You’re having a conversation with your girlfriend when it suddenly hits you “My girlfriend keeps talking about her ex”. She mentions him when you walk past a restaurant, at random times of the day, and when you’re on a date.
It’s fine if she drops his name occasionally but the name-dropping is persistent and it’s starting to irritate you. How you’re feeling is valid and you should tell your girlfriend how you feel before you start resenting her for it.
Read on further if you’d like to know how to bring this up and why your girlfriend keeps talking about her ex.
Summary
- Why does my girlfriend keep talking about her ex (12 reasons why)
- 21 things to do when my girlfriend keeps talking about her ex
- Frequently asked questions
- Is it a red flag if she keeps talking about her ex?
- Is it right for your girlfriend to talk to her ex?
- Why won’t she stop talking about her ex?
- Conclusion
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Why does my girlfriend keep talking about her ex? (12 reasons why)
Before we identify what to do when your girlfriend keeps talking about her ex, let’s list down the possible reasons why. Not all these reasons are applicable so be sure to reflect on your relationship and see if any of them apply to you.
1. my girlfriend keeps talking about her ex because She misses him
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It’s normal for your girlfriend to miss her ex-boyfriend especially if she was with him for some time.
You’re out on a date and she mentions that this is the restaurant her ex-boyfriend took her to on their first date. You play a song on your Spotify and she tells you that this is her ex’s favourite song.
She might have moved on and is no longer with him, but it’s clear that there are certain places, songs, or moments that trigger a previous memory with him. It’s reminiscent of a close relationship she used to have and she is still grieving it.
2. my girlfriend keeps talking about her ex because He played a significant role in her life
The fact that he used to be a significant person in her life is probably why my girlfriend keeps talking about her ex.
She speaks fondly of him and shares with you what made him so special. Perhaps her ex-boyfriend helped her navigate a difficult period in her life or supported her during her proudest achievements.
It’s hard to let go of someone who was there during these significant moments of your life.
3. my girlfriend keeps talking about her ex because She’s not over him
A tough one to consider but the reason your girlfriend keeps talking about her ex is simply because she’s not over him.
She thought she was ready to move on and start a new relationship with you. But the more time she spends with you, the more she realizes that she’s not over her ex-boyfriend.
It’s not fair to you if this is the case. You deserve to be someone who is fully committed to this relationship and not distracted by her past. Keep this in mind when confronting her about this.
4. my girlfriend keeps talking about her ex because I’m different from her ex
Have you caught her saying things like “My ex-boyfriend would never have done this” or “My ex would’ve done it differently”?
One reason why she keeps saying this is that you’re simply different from her ex-boyfriend. As she gets to know you, she can’t help but compare you to her ex.
She was accustomed to her ex’s behavior, personality, and quirks so to experience being with someone different from her ex is an adjustment for her.
Don’t immediately view this as a bad thing. It could be that she’s impressed that you’ve done something her ex normally wouldn’t like wash the dishes or make a reservation for dinner.
The intent behind her statements matters so pay attention next time she brings up her ex like this.
5. My girlfriend keeps talking about her ex because She has expectations
Another reason why my girlfriend keeps talking about her ex is that she is projecting her expectations onto you.
As mentioned earlier, she’s used to her ex-boyfriend doing things a certain way. For example, perhaps her ex was more of a planner while you’re more laidback. She was so used to her ex-boyfriend organizing things that she now expects this from you.
It doesn’t feel nice to be compared to especially when you feel like you’re perceived as lesser than.
Reframe this instead as an opportunity to learn what your girlfriend needs to feel secure in this relationship. However, don’t shift your behavior at the cost of changing who you are entirely.
6. my girlfriend keeps talking about her ex because She’s inconsiderate
Normally, people are unaware of how their words affect people’s feelings. In this situation, your girlfriend is inconsiderate of how this is making you feel.
Perhaps in her previous relationships, she was used to bringing up her ex casually. Or she thinks it’s not a big deal because she’s moved on.
7. my girlfriend keeps talking about her ex because She’s not aware that she brings him up
Your girlfriend probably isn’t aware that she keeps talking about her ex. Perhaps she and her ex-boyfriend ended things on good terms.
She views her ex-boyfriend as a friend now so from her perspective, she’s simply recounting fond memories of her friend.
She probably doesn’t realize how frequently she’s brought him up nor does she realize how uncomfortable it makes you feel. It’s important to address this matter soon before it becomes a growing problem.
8. my girlfriend keeps talking about her ex because I’m her rebound
Depending on how long you’ve been dating, my girlfriend keeps talking about her ex because you’re her rebound.
If she just got out of a relationship and you’ve only been seeing each other for several months, chances are she’s still not completely over him.
She’s yet to move on and is just using you to get over her feelings for her ex. As a result of this, she still finds herself talking about her ex to you.
9. She’s looking for reassurance
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Your girlfriend keeps talking about her ex because she needs reassurance that you’re not like him. When we enter a new relationship, we want to be sure that we don’t repeat the same mistakes from our previous one.
Listen carefully to what your girlfriend is saying. She could be talking about her ex because she’s sharing with you which of his behavior made her feel unsafe.
For example, when she says “My ex-boyfriend used to shout at me when I made a mistake”, it means that she doesn’t want you to shout at her when she makes a mistake because it makes her feel bad.
She wants you to assure her that you won’t behave this way and that you are different from her ex-boyfriend.
10. She’s testing you
My girlfriend keeps talking about her ex because she wants to see how you will react. Perhaps in her previous relationships, she’s experienced jealous, controlling, or possessive boyfriends.
In this scenario, she wants to know if you possess any of these qualities by bringing her ex-boyfriend up. Be mindful if you find yourself in this situation.
It looks bad on her if she’s trying to pit her ex-boyfriend against you. You shouldn’t need to be fighting for her attention if she’s committed to you. In this scenario, you should reassess if you want to proceed with this relationship.
If she genuinely wants to see how you behave, then tell her her previous relationships don’t matter to you but it does bother you that she keeps bringing them up.
11. She’s planting doubt
It’s been several months since you’ve been together but she’s gradually been having doubts over whether to proceed with this relationship.
Perhaps your girlfriend keeps talking about her ex because she can’t help but wonder whether she’s made a mistake in pursuing this relationship.
12. She’s not ready to fully commit to this relationship
If your girlfriend keeps talking about her ex, it could mean that she’s not ready to fully commit to this relationship.
Instead of focusing on the present relationship and how to move forward, she keeps recalling her past. These are bad signs so be sure to address this matter soon.
21 Things To Do When My Girlfriend Keeps Talking About Her Ex
1. Don’t ignore it
It’s fine to let it go if she’s brought up her ex-boyfriend occasionally. However, if she’s repeatedly brought it up and it’s beginning to annoy you, don’t suppress your annoyance.
Often, we dismiss these “negative” feelings because we want to maintain the peace in our relationship. But if we continue to ignore these feelings, they will only explosively return to the surface and will make your girlfriend feel more confused and upset.
Instead, view these emotions like annoyance or anger as an indication that something doesn’t feel right and you need to address it with your girlfriend soon.
2. Identify your feelings
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Before you confront your girlfriend, you should take a moment to list down what’s bothering you. You should identify instances where she’s brought up her ex-boyfriend.
Having specific examples will ensure you don’t come off sounding accusatory. Take this opportunity to reflect deeper and ask yourself why this is bothering you.
Is it because you feel insecure? Is it because it makes you feel like she’s not committed to you? By understanding the root cause of your emotions, you will be able to communicate this better to your girlfriend, and hopefully make her more compassionate.
3. Self-reflect
Another thing to consider is to self-reflect on your behavior. Have you done or said anything recently to make her keep talking about her ex? Have you been displaying signs of unhealthy behavior?
This will help you identify if you played a role in making her talk about her ex and prepare you to be understanding when conversing with her.
4. Initiate the conversation
When you’re ready, schedule the conversation with your girlfriend. Be sure to arrange it when you both are in a calm state.
Inform her what the purpose of the conversation and reassure her that your intention is not to start an argument but to tell her how you feel and to understand why she keeps talking about her ex.
5. Bring up your concerns
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Tell your girlfriend that she keeps talking about her ex and how this makes you feel. Use “I statement” instead of “You statements”.
“I statements” are statements that focus on the speaker’s feelings. The statements don’t address the listener’s actions but rather how the listener’s actions make the speaker feel.
“You statements” focus on the speaker’s behavior and often sound like a judgment call. Saying “You talk about your ex-boyfriend a lot, you sound like you don’t care about me” sounds accusatory and will trigger your girlfriend to get defensive.
Instead, specify the behavior that’s bothering you and how it affects you. For example, “I feel hurt when you talk about your ex-boyfriend every time we go on dates because it feels like you’re comparing him to me ”.
Phrasing it this way sounds more like constructive feedback as it puts attention on a specific action rather than her whole character.
Clarify and rephrase your points if you have to. Remember the objective of this conversation is to have her see and understand your perspective.
6. Ask her if she misses him
Sometimes having these conversations requires us to ask difficult questions. Don’t be afraid to confront her with these questions if it means giving you clarity over the situation.
Asking your girlfriend if she misses her ex-boyfriend will hopefully give insight as to where she is emotionally in your current relationship.
7. Ask her about her previous relationship
Another question to ask if your girlfriend keeps talking about her ex is what her relationship with him was like.
Ask her what went well and what didn’t, and why did they end up breaking up. This will help you understand what your partner values in a relationship and what are her non-negotiables.
If she brings him up during specific instances, ask her why. For example, if she always says “My ex used to plan day trips”, ask her if that’s what she looks for in a partner i.e. someone who is a planner.
Reframing your thought process to a curious one can help you understand your girlfriend and why she keeps talking about him.
8. Practice empathy
One important element when having difficult conversations with our partners is to practice empathy. According to Brene Brown, empathy is the willingness to feel with our partner. It’s the ability to understand their emotions without judgment.
After bringing up your concerns, be ready to be empathetic when she explains why she keeps talking about her ex.
9. Listen without judgment
One key method to practice empathy is to listen without judgment. Often, we want to listen to critique, give solutions, or defend ourselves. However, empathy is about listening to understand the speaker and be there with them in their feelings.
Pay attention to what your girlfriend is saying. Be mindful of your breathing and ensure you’re calm throughout the conversation.
Pause if you need to and only interrupt if you need clarification. Remember the goal is to understand why my girlfriend keeps talking about her ex.
10. Summarise key points
Now that you both have had a chance to speak, summarise the conversation. This is to ensure you both understand each other’s perspectives and to clarify any points that were misunderstood.
11. Think things through
As mentioned earlier, it’s normal for our partner to miss their ex-partner or talk about them occasionally. The question is where to draw the line so that this situation doesn’t negatively impact the relationship.
Now that you’ve heard what she said, ask yourself whether you want to continue pursuing this relationship. If it’s obvious she’s not over him or she’s constantly berating you about him, then it’s best to call it off.
If the answer isn’t as clear, then give yourself time to process the conversation before making a decision. It doesn’t matter how you choose to move forward so long as it feels right to you.
12. Seek advice
When you’re feeling uncertain or stuck, don’t hesitate to confide in a close friend or someone you can trust to help decide how to move forward.
Be sure to share both sides of the story so that they can make an informed opinion. By asking a third person, you will be able to see things from a different perspective.
13. Identify solutions together
If you both have agreed to stay in this relationship, discuss how you can work together to overcome this challenge.
Be clear with your girlfriend about what you need to make you feel safe in this relationship. Ask her how she feels about your request and whether it’s in conflict with what she needs.
14. Establish boundaries
Establishing boundaries is one way to tell your girlfriend what you need to feel safe in this relationship.
Boundaries in relationships refer to appropriate behaviors that keep both parties safe. They can vary from physical, emotional, sexual, and financial boundaries.
In this scenario, a boundary could be telling your girlfriend to not bring up her ex-boyfriend when out on dates because it makes you feel uncomfortable.
State the consequence if she oversteps the boundary and be sure you can enforce it. For instance, if you tell her you’ll end the relationship if your girlfriend keeps talking about her ex, then be ready to do so if she does.
If you don’t, your girlfriend will feel compelled to always overstep your boundaries because there are no real consequences for her actions.
15. Don’t control her behavior
While it’s important to assert boundaries, be mindful not to control your girlfriend’s behavior. For instance, you refuse to talk to your girlfriend until she does what you want her to do. Or you refuse to discuss and reach a compromise with her.
These boundaries are too rigid and might make your girlfriend feel anxious and manipulated.
16. Work on yourself
You cannot control your girlfriend’s behavior or how she feels. The one thing you can do is work on becoming the best version of yourself.
Ask yourself, what can I do to improve physically, mentally, and emotionally? What interests and hobbies would I like to explore?
This will help you develop a better understanding of yourself, make you feel more assured, and boost your self-confidence.
Consequently, your girlfriend will feel lucky to have you as a partner and will forget about her ex-boyfriend.
17. Make her feel loved
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Rather than keep thinking, “My girlfriend keeps talking about her ex”, focus on being the best partner.
Ask her how she likes to be cared for. Plan date nights so that you both can get to know each other better.
You can also introduce and reinforce small acts of kindness such as complimenting her, completing a household task, or embracing her after a long day. American psychologist, John Gottman refers to these as bids for emotional connection which can help strengthen a relationship.
18. Offer reassurance
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You find out that your girlfriend keeps talking about her ex because she’s worried that you’ll end up like him.
If this is the case, reassure her that you’re nothing like her ex-boyfriend. You can show it through your actions so that she knows that you are true to your word.
19. Be patient
One thing you need to remember is to be patient with your girlfriend. If her ex-boyfriend played a significant role in her life, it will take time for her to move on from him.
This is her journey which she needs to navigate. The only thing you can do is support her where you can and trust that this too shall pass.
20. Speak to a professional
My girlfriend keeps talking about her ex even after discussing this. If you both still want to pursue this relationship, then you should speak to a couples therapist or counselor to help navigate this matter.
Having a professional third party will offer another perspective and hopefully provide solutions on how to best move forward.
21. Consider breaking up as an option
If your girlfriend keeps talking about her ex and it’s negatively impacting the relationship to the extent that it can’t be resolved, then you need to consider the possibility of ending the relationship.
To re-emphasize, it’s normal for your girlfriend to talk about her ex occasionally. But if it becomes persistent and she continues to do so after you’ve set your boundary, then it seems like she isn’t ready to commit to this relationship.
You deserve to be with someone who cares for you and is focused on making your relationship work.
Frequently Asked Questions
Why won’t she stop talking about her ex?
Maybe she wants to let you know that she’s experienced in love and that you should take the relationship seriously. Perhaps she feels insecure and wants to be reassured that you’ll be a good partner. Or she doesn’t have much going on and her ex-boyfriend is the only topic of conversation she can think of.
Is it right for your girlfriend to talk to her ex?
If you are not comfortable she is still talking to her ex, tell her, including your reasons. Ask her why she’s still talking to him. The foundations of a strong relationship are mutual understanding and respect so you should have this during this confrontation. Otherwise, you will appear controlling and the relationship might end badly.
Conclusion
Having the realization that “my girlfriend keeps talking about her ex” is upsetting. However, rather than feel defeated, you should take the initiative to tell your girlfriend how this makes you feel.
Hopefully, this will open up a discussion as to why your girlfriend keeps talking about her ex and give you clarity on the matter, and how best to move forward. All the best!