confidence in dating – how to truly achieve it
You want to experience confidence in dating but don’t know where to start. There’s no doubt that dating can be a daunting process.
While I understand you must be eager to learn how to have confidence in dating, we must discuss self-confidence and self-esteem.
It’s important to cultivate these two areas before discussing confidence in dating. These areas are the foundations of building a strong sense of self and can contribute towards confidence in dating.
Summary
- Defining self-confidence and self-esteem
- What is self-confidence?
- What is self-esteem?
- What is the relationship between self-confidence and self-esteem
- How to build self-confidence and self-esteem so you can date confidently
- How to feel confidence in dating
- Handling rejection when dating with confidence
- Frequently asked questions
- What does confidence mean in dating?
- Why do I lack confidence in dating?
- What is the body language of a confident man?
- Conclusion
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DISCLOSURE
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Defining Self-Confidence And Self-Esteem
Before we discuss confidence in dating, we must define self-confidence and self-esteem. Although they are often used interchangeably, they are completely separate.
What is self-confidence?
Self-confidence is a measure of our belief in our abilities. Confidence comes from knowledge and practice.
When we have more knowledge and experience in one area, we feel more self-confident in our abilities. For example, the more we speak on stage, the more likely we’ll feel confident in public speaking.
When we hit certain goals or win certain accolades, this can improve our self-confidence but the happiness obtained from external achievements is shortlived.
What is self-esteem?
Self-esteem refers to how we see ourselves, our sense of self and how we interact with the world.
Self-esteem refers to our acceptance of ourselves as we currently are and the value we place on ourselves. The difference between low and high self-esteem is the indicator they use to determine their self-worth.
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Emma McAdam identifies four negative indicators of self-esteem: Appearance, popularity or external approval, comparison, and achievement.
Attaching our self-worth to our appearance and popularity means placing our self-esteem under other’s control.
Comparing whether we are better or inferior to others is unhealthy because we will constantly feel like we’re never good enough as we compete in a competition of our own.
As mentioned earlier, achievements can contribute to feeling confident but it’s only short-lived and isn’t a great indicator of your self-worth.
If we believe achievements can increase self-esteem, our failures will reduce self-esteem. In reality, neither of these two should determine your self-worth.
You’ll always move the goalpost for achievements because you’ll always be chasing and never feeling like you’re enough. You’ll be more afraid to make mistakes, which are crucial for growth.
What is the relationship between self-confidence and self-esteem?
Self-confidence and self-esteem don’t always occur together and don’t necessarily affect each other.
You can be a fast and successful track and field runner, but you can still doubt your self-worth. You could be a good conversationalist when you’re on a date, but still doubt whether your date likes you.
Again, these scenarios only occur if your indicators of self-worth are rooted in achievement or popularity.
According to therapist Emma McAdam, living by your values is a good indicator to measure your self-worth and build high self-esteem.
By choosing our values and living by them, we shift the focus away from external approval or achievements and towards growth.
When we live by our values, we become less fixated on reaching a goal and live more intentionally, for living by our values is a continuous process.
To quote Lowell Bennion, “True self-esteem comes when we keep the promises we make to ourselves”.
When we practice this, we are more likely to be self-confident. Confidence in dating isn’t just about learning how to dress or speak to your date.
Confidence in dating is about entering the dating arena with a sense of self-assuredness and a deep understanding of your values. This approach to life will help you clarify what you’re looking for in a partnership.
How To Build Self-Confidence And Self-Esteem So You Can Date Confidently
Here are a few ways you can build your self-confidence and self-esteem which will contribute to confidence in dating.
1. Acknowledge your negative emotions
Having self-confidence doesn’t mean you’re shielded from negative emotions. It’s perfectly normal to encounter these painful emotions like sadness or anxiety.
But it’s how you respond to these low moments that influence your self-esteem.
Emma McAdam says ignoring our emotions or distracting ourselves are unhealthy coping mechanisms. It will make us feel worse in the long run.
She argues that we should make space for these uncomfortable emotions by practicing willingness.
This means making an active choice to lean into it rather than pushing it away. It also means acknowledging the emotion for what it is rather than trying to change it.
Several ways you can practice willingness according to Emma include:
- Describe the emotion, rather than judge it. Instead of labeling the emotion good or bad, just see it for what it is. For example, “I’m feeling sad” not “It sucks that I’m feeling sad!”.
- Be curious. Where are you feeling this sensation? Feel it in your body as much as possible and then describe it, “It feels like…”. You can place your hand where the emotion is and breathe into that part of your body.
- Be present. Instead of wondering when this emotion will go away, just accept that it’s here to stay and practice the previous two steps. You can also practice breathing in and out.
We’re more likely to free ourselves from our emotions when we view them separately from ourselves and pass them through our bodies.
2. Reframe your thoughts
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Our mind can be our greatest ally or our worst enemy. How we consistently think influences how we feel and behave.
If we consistently focus on one way of perceiving, this will create rigidity in our thinking. For example, you’ll always set yourself up for failure if you consistently think you’re not good at dating.
In this case, to feel confidence in dating, it’s important to reframe your thoughts around self-growth.
One tool you can use is Thought Record. Thought Record is a cognitive behavioral therapy exercise that allows you to capture and review your thoughts about a specific situation using 7 prompts.
These 7 prompts encourage you to question the validity of your thoughts and help you find thoughts that are more realistic and productive to your situation.
3. Practice self-compassion
Often we are too hard on ourselves. We feel frustrated when things go wrong or it takes a long time to self-regulate our emotions.
Realistically, there will be occasions where your confidence in dating will be challenged as you face rejection or bad dates. That’s part of the dating experience. So, it’s crucial to practice self-compassion.
One way to do this is to ask yourself: Am I being kind? Would I console my friend the way I’m consoling myself?
These emotions might take a long time to overcome so you shouldn’t waste your energy making yourself feel worse.
4. Be clear about who you are and what you’re looking for from dating
As I mentioned earlier, values are a great indicator for determining your self-worth. Values are fundamental beliefs that guide our behavior and determine what’s important in our lives.
You can refer to this worksheet by Brené Brown to identify your values.
It’s insufficient to say them, you must live by these values. Not only does this build confidence, but it reaffirms what qualities to look out for in a partner i.e. someone who shares and practices the same values as you.
Alternatively, you can allocate time to this question: What does the ideal version of your life look like?
Are you climbing the corporate ladder? Are you living in a house with two kids? Or traveling the world? It’s important to identify what your ideal life is so that you can find someone who shares a similar vision to yours.
If you want to build a career but the person you’re seeing wants you to be a homemaker, then this misalignment will create friction in the future.
5. Adopt a growth mindset
A growth mindset is believing that your basic abilities can be developed through dedication and hard work.
This mindset encourages you to not take failures personally. Instead, it enables us to look at failures or mistakes as learning opportunities.
It cultivates lifelong learning and helps you find personal fulfillment in the journey rather than achieving the goal.
This is an important mindset to adopt when determining how the date went and whether they’re right for you.
6. Spend time with those who uplift you
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Dating can feel intimidating but you shouldn’t feel like you have to navigate this journey alone.
Reach out to a few friends who you trust to be your pillars of support. They should offer you not just emotional support but can give you honest feedback when you need it.
7. Seek professional help
Speak to a licensed therapist or counselor if you’d like more professional guidance on improving confidence in dating.
Perhaps there are personal reasons that are preventing you from feeling confident. They can be a listening ear and be able to tailor their advice to your specific situation.
How To Feel Confidence In Dating
One way to practice confidence in dating is to have a pre-ritual and reminders so that you’re mentally prepared. Below are a few suggestions you can consider.
1. Identify your boundaries
According to Jennie Miller and Victoria Lambert in their book, Boundaries, Boundaries refer to the decisions we make that govern our behavior and how we interact with others.
Boundaries are about being clear with ourselves and others about what behaviors we will and will not tolerate. So identify what these are.
Next is enforcing that boundary. For instance, if you don’t feel comfortable kissing on the first date, then communicate this to your date.
It might feel uncomfortable if you’re not used to enforcing healthy boundaries but it’s necessary to maintain a strong sense of self and to cultivate confidence in dating.
So, remind yourself what your boundaries are and what you’ll do if they continue to disrespect you.
2. Date to connect, not impress
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Another way to feel confidence in dating is to date to connect, not impress. Remember, the purpose of dating isn’t to make yourself look good. Rather, it’s to identify if you have chemistry and compatibility with your date.
So prepare a few questions before the date so that you’re not scrambling for one during the date. Here are a few you can ask:
- Did you do anything fun recently?
- What’s your morning routine like?
- Have you read or watched anything recently that you enjoyed?
Shifting attention away from yourself and to your date will ease the pressure off yourself.
3. Acknowledge your feelings and shift your focus to things within your control
The dating landscape is vast and unpredictable so feeling anxious before a date is normal. Learn to acknowledge these feelings at a distance.
Remember your emotions fluctuate and don’t reflect the reality of your situation. Once you’ve acknowledged these feelings, practice distinguishing what is beyond and within your control.
Concerns that are beyond your control:
- How your date responds to your authentic self
- The vast dating landscape
Concerns that are within your control:
- How you present yourself on the date
- What questions to ask your date, and
- How you respond to their cues.
Doing this will help you determine where to channel your focus and energy, and make you feel confidence in dating.
4. Practice mindful breathing
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Mindfulness refers to being aware when your mind wanders and ushering your mind to focus on breathing.
Close your eyes and take deep and gentle breaths when you’re nervous or when you notice intrusive thoughts. Usher your mind to focus on your breathing to calm the nerves.
When you notice your mind wandering off or your nerves returning, bring it back to your breath. I use Headspace to assist me with this practice and makes me feel calm afterwards.
5. Reach out to loved ones if you need a pep talk
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If you’re feeling low, reaching out to loved ones is a great way to boost your energy levels before a date.
They’ll remind you why you’re a catch and reassure you that no matter the outcome, it will be fine. So, don’t hesitate to give them a call before your date. I’m sure you’ll feel confidence in dating afterwards.
Handling rejection when dating with confidence
As I mentioned, dating will have plenty of highs and lows. You might encounter dates that didn’t go well or you might experience rejection.
While I know how much it sucks, it’s important to remind ourselves that there is a healthy way to handle such situations.
Once you’ve acknowledged your feelings and have practiced self-compassion, the next crucial step when handling rejection is to approach it with a growth mindset. Here are a few questions to reflect on:
- Was I showing up as my true self?
- Did I act in line with my values?
- What can I do better on my next date?
If you were acting in line with your values, then that indicates you have integrity and perhaps the person you’re dating wasn’t right for you.
Remember, practicing a growth mindset empowers you to take control of the situation. You get to decide how to perceive the date.
Someone with a growth mindset and high self-esteem will understand that a “bad date” doesn’t define your worth. Rather, it’s an opportunity to learn.
Once that’s done, close this dating chapter and focus your energy on activities that calm you or lift your spirits. This includes exercising or doing something creative.
Frequently asked questions
What does confidence mean in dating?
Confidence, especially in dating, isn’t about what you’ve done or haven’t done, it’s in what you understand about yourself. It’s knowing that failing doesn’t mean you’re a failure, that you can fail, survive, and move forward. It’s recognizing that fear is simply that: fear.
Why do I lack confidence in dating?
Newness and lack of familiarity can lead to a lack of confidence. Being constantly rejected can reduce confidence and can negatively impact someone’s mental health. Issues, such as being in abusive relationships can also influence how someone approaches dating.
What is the body language of a confident man?
Straighten your back, pull your shoulders away from your ears, and uncross your arms and legs are how you communicate confident body language. Taking up space makes you more confident.
Conclusion
Building confidence in dating is a life-long process. There will be periods where you feel low and other times where you feel like you’re on top of the world.
It’s normal for your self-confidence and self-esteem to fluctuate. What matters is how you take control of these fluctuations.
Remember you’re the driver of your life and you decide how you navigate these emotions. All the best.