dating with intention – the complete guide
So you’ve decided to throw yourself into the deep end and explore dating with intention. According to a study from Pew Research Center, 47% of Americans say dating is harder now than it was 10 years ago.
Even just from talking to friends who are dating, I know how confusing, frustrating, and overwhelming the process can be.
While we cannot control the dating landscape, we can control how we approach dating, and that is by dating with intention.
Dating with intention isn’t a magical solution to finding your life partner, but it is a step in the right direction. In this article, I’ll explain what dating with intention or dating to marry truly means and provide practical steps to help make it less daunting.
Summary
- Understanding dating intentionally
- What does dating with intention mean
- Benefits of dating with intention
- How to date with intention
- What to do before dating with intention
- How to get to know your date with intention
- What do you do after dating with intention
- Frequently asked questions
- What is the difference between casual dating and intentional dating?
- What is flirting with intent?
- Should you date with intention to marry?
- Conclusion
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DISCLOSURE
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Understanding dating intentionally
This segment breaks down what dating with intention means, its benefits, and how it differs from casual dating.
What does dating with intention mean?
Dating with intention means being purposeful in your approach to finding a partner. This may differ from the culture of modern dating where it feels like you’re on a conveyor belt of dates that leave you exhausted and underwhelmed.
Dating intentionally doesn’t start with learning how to impress someone on a first date but rather slowing down, looking inward, and truly understanding who we are and what we’re looking for in a partner.
Dating with intention means dating to get to know someone genuinely and identifying if their fundamental values and interests align with ours. Then, reflect on whether this person is compatible as a long-term partner.
Benefits of dating with intention
1. Opportunity for self-discovery
Most will find their attempts at dating futile if they don’t lead to a good date, let alone a serious relationship. However, the benefits of dating with intention can be found in the process.
Dating intentionally with the same person or several others will help you gather new information and lessons that reaffirm who you are and what you need in a partner.
2. Authentic connection
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As mentioned earlier, dating intentionally means wanting to know someone genuinely, not impress them. You’ll foster meaningful conversations which can lead to a fulfilling relationship when both parties approach dating this way.
3. Time efficient
By entering a date knowing what you’re looking for in a partner, it will be easier to discern if your date has potential. If they don’t, then it’ll be easier for you to end the date and move on.
How to date with intention
This segment will help you navigate what to do before, during, and after your date. However, if you’d like a more detailed breakdown, read this article here.
What to do before dating with intention
1. Be clear about what you want in your life
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Before dating with intention, spend 10-15 minutes writing down your answer to this question: What does the ideal version of your life look like?
Do you want a white picket house with two kids? Do you want to travel the world? Do you want to climb the corporate ladder?
Doing this exercise will help you identify if the person you’re dating shares similar life goals and is someone who can help you fulfill this life vision.
You don’t want to be dating someone who doesn’t want kids when you’ve envisioned a future starting a family.
2. Identify your core values
Values refer to fundamental beliefs that help guide our behavior and determine what’s important in our lives.
So, how do you identify your core values? Firstly, read your answer to the question earlier about your ideal life. What values appear? Then ask yourself, if you’ve been behaving by these values. If not, how can you start?
You want to find a partner with similar values to foster a more united relationship. It’s the foundation for respect, which I feel is more important than love.
3. Continue working on yourself
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Dating with intention doesn’t mean neglecting your personal goals. Other areas in your life are just as important and need attention.
Continue fostering your friendships and relationships with your family. Work hard and develop good financial, physical, and mental habits. You also want to be the right person, not just find the right person.
Another area to work on is continuing to build your self-esteem. Your self-esteem will fluctuate when you’re dating, as realistically, you’ll be met with rejection and several bad dates.
For moments like these, it’s important to strengthen your self-esteem so that you don’t feel completely dejected and to stop you from lowering your standards.
A few ways to improve your self-esteem include practicing self-compassion, replacing negative thoughts with positive affirmations, and surrounding yourself with those who uplift you.
High self-esteem can contribute to positive well-being and boost self-confidence.
4. Set clear boundaries and enforce them
Boundaries are about being firm with ourselves and others over what you will and will not tolerate, or behaviors you will and won’t accept.
Once you identify your boundaries, you must enforce them. For example, you cannot tolerate tardiness and your date is always late.
Don’t hesitate to tell your date that you don’t appreciate this behavior and that it’s overstepping your boundaries.
This process might be uncomfortable if you’re not used to communicating your boundaries.
However, I’d like to remind you that being uncomfortable with confrontation is better than stewing in resentment for not speaking up. How they respond to you is not your responsibility, it’s theirs.
You must also be firm with what you’ll do when your date continuously disrespects your boundaries. This is crucial to maintain a strong sense of self when dating with intention.
5. Have fun
Again, stop worrying about how the date will go, and just enjoy being in the moment! Another approach to dating with intention is viewing it as an opportunity to improve social skills and reaffirm what you need in a partnership.
Don’t stress over how the date will go or if you’ll find “the one”. Ruminating over things beyond your control will only take the fun away from the process. So, notice when you’re ruminating, pause, and focus on what’s within your control (e.g. how you show up to the date).
This mental exercise will help you shift your attention to the present and enable you to enjoy the date.
6. Seek professional help
Knowing what you want, knowing your boundaries, and regulating your emotions are stressful endeavors. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, I’d encourage you to seek help from a licensed therapist or counselor.
They can offer you the space and tools to help you navigate these matters and empower you to be confident when dating with intention.
How to get to know your date with intention
1. Ask them questions
Start with some ice-breaker questions to set the tone of the date. This includes asking how their day’s been, what they do, and where they studied.
Remember, the point of dating with intention is to find someone you connect with, not find someone to impress.
Depending on how comfortable you feel, you can ask them more intimate questions to gauge your compatibility.
The intimate questions should center around the following themes:
- Life vision – what does their ideal life vision look like?
- Living standards – what makes them a good and bad person to live with?
- Beliefs – what are their religious, political, and spiritual beliefs?
- Values – what do they value?
- Childhood – what was their childhood like?
- Lessons from a previous relationship(s) – what did they learn from their last partner?
2. Clarify their dating intentions
This article details how to ask what their dating intentions are but to summarize, you’d want to know if you and your date share similar goals from dating.
If you’re looking for someone to settle down with and he’s just looking for something casual, then that doesn’t set you both up for success.
Assuming they’ve not listed it on their dating profile, you can ask them by the end of the first or second date in this manner: “I just wanted to clarify what are you looking for when dating now?” or “What are your expected outcomes from dating at this time?”
Phrasing it this way comes across as being friendly rather than forward. If they can articulate their dating intentions, that’s good! If their answer is vague, then proceed with caution.
It’s clear that they haven’t thought about their dating intentions and you want to date someone who is clear about what they want. Follow up with, “Could you clarify what you mean?”
If they’re still sounding ambiguous or it’s clear that they’re not looking for the same thing as you, then you should stop pursuing this person.
3. Be an active listener
If you’re considering dating with intention, you must be an active listener. Being an active listener will allow you to decipher the emotion that’s being conveyed and help you connect with your date more intimately.
In her book, Listen Like You Mean It, Ximena Vengoechea has listed several ways to help you be a better listener:
Avoid surface listening
Surface listening means hearing the literal, but not the emotional aspect of the conversation. Often, we listen to respond or project our feelings onto the speaker.
Say you’ve discovered that you both grew up in a small town. You’re excited by this common fact that you’ve overlooked the fact that your date didn’t like it.
Or your date might say that he hates his corporate job. Instead of inferring, you respond with how you feel the same way and direct the conversation back to yourself.
Because you’ve neglected your date’s underlying emotions in both these scenarios, you’ve missed an opportunity to connect with them on a deeper level.
Be empathetic
Empathy refers to the ability to sense other people’s emotions, coupled with the ability to imagine what someone else might be thinking or feeling.
Listening empathetically means listening to the emotion that’s being conveyed and to respond appropriately.
Your date might be sharing an experience that you cannot relate to (e.g. loss of a parent) but you can empathize with how they’re feeling (e.g. great sadness).
It’s about feeling the emotion with them so that they’ll feel safe to be vulnerable.
Be curious
Dating with intention means showing great interest in getting to know your date so don’t hesitate to ask follow-up questions.
Vengoechea suggests finding an “in” or thread in the conversation that you’re naturally drawn to, then seizing that moment with a question. This is particularly useful when the conversation has steered toward a topic you’re not naturally interested in.
4. Maintain open body language
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Dating with intention also means being mindful of your non-verbal cues. You need to create an environment where your date feels safe enough to open up and that starts with your body language.
So maintain eye contact, nod appropriately when they’re talking, angle your body towards your date, and eliminate distractions such as putting your phone on silent mode.
5. Be honest
If you’re looking for a connection from dating with intention, you must be prepared to get vulnerable. By being honest, you’ll be able to identify who responds positively to your true self and who doesn’t.
If they don’t respond positively, don’t take it personally. You’re eliminating choices and being directed toward the ones that have potential.
6. Go on different types of dates
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A great way to get to know your date is by going on different dates. This will help you see what they’re like in various environments.
Consider doing an activity together or participating in each other’s hobbies. Ultimately, you want to know if you enjoy each other’s company.
What do you do after dating with intention?
You’ve been on several dates and wonder if you should progress further with this relationship. Here are a few things to consider.
1. Reflect and see if their actions align with their words
It’s easy for someone to say the right things but it’s pointless if their words don’t align with their actions. If they’re serious about finding a partner, see if they ask any follow-up questions about your life goals and vision for the future.
This demonstrates that he also wants to gauge your compatibility. Another point to observe is whether he acts by his values. If he values kindness, is this reflected in how he treats you and those around him?
Consider how he shows up for you. Is he making an effort to get to know you better? Is he scheduling more dates with you?
You want to spend time with someone serious about dating with intention before pursuing anything further.
2. Assess your chemistry and compatibility levels
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Compatibility refers to aligning fundamental values, beliefs, and lifestyle choices. Being in alignment with these areas allows you to function together harmoniously.
Chemistry refers to a strong connection or intense feelings you have for someone. This includes physical, emotional, and sexual connection.
If you have chemistry with someone but no compatibility, the relationship can be so intense that it will burn out quickly. If you have compatibility with someone but no chemistry, the relationship can feel boring.
Ideally, you want to be with someone compatible and has chemistry with you. Finding someone you’re 100% compatible and have chemistry with is impossible. So, you’d want to be with someone who scores 70%-80% on the compatibility and chemistry scale.
Refer to this article if you’d like to know how to assess your chemistry and compatibility level.
3. Reflect on how they respond to your bids for connection
Knowing if you have chemistry with your date is nuanced. Chemistry is subjective and often is one of the main reasons people stop pursuing their dates.
However, some would argue that chemistry can be nurtured over time. I feel chemistry can be developed if both parties make bids for connection and turn towards them.
Relationship expert Dr. John Gottman defines bids for connection as any small or big attempt to connect with your partner. This could be hugging them, complimenting them, or being a listening ear.
When their partner responds positively (i.e. turns towards) to these bids, it can increase their connection and strengthen the relationship.
So, if your date responds to bids and gives them, then that’s a sign of a good life partner.
4. Give yourself three months
Dating with intention is a process and I wouldn’t want to impose a timeline of when you must settle down.
However, if you need a deadline, review the person you’re seeing every three months and ask yourself if you want to continue with this relationship or not.
Frequently asked questions
What is the difference between casual dating and intentional dating?
Shifting to intentional dating is taking on a purposeful approach. You know what you’re looking for when you’re dating intentionally. You’re prioritizing values, character, and compatibility with your life goals rather than just appearance and hobbies.
What is flirting with intent?
It’s a form of persuasion to do something. This could mean asking for your number because they want to move from friendship to something more.
Should you date with the intention to marry?
There should be as little pressure as possible. But that doesn’t exclude the real purpose of dating, which is finding a suitable spouse. If you don’t learn whether you’re meant to marry your date, that slippery slope of misalignment might show up.
Conclusion
There’s no such thing as finding “the one” but by dating intentionally, you’ll be able to find the right candidates. As you go through this journey, remember your dating goals and don’t settle for anything less. All the best!