How To Date With Intention And Stop Wasting Your Time
So, you no longer feel in control of your dating life and want to learn how to date with intention. Navigating the dating landscape can be daunting and overwhelming. 47% of Americans say dating is harder now than it was 10 years ago.
One approach to dating that’s helping individuals feel they have ownership of their dating experience is dating with intention.
Dating with intention or dating with purpose means being clear about your approach to finding a partner. The next question is how to date with intention.
How to date with intention or how to date with purpose differs from casual dating. The former is about deciding what they want and what to look for in a partner. Then, find the person that’s most aligned with their vision.
So in this article, I’ll share how to date with intention starting with what you need to do before, during, and after the date.
Summary
- 10 steps to consider before dating intentionally
- Navigating the initial stages of dating with intention
- How to know what they’re looking for when dating
- How to get to know your date intentionally
- How do you know if your date is compatible and has chemistry with you
- Reflect on their answers to determine compatibility
- Observe their behavior to determine your chemistry level
- Frequently asked questions
- How to explain dating with intention?
- What is the 3 3 rule of dating?
- How do I tell him my intentions?
- Conclusion
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DISCLOSURE
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10 Steps To Consider Before Dating Intentionally
1. Be clear about what you want in your life
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If you’d like to know how to date with intention, start with a deep, reflective conversation with yourself.
Ask yourself: What does the ideal version of your life look like?
Whether it’s dating for marriage or dating for sex, being clear about what you want in your life can help you identify how your future partner fits into this ideal vision of your life and what qualities to look for.
For instance, if you envision an ideal life with two kids living in a country home, find a partner who also wants the same thing. Or if you want to travel the world, then you might want to find a partner who loves to travel as well.
Doing this exercise will help you identify if the person you’re dating is mostly aligned with your vision and is someone who can help fulfill it.
2. Identify your core values
Values refer to fundamental beliefs that help guide our behavior. Values help determine right and wrong, and what is most important in our lives.
Ideally, you must live your life according to your values. As personal development, writer Mark Manson points out, “Our values are constantly reflected in the way we choose to behave”.
While it’s important to identify your values, it’s more important to act on them.
For instance, if your value is family but you don’t foster this relationship such as meeting or calling your parents once a week, then you’re not living by your values.
So, how do you identify your core values? First, read your answer to the question earlier about your ideal life. What values appear? Then ask yourself, if you’ve been behaving by these values. If not, how can you start?
Alternatively, you can consider Brené Brown’s exercise on finding your values. Whichever exercise you choose, you must be honest with what values speak to you and make a conscious effort to live by those values.
When we’ve identified our values, we can use it as a filter to determine which of our dates shares the same values. It will be easier to foster a united relationship when your values are aligned.
3. Continue working on your personal goals
As you learn how to date with intention, you shouldn’t neglect the other areas of your life that make you whole.
This includes meeting basic needs such as maintaining connections with friends and family, working hard, and developing good financial habits.
You should also work on your physical and mental health. This means maintaining a consistent exercise routine and learning to regulate your emotions.
It’s not just finding the right person, but also becoming the right person.
4. Build your self-esteem
Realistically, you’ll be met with rejection or go on dates that just didn’t meet your expectations.
Your self-esteem will fluctuate in moments like these. It’s crucial to not only learn how to date with intention but also how to build your self-esteem.
Establishing high self-esteem will help you when you’re feeling completely dejected and will stop you from compromising on your dating goals.
High self-esteem can contribute to positive well-being and boost your self-confidence. Here are just a few ways you can build your self-esteem:
- Practice self-compassion by speaking kindly to yourself when things don’t go your way.
- Reframe your negative thoughts by replacing them with positive or affirming statements. Consider the Thought Record exercise. It uses 7 prompts to challenge and reexamine your thoughts.
- Journal how you feel as a form of release.
- Surround yourself with loved ones who uplift you (and to have a good laugh about the date)
- Don’t neglect your physical health (maintain a consistent exercise routine and eat well)
- Remember why you are dating intentionally and commit to it (don’t settle for anything less than what you want)
5. Set clear boundaries and enforce them
You cannot learn how to date with intention without learning about boundaries.
According to Jennie Miller and Victoria Lambert in their book, Boundaries, Boundaries refer to the decisions we make that govern our behavior and how we interact with others.
A boundary is choosing to draw a line in the sand. Boundaries are about being firm with ourselves and others. The first step is to identify what you will and will not tolerate, or behaviors that you will and won’t accept.
The next step is enforcing that boundary. Someone with poor boundaries might find this difficult if they’re always prioritizing other people’s emotional needs. For instance, you’re someone who doesn’t appreciate tardiness.
If your date is always late, someone with poor boundaries will overlook this behavior and won’t address it for fear of offending them. This will only make you resentful because you’re neglecting your needs.
However, someone with healthy boundaries will communicate clearly that they don’t appreciate tardiness. This is great because you’re taking responsibility for your emotions, which are agitated by another person’s actions.
How your date responds is not your responsibility. It’s your date who then needs to take responsibility for their actions and emotions.
It might feel uncomfortable if you’re not used to enforcing healthy boundaries but it’s necessary to maintain a strong sense of self and when you’re dating with intention.
This also means being firm with what you’ll do when someone continuously disrespects your boundaries.
Miller and Lambert compare boundaries to our skin. Boundaries aren’t walls that prevent connection but like skin, they keep us in contact with others and act as an early warning system for unwanted behaviors in our bodies.
Understanding and communicating these trigger points can help us maintain healthy and respectful relationships with ourselves and others.
6. Date to connect not impress
Conventional dating rules will tell you what to say to impress a date. However, dating with purpose or dating to marry means getting to know each other and showing up as our authentic selves.
So if you’d like to know how to date with intention, ask your date meaningful questions and answer honestly when presented with a question in return.
7. Be honest
If you’re looking to connect with your date, then dating with intention also requires you to be vulnerable.
Being honest about what you’re looking for and communicating your needs can feel soul-bearing. However, by being honest, you’ll be able to discern who is turning towards your authentic self and who is turning away from it.
8. Avoid fixating on the outcome
Often, dating can feel daunting because people are caught up in finding “the one”. Not only is this an impossible pursuit (no one’s perfect including us!), but it can potentially take you away from being in the moment.
Before you go on a date, rather than worry about the outcome, learn to identify what’s beyond your control (e.g. how the date will go, how the date will perceive you, etc.) and what’s within your control (e.g. how I approach the date).
Then focus your energy on the latter and let go of the former. Also, rather than see it as a date, rewrite the narrative as an opportunity to meet someone new and learn about yourself. This will also take the pressure off yourself.
9. Have fun
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Often, we get caught up learning how to date with intention that we neglect the most important aspect of dating: having fun! It’s normal to feel nervous and get caught up worrying if we’ll say the wrong thing.
But as I mentioned, focus on being present, direct your full attention to the date, and just enjoy yourself!
10. Seek professional help
If identifying your emotional needs and boundaries seems overwhelming, I’d encourage speaking to a licensed therapist or counselor who can help you navigate this process.
These subjects were not taught when we’re young so there’s no shame in reaching out for help. Therapy can provide you with the tools you need to move confidently when dating with intention.
Navigating the initial stages of dating with intention
You’re clear about what you want and now it’s time to embark on this dating journey. This segment will help you navigate the conversation to identify if your date has the potential to be a lifelong partner.
How to know what they’re looking for when dating
These steps will help you navigate the age-old question: how to know what they’re looking for when dating. TLDR; The answer is to ask them.
I’ll share a few ways you can ask them this question without scaring off (the right ones), and what to do when you’ve heard their answers.
1. Ask on the dating app
Ask on the dating app if they didn’t post their dating intentions on their profile. Some might argue that you’re being too straightforward and it might intimidate them.
An alternative view of the situation is that you’re guiding the conversation so that you can identify if that person is aligned with your dating goals.
The right person will find this attractive as it shows you’re clear about what you want. If this feels too risky, don’t worry, there are other opportunities to ask. If you’re feeling brave, here’s your sign to go for it!
2. Ask at the end of the first or second date
A less risky approach is to ask to about their dating goals at the end of the first or second date.
At this point, you’ve gotten an idea of who they are from your date. If you like where the date is going, don’t hesitate to ask what they’re looking for. You can start with, “I hope you don’t mind me asking but I’d like to know…”
- What are you looking for when dating now?
- What are your expected outcomes from dating at this time?
It’s a less forward and more friendly approach. Using terms like “now” and “at this time” is also a way to reassure them that you’re not looking for an absolute answer but an idea of where they’re taking their dating journey.
The right person will not be put off by these questions they’ll encourage it. Don’t hesitate to share your dating intentions as well.
You may ask over text but it’s advised to ask in person so that you can observe their body language and their initial reaction to the question.
You cannot control how they’ll respond but you can control what to do after hearing their answers or reaction.
3. Follow up and seek clarity
If they’re dating with intention and looking for a life partner, that’s great! If they’re not looking for anything serious, then that’s a bummer.
But what happens when the answer is vague? Clarify it with them. There’s no point making assumptions.
Remember, you’re clear about your dating goals so don’t hesitate to lead the conversation to seek the answers you’re looking for. You can say “Could you elaborate?” or “What do you mean by that?”
Listen to how they respond. If they’re still sounding ambiguous with their answer, it sounds like they haven’t considered their dating intentions, which isn’t a great sign.
4. Step back and see if their actions align with their words
Of course, it’d be naivé to think that just because they’re saying the right things, this automatically means they’re the right person for you.
There’s a possibility that they could be lying or that their actions don’t match their words. At this point, take a step back and see if what they’re doing aligns with their dating intentions.
What do you look out for? One thing is seeing if they’ve got any follow-up questions that are rooted in getting to know your long-term goals and vision. This shows that they’re serious about assessing your compatibility.
Another is seeing how they treat you on the next few dates. Are they kind? Is he actively trying to get to know you better? Do they make an effort to spend time with you?
A person who is serious about dating with intention will show up and put in the work to be a good partner for you.
5. End things if their intentions aren’t aligned with yours
As I mentioned earlier if their answers are ambiguous even after seeking clarity, then that’s a clear indication that you shouldn’t pursue anything further.
If you’re dating with intention of marriage and they’re not, then you must end things even if you like this person.
Holding onto the assumption that they’ll change their minds is a huge risk and could leave you feeling resentful. So get out of this situation early and pursue those who share the same dating goals as you.
How to get to know your date intentionally
In this segment of dating with intention, I’ll share how to get to know your date on an intimate level.
They might seem obvious to some, but you’ll be surprised how often these steps are neglected during the actual date. So, don’t forget to apply them on your next date!
1. Ask them questions
I cannot stress this point enough – date to connect, not impress. One way to establish a connection with your date is to ask them thoughtful questions.
Start with the basics like what they do, what they like to do for fun, and where they studied. Getting to know someone is a process that cannot be rushed.
You’ll need these ice-breakers so that you’re both comfortable with each other before diving into the more serious questions.
The serious questions I’m referring to are the ones that will help you gauge your compatibility, which I will briefly share in the next segment.
2. Avoid surface listening
There’s a great chapter in Ximena Vengoechea’s book, Listen Like You Mean It, that shares the foundations of being a good listener.
The first tip she shares is to avoid surface listening. She describes surface listening as hearing the literal, but the not emotional content of a conversation.
An example of how we might be surface listening is by projecting our thoughts or ideas onto our date. When we get caught up trying to find ways to relate to someone, we might overlook signals that reveal differing experiences.
For example, you learned that you both played the piano when you were younger. You’re excited by this common experience but overlook the part where your date says he didn’t like playing the piano growing up.
You’ve then missed an opportunity to understand them on a deeper level by not asking why they didn’t like playing the piano.
Other ways we could be surface listening are:
- Mentally checking out or not being mentally present
- Getting distracted by external factors like notifications from our phones
- Interrupting the person before they finish their sentence
Not only are such behaviors inconsiderate but it prevents you from truly understanding the message being conveyed by your date.
3. Cultivate a listening mindset
So, if you’re dating with intention, you’ll need to cultivate a listening mindset. According to Vengoechea, there are several ways you can do this:
Embrace empathy
Empathy refers to the ability to sense other people’s emotions, coupled with the ability to imagine what someone else might be thinking or feeling.
You can be an empathetic listener by allowing your date to share their experience and ask specific follow-up questions.
If they’re sharing an experience that you cannot relate to, try to relate to the underlying emotions that are being conveyed.
For instance, they might be sharing a family trauma you cannot relate to but you can sense that they’re feeling hurt, an emotion you’ve experienced before from a different scenario.
By doing so, this can generate a more heartfelt response and enable you both to connect on a deeper level.
Be humble
You might find during your conversation, that your opinions on certain topics or issues might differ. Rather than jump to conclusions, pause, stay present, and continue asking questions for clarity.
We might find that they present an interesting opinion or one that we’ve never considered. To be humble and make space for differing opinions, you’ll need to let go of preconceived notions and judgment.
Remember, you’re on a date to learn about this person, not project an image of them that’s ideal for you.
Be curious
Dating with intention means showing an active interest in getting to know someone. Being curious will make your date more willing to be vulnerable and subsequently lead to a deeper connection.
If they’re sharing what they do, ask them to elaborate on their daily work routine. Or what they enjoy about the work.
Even if they’re sharing an interest that you’re not keen on, Vengoechea suggests finding an “in” or thread in the conversation that you’re naturally drawn to, then seize that moment with a question.
This way you’re staying engaged in the conversation rather than drifting off.
4. Maintain open body language
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Another important factor to consider when dating intentionally is maintaining open body language. Creating a safe space for intimate conversations starts with non-verbal cues.
This includes maintaining eye contact, nodding appropriately when they’re speaking, and angling your body towards your date.
5. Go on different types of dates
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Variety is the spice of life so don’t hesitate to go on different dates. While going on a romantic dinner is nice, it would also be great to try new experiences together and see how your date responds.
You can try a new activity or sport together, or experience each other’s hobbies together. These experiential dates will help you gauge if you enjoy each other’s company.
How do you know if your date is compatible and has chemistry with you?
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A crucial step when learning how to date with intention is assessing your chemistry and compatibility levels.
Compatibility refers to aligning fundamental values, beliefs, and lifestyle choices. Being in alignment with these areas allows you to function together harmoniously.
Being compatible in these areas can build the foundations for respect and admiration, which is just as if not more important than love.
reflect on their answers to determine compatibility
How they respond to these questions will help you understand whether they’re compatible with you.
- What does their life’s ideal version look like? (this is to gauge if you share similar life goals)
- What makes them a good and bad person to live with? (this is to gauge what their living standards are)
- What are their beliefs? (this includes religious, political, and spiritual beliefs)
- What are their values? (what do they place importance on or prioritize currently e.g. family, career, adventure, etc.)
- What was their childhood like? (this is to gauge what their upbringing is like and how it appears in adulthood)
- Were they in a relationship and what did they learn from it? (this is to gauge if they’re reflective and self-aware of their behavior in the relationship)
Compatibility is important because it’s the foundation for a respectful and fulfilling relationship. Chemistry refers to a strong connection or intense feelings you have for someone. This includes physical, emotional, and sexual connection.
observe their behavior to determine your chemistry level
Here are a couple of things to look out for when determining if you have chemistry with your date:
- How they respond to flirting. This includes verbal cues like compliments and non-verbal cues like touching their hand or grazing their arm.
- How they react to your sense of humor. Do they respond to your jokes? Do you banter with each other and enjoy a good giggle?
- Do you feel safe enough to communicate openly and honestly? How do they respond?
Assessing your level of chemistry is more nuanced than compatibility. Because of its subjective nature, some argue that it cannot be nurtured while others suggest that it can take time to build over several dates.
I feel chemistry can develop if both parties are making bids for connection. A term coined by relationship expert, Dr. John Gottman, bids for connection refers to any small or big attempt to connect with your partner.
When their partner responds positively (i.e. turns towards) to these bids, it can increase their connection and strengthen the relationship.
Generally, chemistry and compatibility are needed for a fulfilling relationship. Chemistry without compatibility can grow into an incredibly intense relationship that will burn out quickly.
Compatibility without chemistry can feel safe but might lead to a boring relationship. I know it’s impossible to find someone who is 100% compatible and has 100% chemistry with you.
So assess your chemistry and compatibility of your date based on how they’ve presented themselves and see if they align with most of your checklist. Ideally, you should aim for 70% to 80% on the chemistry and compatibility scale.
Frequently asked questions
How to explain dating with intention?
Dating with intention is approaching the dating process with clarity, mindfulness, and purpose. It’s shifting away from mindless dating and short-term gratification to dating that focuses on compatibility, common values, and long-term growth.
What is the 3 3 rule for dating?
The concept is to give it three dates, three weeks, and three months to see how things go with someone before you get overly attached and start planning a future together.
How do I tell him my intentions?
If your intention is to look for an exclusive, serious relationship, say so. Whether it’s looking to date for marriage or light companionship that’s fun, be clear about this.
Conclusion
It takes a lot of courage to put yourself out there and test the dating waters. However, I hope you remind yourself that dating is a process.
You cannot control the dating landscape but you can control how you navigate it. Applying these practical steps on how to date with intention will hopefully guide you to your potential life partners. All the best.