dating is hard – 8 reasons why & what to do

There’s no denying that dating is hard. While dating offers the potential of meeting your life partner, the reality of it is that it’s a long and arduous journey.

There are many reasons why dating is hard. Some reasons are due to the individual, but most of the reasons why dating is hard are a result of the way society positions romantic relationships.

By putting it on a pedestal, it has placed pressure on us to couple up, without truly questioning if the person we’re seeing is compatible.

Moreover, dating is hard because the modern dating landscape is designed to make us feel overwhelmed by the options online, ultimately leaving everyone feeling fatigued.

From the way we meet people via dating apps to how we communicate via DMs, the rise of technology has completely shifted the dating culture. However, it’s not all doom and gloom, so let’s break it down further as to why dating is hard and what we can do about it.

Summary

8 reasons why dating is hard
8 things to do when you feel like dating is hard
Frequently asked questions
- Why does dating seem hard?
- Why is it so hard for me to date people?
- Why does dating give me anxiety?
- Why do I struggle to like people romantically?
Conclusion

DISCLOSURE

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8 Reasons Why Dating Is Hard

1. The paradox of choice

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Dating apps have revolutionised dating. Whether for better or worse has been up for debate as reflected in a study by Pew Research Centre, which found 53% of users have had somewhat positive experiences on the dating apps compared to 46% of users.

A crucial feature of dating apps like Tinder is that you have multiple users displayed on the app, allowing you to “swipe right” if you’re interested.

While this appears to be a convenient solution, it has left users feeling overwhelmed by the choices available.

It also perpetuates a ‘throwaway’ culture whereby you ‘discard’ the current match you’re speaking to, and move on to the next person in hopes of finding someone better. What we’re left with is collective fatigue and rejection en masse.

2. Lack of choice

On the other hand, there’s also the argument that dating is hard because there’s a lack of choice. This is particularly prevalent amongst women.

In the same study, women are more likely than men to say online dating is not too safe or not at all safe. Also, a majority of young women under fifty have received unwanted sexually explicit messages or images on these dating platforms.

Not only is this incredibly disturbing, this leaves many women feeling like there just aren’t any suitable matches out there.

3. The dating culture

There’s no official guide on modern dating, but it seems that the rise of dating apps has shifted the way we interact, court each other, and assess potential matches.

For instance, texting can be tricky for some to navigate, and there’s also the fear of being ghosted, which some might argue is worse than being rejected.

Dating apps enable individuals to engage with multiple matches at once, leaving you at risk of being left on read if you haven’t caught the person’s attention.

Dating apps have also created an online environment where you’re judged based on your appearance and bio rather than your personality first, reinforcing their superficial nature.

All these factors have created a dating landscape that can leave one feeling hopeless rather than hopeful.

4. Believing a romantic relationship is a main source of happiness

Society has conditioned us to believe a romantic relationship should be our main source of happiness. That, without a romantic relationship, we fear that we are missing out on experiencing something great.

However, this couldn’t be further from the truth. While a relationship can offer happiness, it doesn’t mean that your life is lacking without it.

If you’re entering the dating landscape believing you can only be happy once you’re in a relationship, then this will only set you up for disappointment.

By placing too much pressure on a romantic relationship to be your main source of happiness, it can make dating feel like a huge burden.

After all, a romantic relationship should be viewed as something to be pursued if you’re looking for someone to complement your life, not complete it.

5. Too much pressure on finding “The One”

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This ties into my previous point of why dating is hard. By believing that a romantic relationship is your main source of happiness, you’re running the risk of putting too much pressure on finding “The One”.

While it’s good to have a list of qualities in a partner, if you’re too caught up in finding “The One”, your list might start to look overly exhaustive, which can lead to nitpicking.

It’s good to set standards, but if you’re setting unrealistic expectations, such as your partner has to be your everything, then it might cloud your judgment and leave no room for compromise or consideration for reasonably good matches.

6. Not committing to your dating intentions

On the flip side, dating is hard because we’re not holding to our standards. You’re looking for a long-term relationship; however, the person you’re dating is looking for something more casual.

This is setting you up for disappointment because it’s clear you both fundamentally want different things from dating.

Perhaps you’re holding onto this person because you think they’ll change their minds. Or you fear letting them go because it means having to start over.

However, compromising too much on what you’re truly looking for in a partner will leave you feeling even more disappointed later on.

7. Not doing the work of healing oneself

British psychologist John Bowlby introduced a psychological framework called Attachment Theory, which explains how the emotional bonds between individuals when they were children and their primary caregiver impact their development, and subsequently their experience of life and relationships.

When children reach out to their caregiver during times of distress, how caregivers respond forms the foundation of a child’s attachment style.

For instance, if you were raised in a household where your feelings were acknowledged by your parents, you’ll most likely feel emotionally connected and form a secure attachment. If your parents neglected your feelings, you might develop an insecure attachment.

Attachment styles can influence your adult relationships because they mirror childhood patterns. For example, people might be drawn to emotionally absent individuals because they grew up with a mother who didn’t communicate their feelings.

This quality that you’re attracted to is a reflection of the kinds of behavior you’re familiar with growing up. So if you’re struggling with dating because you feel like you’re attracting the wrong people, it’s worth considering that your attachment style is responsible for this.

8. Fixation on the outcome

Dating is hard because we might be overthinking the dating outcomes. When we spend too much time worrying about how the date will go, we will start dreading it. There’s also the looming fear of rejection and the possibility of going through stress and emotional pain.

Dating is hard because we’re overly concerned about whether the person will like us, neglecting the fact that it’s important to consider whether we like the person we’re dating.

By worrying and fixating on the things that are beyond our control, our minds will start to view dating as something incredibly difficult that we cannot navigate.

8 Things To Do When You Feel Like Dating Is Hard

So what’s the best way to move forward? There’s no denying that dating is hard. While we cannot resolve dating culture overnight, nor can we control the outcomes of a date, we can control how we go about it. Here are 8 things we can do when dating is hard.

1. Process and acknowledge your feelings

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Dating is hard, and it’s okay to admit that the experience has taken an emotional and mental toll on you. While you might think the way forward is to continue going on more dates, the better approach is to pause.

Check in with yourself and truly ask how you’re feeling. Label that emotion and sit with it. Remind yourself that it’s okay to acknowledge your feelings and that they’re only temporary.

This meditative and reflective exercise will hopefully ease you out of a rut.

2. Surround yourself with loved ones

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Bad dating experiences might leave you wanting to stay in and avoid communicating with your loved ones. But it would be more beneficial if you did reach out.

You might not feel like it initially, but if you spend time with your loving and supportive network of friends and family, I guarantee you’ll feel lighter. Dating is hard because it feels like a lonely experience, but your loved ones will remind you that you’re not alone.

3. Build emotional resilience

Before you reenter the dating landscape, I believe it’s crucial to build emotional resilience. Emotional resilience refers to the ability to adapt and recover well from adversity, stress, and emotional pain.

Dating is hard because you will face rejection, which can lead to disappointment, sadness, and stress. While we cannot control our dating outcomes, we can control how we react in this scenario.

One way to build emotional resilience is to notice our negative thoughts and reframe them. Say your date decides they’re no longer interested in you. You’re feeling devastated by the rejection, and you begin to think that you’re not worthy.

In moments like this, while it’s important to acknowledge your feelings, we must notice when our thoughts begin to spiral towards negative self-talk.

Next, challenge these thoughts by asking if they’re true. Often, your thoughts are just thoughts and don’t truly reflect the reality of your situation.

There will be downs in your dating journey, but there will also be ups. So learn to be self-compassionate by soothing the negative voice in your head. Respond to it kindly and remind yourself that you’re doing your best, and that’s enough.

4. Be clear about your dating intentions

Another important exercise you must do before entering the dating scene is to be clear about your dating intentions.

This means being clear about what you want your future life to feel or look like and identifying what qualities in a partner will fit that.

Often, we find ourselves dating people who have different dating expectations, or we stay in relationships with people who don’t align with our life goals. So, to manage the risk of disappointment, really be clear about what you’re looking for in a partnership and…

5. Commit to your dating intentions

…Commit to your dating intentions. Once you know what you’re looking for or at least have an idea, focus on what you’re looking for in dating.

It’s okay to be upfront with your date, as it helps determine if they feel the same way or if they’re looking for something else. If they’re the former, that’s a good start, and you can explore this dynamic further. If they’re the latter, then you can move on.

Remember, you don’t want to waste your time with those who aren’t aligned with your dating goals. Dating is hard as it already is, but by knowing your dating intentions, you can navigate dating with more confidence.

6. Be present

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Rather than worry about the outcome of your date or if they’ll like you, shift your focus to just being present. Let go of your expectations and instead shift your attention towards your date.

Be genuinely curious about getting to know them and ask them questions that will help you gauge if you like them and if they share the same dating goals.

7. Seek professional help

If you’re still struggling with building your self-esteem or just need more support in navigating your emotions, I’d recommend seeing a counselor or a professional therapist

Dating is hard and can be emotionally and mentally exhausting. So don’t hesitate to reach out for professional help if you have the means, as they will be able to provide the tools needed to cope with your emotions.

They will also be able to help you identify your attachment style and help you learn and unlearn what a good partner should be.

8. Consider alternative platforms to meet people

As mentioned earlier, dating apps have made it more difficult for people to connect or find like-minded people who are looking for long-term partners. In response to this, there has been a rise in social clubs and community events that aim to matchmake strangers.

If this is something that you feel more comfortable with, consider alternative ways to meet people that aren’t dependent on swiping right.

Frequently asked questions

Why does dating seem hard?

Dating is hard because of a loss of a sense of control. You might feel like you’re being judged, compared to, and you start doubting yourself. Others might think it’s a huge mind game, and you wonder if your mind is tricking you.

Why is it so hard for me to date people?

Many people find dating difficult because of bad dating experiences in the past and negative expectations of what dating will be like. You might have dating anxiety, which is a fear of dating that’s driven by fear of rejection.

Why does dating give me anxiety?

It can be due to past negative experiences, low self-esteem, or unrealistic expectations of oneself or potential partners. Comprehending dating anxiety includes recognising our emotional responses and the effect it has on our ability to enjoy and pursue romantic partnerships.

Why do I struggle to like people romantically?

There are many reasons why it’s difficult to feel sexually or romantically attracted to someone, including sexuality, depression, side effects of medication, or a lack of confidence in the ability to choose a partner wisely.

Conclusion

Dating is hard, and however you feel about dating is completely valid. It feels like you’re stuck in the dating trenches, hoping to see a romantic spark at the end of the tunnel.

Dating apps were presented as a solution, but in reality, have been designed to keep us on the app rather than to remove it eventually.

However, whether or not dating apps are what caused the decline of modern dating is up for debate, considering it’s the individuals on the app that influence the dating culture.

And while it would be impossible to resolve dating culture overnight, what we can control now is how we navigate modern dating. I hope my article has managed to offer some guidance in doing just that.