in a long-distance relationship. You need to be realistic about how long it will take to get there. 

Not only that, part of the 3 harsh facts long-distance relationships is you have to start addressing serious questions and being prepared for what happens after you’ve completed your long-distance relationship such as: 

Where do you want to start your next chapter together?

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If you aren’t from the same country, then you need to decide where you want to start your next chapter together. 

The person who decides to uproot their life will be the one who will experience more changes compared to the other. 

So you both need to be ready to support each other during this transition. 

What job opportunities are available? 

One of the 3 harsh truths about long distance relationships is having to think about whether there are any work opportunities available for your partner in your country. 

This decision might influence where you both will choose to live at the end of your long-distance journey. 

How will you integrate your lives? 

Being physically together doesn’t mean all your problems go away. You might find it challenging to adjust your life to accommodate the other. 

When you’re physically together, you need to decide on matters that might not have required much attention in a long-distance relationship. 

This includes deciding on how to split bills and distributing household chores if you both decide to move in together. 

How will you navigate your cultural and religious differences? 

If you’re both from different cultural and religious backgrounds, then part of the 3 harsh truths about long-distance relationships is that you’ll need to learn how to navigate these differences. 

Are there certain customs or rituals you’ll need to practice before you get married? 

For instance, my boyfriend is English and I’m Malaysian. For our marriage to be recognized in Malaysia, he will need to convert. 

Does your country require certain rules to be abided by for the marriage to be recognized? 

Are there any language barriers your partner needs to overcome when he or she moves to your country, and will you be able to assist him with this? 

It’s a difficult but necessary conversation.

2. You’ll experience loneliness differently 

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When you’re physically distant from your partner, you’ll feel lonely in more ways than one. 

Even if you’ve developed a routine, it will creep up occasionally and this might influence your mental health. Here are some of the ways you’ll experience loneliness:

When you need physical intimacy 

An obvious one but part of the 3 harsh facts about long-distance relationships no one tells you is how lonely you’ll feel when physical intimacy isn’t readily available to you especially when you need it the most. 

When you’re back from a long stressful day at work or if you’re feeling low, all you want is a cuddle or a hug from your partner. 

It broke my heart when I realized that text messages and verbal affirmations weren’t enough to console my boyfriend when his loved one passed away. 

When physical intimacy from your partner isn’t available during moments of grief, it can feel isolating. 

When they’re not there during significant events 

One of the 3 harsh facts long distance relationships is that you’ll feel lonely, especially during significant events. 

Assuming you can’t be there due to work, schedule conflicts, or other obligations, you and your partner will miss birthdays, Valentine’s Day, and other significant milestones that you want to celebrate. 

If you get a promotion at work, you can’t just go out and celebrate with your partner over the weekend. 

Recently, what’s made me feel lonely is being invited to weddings and not being able to bring my boyfriend as my plus one. 

When you compare your relationship to others 

You’ll feel lonely when you’re scrolling through social media and see couples together. If you’re not mindful, you’ll begin to compare your relationship to others. 

For instance, they can run errands, go on spontaneous dates, or stay at home together. It’s these little things that we don’t have access to that can make us feel lonely. 

When it feels like your relationship is moving slower than others 

One of the 3 harsh facts about long-distance relationships is that you’ll feel you’re progressing slower than others.

Your peers might be getting engaged or married. You might have friends who are moving abroad for work. 

You’ll notice your circle transitioning to the next stage of their lives whereas you’re still scheduling video calls. 

It’ll be hard not to feel behind in life. That’s why both of you must be clear about where this relationship is going. 

You’ll also need to accept that your journey might take longer than others to get there. 

When your loved ones cannot relate to your situation 

Being in a long-distance relationship isn’t a unique situation. However, it can feel isolating when you’re surrounded by loved ones who don’t understand the pain points of being in one.

There are challenges in a long-distance relationship that those in a standard relationship won’t have to endure. 

While they can try their best to empathize, they won’t be able to relate to your situation. 

Finding a network or community of long-distance couples can go a long way in offering the emotional support you need. 

When your loved ones ask you questions about your long-distance relationship 

Your friends and family will ask you how you’re handling your long-distance relationship. 

Or they might ask you what’s next and how long you intend to stay in a long-distance relationship. 

While some might mean well, these questions might overwhelm you and can make you feel like you’re being interrogated. 

3. A long-distance relationship will cost you 

The third factor under the 3 harsh facts about long distance relationships is that it will cost you. 

Here are just a few of the expenses you’ll need to incur in a long-distance relationship: 

Buying flight tickets to see each other 

If you’re both living in two separate countries, that would mean having to spend money on flight tickets. 

You’ll have to be smart about budgeting and looking for flight deals. 

Legal and administrative fees 

When one of you intends to move, it’s strongly advised to consult with a lawyer who can advise on your visa application. 

You’ll need to incur costs for legal fees, visa processing fees, and other administrative costs. 

Paying off any debt 

If you have any debt that needs to be paid off, then you might need to settle these financial obligations before you decide to move. 

This might delay your timeline to move for your partner if you choose to do so. 

All this will equate to a substantial amount of money so you need to be financially prepared to embark on this long-distance relationship. 

8 Ways To Navigate Long-Distance Relationships 

1. Embrace the loneliness 

I know this is easier said than done, but you must not suppress your loneliness. Your emotions are temporary and they fluctuate depending on how you’re feeling. 

We cannot control the emotion itself, but we can control how we respond and manage it. Whenever you’re feeling lonely, it’s okay to acknowledge it and express it with your partner. 

He or she is the other person in this dynamic so they’ll be able to relate to how you’re feeling. Identify specific activities that make you feel better when you’re feeling lonely. 

It could be going for a walk, meditating, or meeting a close friend. Healthy coping mechanisms like these can help alleviate that feeling of loneliness. 

2. Create a shared vision 

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Choosing to be in a long-distance relationship means you intend to close the distance and be physically together – that should be the shared vision. 

To help navigate uncertainty, you must address the questions mentioned earlier so that you both are clear on what you both want and what compromises need to be made to achieve this shared vision. 

If you decide where to move, set an intention next time you visit to explore the area and experience living like a local. 

If both of you are keen to start a family, consider where would be the best place to raise them or what the job prospects are like. 

You can consult with a legal advisor on the process of moving and what to expect so that you can make an informed decision. 

3. Establish goals and schedule check-ins 

Discuss with each other what goals you want to achieve together as a couple. It could be establishing where you want to live together by a certain year or when to get engaged. 

The intention of setting goals is to manage uncertainty and to ensure that you’re both working towards your shared vision. 

Break your goals down into small actionable steps so that you’re closing the gap between where you both are now and where you want to be. 

You can also schedule bi-weekly check-ins to review your progress. You might experience setbacks or external factors might impact your progress. 

I’m here to assure you that it’s normal. You must treat each other with compassion during these moments. If you need to move the needle slightly to achieve your goals, then so be it. 

4. View space apart as a time for personal growth 

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One way to shift your perspective about long-distance relationships is to view the time apart from each other as an opportunity to learn about yourself. 

Your relationship doesn’t define who you are or your whole life. There are so many aspects of you that need tending to as well like your friendships, family, hobbies, and interests. 

So as you navigate your long-distance relationship, don’t neglect your personal growth. 

5. Have something to look forward to 

Don’t forget to plan for joy with your partner. This means deciding when you’ll see each other again. Perhaps you can discuss and budget to travel somewhere new together. 

Your long-distance relationship shouldn’t stop you from making plans to have fun together. 

6. Make bids for connection 

This is an important lesson from American psychologist, Dr. John Gottman. Based on his research, he believes that the no.1 reason for divorce or break-ups is a lack of bids for connection. 

Bids refer to small acts of kindness that are done consistently for your partner. 

When our partner turns towards these bids by accepting or reciprocating them, then this will strengthen a relationship’s emotional connection.  

A bid that I do consistently with my boyfriend is to send him a good morning text. While it isn’t much, it’s a small gesture that lets my boyfriend know I’m thinking about him. 

So think about what small acts you both can do to maintain your emotional connection. 

7. Establish a communication schedule 

At the start of the week, be upfront about each other’s schedule. If either one of you is busy, schedule longer video calls at the end of the week to compensate. 

Otherwise, establish a communication schedule and commit to it. To do this, decide what time would be convenient and accommodates both your timelines. 

8. Reassure each other 

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As I mentioned earlier regarding the 3 harsh facts long-distance relationships, you will be tested in more ways than one. 

When in doubt, it’s important to remember why you’ve chosen to be in this relationship. Reach out for emotional support from your partner and reassure each other that everything will work out. 

Frequently Asked Questions 

What are the harsh realities of long-distance relationships?

Physical separation can trigger loneliness, weaken trust without face-to-face interaction, and test the relationship through occasional jealousy and insecurity. 

Long-distance relationships aren’t without emotional challenges. Besides physical separation, you’ll experience emotional distance. 

What is the biggest problem in long-distance relationships?

Studies suggest that differing views about commitment among partners, having unrealistic ideals of the ‘perfect relationship’, and becoming avoidant in communication are the reasons why LDRs become difficult to sustain in the long term (Pistole, Roberts, & Chapman, 2010; Maguire & Kinney, 2010).

Can long-distance destroy relationships?

The unresolved issues that come from differing expectations can kill long-distance relationships. The absence of communication, compromise, and differing expectations will cause couples to gradually and reluctantly grow apart. 

Couples in long-distance relationships must discuss these issues before it’s too late. 

Conclusion 

There are 3 harsh facts about long-distance relationships. Being in a long-distance relationship is not easy. 

However, the silver lining of long-distance relationships is that they’re temporary. Provided that you both are willing to put in the work, you will eventually close the distance and be together. All the best!