jealousy in a long-distance relationship (10 top tips)

You’re experiencing jealousy in a long-distance relationship and you feel awful. Firstly, it’s good that you’ve acknowledged this emotion. 

My boyfriend and I are in a long-distance relationship and jealousy is something we had to navigate before. So, I know how uncomfortable jealousy in a long-distance relationship feels. 

Often, we feel ashamed for feeling jealous because it’s associated with feeling insecure or possessive depending on how severe it is. 

However, I’ve learned that feeling jealous is normal and everyone experiences it. What’s important is how we respond to jealousy. 

Rather than let jealousy spiral out of control by making us more insecure or possessive over our partners, it should be viewed as a call to pause and look inward. 

By reflecting on why we’re feeling jealousy in a long-distance relationship, we can understand ourselves better and identify what we need to do to overcome this emotion. 

I’ll walk you through this process of reflection and help you and or your partner navigate jealousy in a long-distance relationship. 

Summary

• What does it mean when you’re experiencing jealousy in a long-distance relationship? 
• How to deal with jealousy in a long-distance relationship
• Recognizing when jealousy in a long-distance relationship is unhealthy 
• Frequently asked questions 
  • Why am I insecure in my long-distance relationship? 
  • Am I jealous or insecure? 
  • How to know when a long-distance relationship is over? 
• Conclusion 

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What Does It Mean When You’re Experiencing Jealousy In A Long-Distance Relationship? 

Jealousy is a response to a perceived threat (real or imagined). Jealousy can be categorized into two types: suspicious jealousy and reactive jealousy. 

The difference between the two is that the former is caused by a potential rival relationship whereas the latter is based on a real rival relationship. 

The former could be rooted in feeling insecure and having low self-esteem. For instance, you might be in a secure relationship and yet you feel jealous that your boyfriend is spending time with his colleague. 

This is because you feel insecure that your boyfriend might leave you for someone else despite there being no evidence of the fact and that he truly adores you!

The latter could be because there is actual evidence of someone threatening the relationship. For example, maybe an ex-partner is back in the picture and talking to your boyfriend. 

Whatever the cause, there’s always a healthy way to respond to feeling jealousy in a long-distance relationship. 

How To Deal With Jealousy In A Long-Distance Relationship 

1. Acknowledge your feelings 

The first step towards dealing with jealousy in a long-distance relationship is to acknowledge your feelings. 

Now I don’t mean beating yourself up about feeling jealous. Instead, I want you to identify this emotion as something separate. Like a visitor of your mind. 

Allowing yourself to sit with jealousy rather than let it affect you is a healthier way to cope with this emotion. 

So next time, you’re feeling jealous, rather than feel bad about it or let it make you feel resentful, simply notice it. 

2. Challenge your assumptions 

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It’s important to distinguish what your partner said or did versus your assumptions. 

When we’re not mindful, our thoughts can dream up scenarios that only fuel our jealousy. For instance, your boyfriend informed you that he’s going out with a female friend.

You don’t hear from him all night and you’re feeling jealous. You’ve now assumed that he’s spent the night with her. 

Unless your boyfriend has cheated before or has shown signs of being unfaithful, then these assumptions are irrational and will only make you feel worse. 

So if you find yourself in this position, a helpful way to challenge your negative thoughts is to try the Thought Record writing exercise. 

Thought Record is a cognitive behavioral therapy exercise that allows you to capture and review your thoughts about a specific situation using 7 prompts.  

Following the 7 prompts can give you a better picture of how your thoughts and actions are linked, and challenge you to shift your thinking to one that is more realistic to your situation. 

Here’s a link to the table if you’d like a PDF version.

3. Identify why you’re feeling jealous 

Knowing why you’re feeling jealous long-distance relationship requires some time and reflection. Here are a few prompts for your reflection: 

• What specific incident or incidents made you feel jealous? 
• Is there anything that your partner is doing that’s making you feel jealous? 
• Was there anything that your partner said that made you feel jealous? 
• Is there another person that you feel threatened by and is making you feel jealous? 
• Are you comparing your relationship to anyone else’s? Why? 
• On a scale of 1-10, how good is your relationship? Explain your score. 

Again, jealousy is a response to a perceived threat so identify what’s making you feel unsafe in the relationship. 

Answering these prompts will help you unpack what’s triggering jealousy in your long-distance relationship. 

4. Communicate your concerns

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Feeling jealous long distance relationship can signal that your needs aren’t met. An external factor has threatened the relationship and you feel unsafe. 

If this is the case, communicate your concerns kindly to your partner. When discussing, use “I statement” rather than “You statements” so that the focus of the conversation is on how you feel. 

Specify what is making you feel jealous. Saying things like “You never want to spend with me” is too general. 

This will also make your partner want to defend their actions rather than listen to understand you because it sounds like an attack on his character. 

Instead, you could say, “I noticed you’ve been spending a lot of time with your workmates and we’ve hardly spent time together. It’s making me feel jealous”. 

By being specific and honest with your feelings, hopefully, this will invite your partner to be compassionate and understanding. 

If his behavior has triggered an insecurity, then you also need to do the inner work of overcoming that insecurity. 

5. Establish boundaries 

Boundaries refer to rules of engagement that you’re comfortable with. They define what behavior you’re comfortable with and what you won’t tolerate it. 

It communicates how you like to be treated. In this case, communicate to your boyfriend what your boundaries are. 

Explain to him that his relationship with the other person is making you feel uncomfortable and why. Discuss what behavior you will and will not tolerate. 

6. Continue building a secure relationship 

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If you’re comparing your relationship to others, then it would appear you’re envious rather than jealous in your long-distance relationship. 

While jealousy is often rooted in the fear that something will be taken away from you, envy means you want what someone else has. 

I understand how envious you must be of couples who can see each other whenever they like. 

The distance can take its toll so you must remind each other why you’re committed to this relationship. 

Identify why you’re envious of certain couples and see how you can incorporate it into your relationship.

If seeing a couple physically together makes you envious, discuss with your partner when you’re seeing each other next and what steps you’re taking to close the gap. 

7. Make bids for connection 

Another way to overcome jealousy in a long-distance relationship is to ask each other how you’d like to be cared for. 

Marriage expert and therapist, Dr. John Gottman encourages couples to make bids for connection. 

Bids for connection refer to consistent small or big acts of kindness that are done to our partners. When our partner responds positively to these bids, it can lead to a loving relationship. 

So think of several ways to make each other feel secure. It could be sending a text message every morning like what my boyfriend and I do. 

Or a quick call to let the other person know they’re back from a night out. Of course, it also has to be practical for you and your partner. 

For instance, you might encounter busy periods at work and might not be able to communicate as often. 

Learning to be flexible with the frequency of communication is necessary but communicate a compromise that’s doable for both parties so that you maintain an emotional connection. 

For instance, communicate with your partner that you’ll be busy at work but you can schedule an online date night to make up for it. 

Not only will you feel secure, but you’ll eliminate envy in a long-distance relationship if you actively work towards maintaining an emotional connection. 

8. Continue working on yourself 

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If feeling jealous in a long-distance relationship is rooted in your insecurity or low self-esteem, then you must unpack why you feel this way.  

Is it because you think you’re not worthy of your partner’s love?  

Well, I’m here to reassure you that your thoughts don’t define you, and they aren’t facts. So if you find yourself bogged down by them, spend 5 minutes just writing them down. 

Writing like a stream of consciousness will help clear your head. You can also use the Thought Record writing exercise previously mentioned if you’re looking for a structured writing practice. 

Another practice you must consider is saying positive affirmations. Some phrases you could say are “I am worthy of love” or “I am enough”. 

I know it sounds cringy but the more we verbalize these affirmations to ourselves, the less insecure we’ll feel.  

9. Identify your strengths 

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Instead of enabling jealousy in a long-distance relationship to consume you, focus on identifying your strengths. 

Take some time to reflect on what your strengths are. These include skills and personality traits. You can ask your close friends and family what they think your strengths are. 

It might seem like an uncomfortable practice but the point of this exercise is to remind yourself how great you are! 

10. Seek professional help  

If you have the financial means and need additional support to navigate your emotions, I’d encourage you to see a licensed therapist or counselor. 

Having a third-party expert listen to your concerns is a great way to clear your head. 

They can also offer practical solutions to help manage jealousy and help you be a better version of yourself. 

Recognizing when jealousy in a long-distance relationship is unhealthy 

Displaying any of the behaviors below is a sign that jealousy has negatively impacted your long-distance relationship and that it’s no longer a healthy one:  

• Constantly feeling worried when your partner is out 
• Demanding your partner to call or text when they’re out so that you can monitor them 
• Stalking their whereabouts online 
• Irrationally prohibiting them from seeing certain friends 
• Excessively questioning where they went and with who because you don’t trust them 

If this continues and neither of you is actively trying to resolve this, then you might be better off ending the relationship.

Frequently Asked Questions 

Why am I so insecure in my long-distance relationship?

You might have future concerns over the presence of significant others in respective partners’ life. This can make you feel neglected and insecure over your value in your partner’s life.  

Am I jealous or insecure? 

They’re related in that jealousy involves insecurity and feeling threatened. Jealousy can stem from fear of losing someone you love to a third person. This differs from envy which is comparing yourself to others and coming up short.

How to know when a long-distance relationship is over?

A clear sign is that they don’t share their feelings with you and don’t ask about how you feel. Your partner has lost interest in what you do, your needs, and your feelings. They don’t make an effort to stay in touch and make plans. 

Conclusion

Due to the negative associations surrounding jealousy, it’s easy for our minds to spiral and make us feel bad for feeling jealous. 

However, I’m here to remind you that jealousy and even jealousy in a long distance relationship is normal. It doesn’t define you or the relationship. So don’t be hard on yourself. 

The only thing we can do is control how we respond to jealousy. Doing so proactively and with the support of your partner, I’m sure you’ll be able to overcome it. All the best!