So you’re in a relationship and you’ve realized that your boyfriend hasn’t proposed after 5 years. 

My boyfriend and I have been together for 8 years and 4 of those years have been long-distance. 

Because we got together when we were young, we had a lot of growing up to do individually and other priorities such as career and financial goals to pursue. 

However, what remained constant is our commitment to make this relationship work. Having frequent check-ins on whether we’re on the same page and plans to meet kept us going. 

Marriage has been a topic of conversation that my boyfriend and I have only discussed recently now that we’re older. 

The point of this sharing is to say that there’s no “right” timeline for when your boyfriend should propose to you provided that you’re both clear about what the end game of this relationship is i.e. marriage and you’re taking active steps to get there. 

But if you’re reconsidering whether that is the case, read further as I will explain what you should do if your boyfriend hasn’t proposed after 5 years.

Summary 

• What does it mean when my boyfriend hasn’t proposed after 5 years? 
• 10 things to do if my boyfriend hasn’t proposed after 5 years? 
• Frequently asked questions 
  • How long is too long to date and not be engaged?
  • Is 5 years a long time to wait to get engaged?
• Conclusion 

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What Does It Mean When My Boyfriend Hasn’t Proposed After 5 Years? 

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The most common answer as to why your boyfriend hasn’t proposed after 5 years is he’s not ready. Marriage is perceived as a big commitment and it can feel overwhelming. 

This is normal. However, the next step is to dig deeper and understand what’s prohibiting him from being ready. It could be due to factors outside of the relationship such as:  

• Financial constraints
• Focus on career goals, or 
• Your boyfriend has a negative view of marriage due to witnessing failed marriages growing up 

These factors can all be navigated provided that he wants to overcome them. 

Potential dealbreakers though are misaligned views on marriage that can’t be renegotiated (i.e. you strongly believe in marriage and he doesn’t) and he simply doesn’t love you enough to propose. 

Of course, these are just reasons to consider when reflecting on your relationship. 

The best way to know why your boyfriend hasn’t proposed after 5 years is by having an open and honest discussion with him. 

10 Things To Do If My Boyfriend Hasn’t Proposed After 5 Years

If you struggle with confrontation or are worried about how the conversation will go, I’m here to reassure you that you will feel more discomfort if you continue to avoid this conversation. 

You might feel a temporary relief if you avoid the conversation but it will gradually come back and in a bigger wave. 

You cannot control the outcome of the conversation or how your boyfriend will respond. 

So focus instead on communicating your needs and being honest about what you want from this relationship. 

1. Acknowledge how you feel when your boyfriend hasn’t proposed after 5 years 

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I would imagine you’re feeling worried because your boyfriend hasn’t proposed after 5 years. I’m here to reassure you that your feelings are valid. 

There’s a misconception that we should “look on the bright side” or “be positive”. 

But constantly suppressing these thoughts or making excuses for why your boyfriend hasn’t proposed after 5 years, is only going to make you feel worse in the long run. 

A worry can be a good indicator that you need to identify a solution to your concerns. 

However, if you dwell on your worry, it can manifest and make you think about things beyond your control. 

This can lead to stress and fuel your anxiety. So if you feel worried, the first thing you should do is notice and acknowledge it. 

Once you’ve acknowledged your concerns, write down what’s troubling you. 

2. Identify why marriage is important to you

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I want to remind you that there’s nothing wrong with wanting a marriage. However, you need to be clear as to why it’s a concern that your boyfriend hasn’t proposed after 5 years. Is it because marriage is important to you? 

Often, we get swept up in society’s expectations e.g. we should be married by this age or have kids by this time so having this conversation with yourself will remind you why you want to get married. 

Is it because it signals a true commitment to this relationship? Is it due to your cultural or religious beliefs that marriage should be the next step in a serious relationship? 

Hopefully, this will reaffirm your beliefs and you’ll have something to refer to when having a conversation with your boyfriend about this matter. 

3. Reflect on the relationship 

Instead of wondering why your boyfriend hasn’t proposed after 5 years, reflect on the relationship. 

Have you discussed what your plans are for the future? Or does he try to avoid these questions altogether? 

Usually, if the answer is no, then it’s clear that the reason your boyfriend hasn’t proposed after 5 years is because he’s not committed. 

If he’s made it clear multiple times that he doesn’t want to get married or doesn’t believe in marriage, and you’re hoping he will change his mind, then you’re setting yourself up for disappointment. 

You need to ask yourself if you’re willing to adapt to your boyfriend’s beliefs or move on. Personally, if you strongly believe in marriage then the best decision for you would be the latter. 

Another aspect to consider is the dynamics of the relationship. Are you both living together? What has the experience been like? 

It’s very exciting when you both move in as it signifies a deeper level of commitment. 

However, if you haven’t communicated your expectations or marriage before the move, then this will build up frustration for you especially when you’ve been offering what this article calls “husband privileges”. 

This means giving him your time and companionship, fulfilling traditional roles of a wife such as cooking and cleaning for him, and trusting your finances with him. 

Yet, he’s not reciprocating the same level of time, energy, or commitment toward you. If this is the situation, then it’s clear he’s enjoying the perks of marriage without putting a ring on it. 

If none of the scenarios mentioned above resonate with you nor does it reflect your relationship, then perhaps there are reasons outside of the relationship that are preventing him from taking the next step forward. 

4. Initiate the conversation to discuss why your boyfriend hasn’t proposed after 5 years 

The only way to know why your boyfriend hasn’t proposed after 5 years is to initiate a conversation with him. Be clear about what your intentions are. 

You’re not trying to start an argument but rather understand how he feels about the relationship and where he sees it going. 

Pick a time and date that works for both of you and have this conversation in an environment where you both feel safe and calm. 

5. Honestly discuss why your boyfriend hasn’t proposed after 5 years 

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It’s important to preface that the topic of conversation can illicit strong feelings so remember to practice empathy. 

Empathy means attempting to understand the person’s feelings and riding the emotions with them. One way to do this is by actively listening to his concerns. 

To practice active listening, we need to: 

• Listen to understand rather than argue 
• Acknowledge his feelings 
• Interrupt the other person to clarify points, and
• Maintain eye contact and body language so that we are facing the other person 

Explain to your boyfriend that you’ve been reflecting on the relationship and make it clear what your needs and expectations are, (i.e. that you want to get married) and how he feels about it. 

If he’s not ready, ask him what needs are to be met for him to feel ready. If he requires something from you, ask yourself whether you’re willing to compromise or make that change for him. 

You both don’t need to have the answers figured out immediately.

But what you should gain from this conversation is a clearer understanding of why your boyfriend hasn’t proposed after 5 years. 

6. Don’t force him to marry you 

One thing you shouldn’t do is force him to marry you. If your boyfriend has decided to stay in the relationship because you’ve threatened him, then this is a rocky foundation for your marriage. 

He will be with you for the wrong intentions. As much as you want to steer your relationship towards one direction, it takes two. 

So really listen to how your boyfriend feels about you and the relationship in general. 

If he’s not offering the reassurance you seek, then consider the possibility that your boyfriend won’t propose to you at all. 

7. Work together to resolve matters that are preventing him from proposing 

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If it’s clear that by the end of the conversation you both share the same vision for your relationship, then identify what you both need to do to proceed with marriage. 

Your boyfriend hasn’t proposed after 5 years due to lack of financial security? Discuss with him what are some feasible options that can help him reach his financial goals. 

If it’s because he wants to prioritize his career, then be ready to support him. You could come to an agreement that you both will focus on the marriage once he’s settled into his job. 

If he’s afraid of marriage because he came from a broken family, then perhaps you can encourage him to see a therapist to navigate these issues. 

If you’re both emotionally and financially willing, you could speak with a licensed therapist to help navigate this transition of being a married couple. 

Ultimately, as his girlfriend, your role is to support him, offer advice where applicable, and guide him to the right resources. The initiative and action however must come from him. 

8. Establish a deadline and commit to it

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As mentioned earlier, you cannot force your boyfriend to marry you. However, I would encourage you to assert your boundaries. 

It’s important to be patient with your boyfriend as he goes through the journey towards preparing himself for marriage. 

However, if you notice that he repeatedly doesn’t show any effort to improve or you begin to feel resentful or frustrated again for waiting so long, then you should move on.

An alternative and more hardline approach is choosing a deadline. It can be six months or a year later. Pick one that’s right for you. 

If you find that by the end of the deadline, you’re not convinced that he wants to marry you, then take it as a sign to end the relationship. 

Once you’ve made that decision, you must commit to it. If you leave the relationship and then come back to him, you’re only enabling him to get away with his actions and dismissing your own needs. 

9. End the relationship if your boyfriend hasn’t proposed after 5 years 

Besides your boyfriend not respecting your boundaries, here are other reasons why it would be best to end the relationship if your boyfriend hasn’t proposed after 5 years: 

• He’s not ready and isn’t willing to do anything to change his circumstances
• He’s still not sure how he feels about creating a future with you 
• Doesn’t believe in marriage and isn’t going to change his mind
• No clear path forward after listening to his concerns 
• You’re not willing to change or adapt your beliefs on marriage 

These are hard truths to consider but you must be clear about what you need to have a fulfilling relationship. 

I know it’s easier said than done but if your boyfriend cannot offer you what you need, then you need to respect yourself enough to move on.

10. Continue working on yourself 

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Regardless of the outcome, whether you choose to work on the relationship or break up, what remains is that you continue working on yourself. 

I’m a firm believer in nurturing your sense of self regardless of your relationship status. 

While you’re determined to pursue a marriage, remember to grow the relationship you have with yourself, friends, and family. 

Continue learning about how you can be a better partner and in return identify what you need in a partner. 

Be sure to communicate this with your boyfriend if you decide to stay or keep it for the next one. 

Frequently Asked Questions 

How long is too long to date and not be engaged?

Most couples date for between 18 months and 4 years before getting engaged. However, everyone has a different timeline that works for them so there’s no “right” answer. 

Is 5 years a long time to wait to get engaged?

Most couples date for two or more years before getting engaged, with many dating anywhere from two to five years. After the proposal, the average length of engagement is between twelve and eighteen months. 

Conclusion 

I hope you will gain the answers you seek after having this conversation with your boyfriend. Although the idea of it sounds daunting, it’s important to just rip the band-aid and start. 

The quicker you know where you both stand, the quicker it is to decide how best to move forward. Whatever the outcome is, be sure it aligns with your needs. All the best!