Dating With Anxiety – 13 Effective Steps To Help You Be Calm
It’s no secret that dating with anxiety has its fair share of challenges. You want to date, but the nerves kick in, your thoughts about meeting new people spiral, and you no longer dare to put yourself out there.
Clearly, dating with anxiety can feel like a monumental hurdle, but with the correct tools and encouragement, you will gradually learn that dating with anxiety is manageable.
So, here’s a useful guide on how to help you navigate dating with anxiety.
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Summary
- What is dating with anxiety?
- What causes dating anxiety?
- 13 effective steps to help you with dating anxiety?
- Frequently asked questions
- Why does dating give me severe anxiety?
- Do people with anxiety struggle with relationships?
- Why do I need constant validation in my relationship?
- Conclusion
What is dating with anxiety?
Dating with anxiety is an intense worry or fear about going on dates. It can cause one to dread going on dates or completely put them off dating entirely.
Dating anxiety can be associated with a social anxiety disorder, which is a mental health condition that involves a fear of social situations. That fear can manifest into feeling nervous and hesitant to speak with strangers.
Other symptoms of someone who experiences dating anxiety include increased heart rate, sweating, fear of being perceived, and difficulty making eye contact.
What causes dating anxiety?
Several factors can contribute to dating with anxiety. Some are prone to anxiety due to genetics, but normally, it stems from past negative experiences.
This includes being rejected from previous dates or going through a really difficult breakup. Dating anxiety could also be due to witnessing our loved ones go through negative dating experiences or relationships, such as infidelity or abuse.
A common cause of dating anxiety is the fear of how we’re going to be perceived, which is often related to low self-esteem. To determine what’s causing your dating anxiety requires you to reflect, when you’re calm, and identify what it is about dating that truly makes you feel anxious.
13 Effective Steps To Help You With Dating Anxiety
1. Practice self-compassion
As mentioned in my previous article, self-compassion is a way of relating to oneself in a kind and understanding manner. The concept is derived from Buddhist psychology but popularised in academic research by Professor Kristen Neff.
There are three main components when practicing self-compassion: self-kindness, mindfulness, and a sense of common humanity.
Self-kindness means treating yourself with care and understanding. Rather than judging or shaming ourselves for dating with anxiety, we approach our anxious state gently and with consideration.
An approach to consider when practicing self-kindness is to ask yourself, “How would you console your close friend if they’re feeling anxious about dating?” Then offer that gentle advice to yourself.
We cannot shame or judge ourselves into managing our anxieties about dating. Instead, we must approach it with kindness and offer positive reinforcement to move forward.
2. Be mindful of your thoughts
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Dating with anxiety means your mind will tend to produce internal thoughts that will make you feel worried and overwhelmed. However, we must remember that our thoughts are merely thoughts and often exaggerate the reality of our situation.
As revealed in a study by Cornell University, 85% of the things people worry about never materialize, and of the 15% that do happen, 79% of people find that the challenge is easier to handle than expected, or they learn something valuable from it.
With that said, start observing when you’re thinking critically about dating. It could be “Oh, they’re not going to like me” or “I’m just too awkward to speak to anyone”.
Bringing attention to these thoughts will help you see them for what they are: just thoughts. Notice when you start spiraling, then immediately remind yourself that you’re being critical.
3. Acknowledge your feelings
To take it a step further, acknowledge your feelings. Positive psychologist Stephanie Harrison explains that when critical thoughts arise, they stem from bigger, underlying feelings.
As someone who is dating with anxiety, reflecting deeper into why you’re thinking critically can be uncomfortable, but a necessary step towards understanding ourselves and alleviating our anxiety. So be patient with yourself as you go through this process.
Modern dating has its whole host of challenges. From making conversation to getting rejected, it’s normal to feel angry, frustrated, or hurt. So rather than suppressing your feelings (which might inadvertently make you more anxious), learn to acknowledge them and verbally label them: “I feel sad” or “I feel frustrated”.
When we label our emotions for what they are loudly and without judgment, it quiets the amygdala and other parts of the brain that are responsible for emotional processing. Regulating your emotions in this manner will help calm you rather than consume you.
You may also consider journaling to transfer your emotions from your head to paper, as this practice will also help release any feelings you’re harboring within.
4. Remember our common humanity
Picture credit: Vika_Glitter
Remembering our common humanity means being aware that challenges are part of the human experience. Often, we get caught up thinking we’re the only ones who are dating with anxiety.
However, as society will show you, this is certainly not the case. There are plenty of books, movies, and art that reveal our experience isn’t isolated. By reminding ourselves that there are others who also struggle with dating, we place less pressure on ourselves.
Rather than isolating yourself, you would feel much better reaching out to those you can trust and share your concerns with them.
Talking to your loved ones will offer temporary relief and make you feel much better. There will certainly be comfort in knowing that you’re not alone and that your feelings are valid.
5. Practice relaxation techniques
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When you’re dating with anxiety, consider having a few tools that can help you alleviate your nerves before they begin to escalate.
A common practice would be deep breathing exercises. Close your eyes and pull as much air as you can into your lungs. Hold your breath for a few beats, then breathe out as slowly as possible.
According to clinical social worker, Carmella Wygant, “the slower you exhale, the more you’ll engage the parasympathetic nervous system, which is responsible for calming the body down after it’s had a bad fright or shock”
Another practice to help you stay calm is grounding techniques. A couple of common techniques are:
- 5-4-3-2-1 Method: Identify 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can’t taste
- Body scan meditation: Mentally move your attention from your toes to your head, and notice if there are any physical tensions in any parts of your body
These techniques aim to help you be present by engaging with your senses.
6. Improve your self-esteem by establishing your values
As mentioned earlier, if you’re dating with anxiety, it could be because you’ve attached too much of your self-worth to how others will perceive you.
Self-esteem refers to our acceptance of ourselves as we currently are and the value we place on ourselves. Our self-esteem normally impacts our self-worth.
When we place our self-worth on external factors, our self-esteem tends to fluctuate. For instance, attaching our self-worth to our appearance and popularity means placing our self-esteem under others’ control.
Instead, the best indicator to measure your self-worth and build high self-esteem is how well you live by your values.
By choosing our values and living by them, we shift the focus away from external approval and towards growth.
When we live by our values, we become less fixated on reaching a goal and live more intentionally, for living by our values is a continuous process. So, identify what your values are ask how you can live by your values.
When we commit to determining and living by our values, we’ll feel more empowered when dating and less anxious about how we’ll be perceived.
7. Adopt a growth mindset
If we’re not mindful, dating with anxiety can potentially lead us to adopt self-limiting beliefs. Thoughts like “I’m not a good conversationalist” or “Everyone else is better at dating than me” are rooted in a fixed mindset.
A fixed mindset is the belief that our behavior or skills cannot be developed over time. It leaves us feeling trapped and unmotivated to challenge our self-limiting beliefs.
A growth mindset is the opposite of this notion. A growth mindset is rooted in the belief that our behaviors can change and improve over time. With that said, we must navigate dating with a growth mindset.
Rather than let our anxiety dictate our behavior or define how we approach dating, we must be open to the possibility that we can manage this behavior and are committed to taking proactive steps to be better.
A growth mindset also means accepting that dating has its fair share of rejections and mistakes. But what matters is how you handle these moments and move forward.
8. Focus on what’s within your control
Dating with anxiety means you tend to let your mind focus on things beyond your control. For instance, you could be wondering if your date will like you or if you will be able to find a partner.
While these are valid concerns, dwelling on them will not make you feel better. Instead, it might leave us feeling overwhelmed and paralyzed from moving forward.
So, learn to identify which thoughts are beyond your control, and start focusing on what’s within your sphere of control.
This includes your thoughts, how you prepare and present yourself during the date. While we cannot control the outcomes of our date, we can control how we navigate it.
9. Know what you’re looking for when dating
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What’s within your sphere of control is identifying your dating intentions. Ask yourself, what life do you envision for yourself in the next few years, and what kind of partner do you think will help support this life vision?
List down all the qualities you’re looking for, what your non-negotiables are, and what you are willing to compromise. If you need help establishing your non-negotiables, reflect on what your values are. It’s essential to align your values with those of your potential partner.
This exercise will help you take your mind off your anxious thoughts and direct your focus towards understanding what you’re truly looking to get out of dating.
10. Start small
To navigate dating with anxiety, an approach to consider is to start small. Our anxiety can make us feel overwhelmed by perceiving dating as a monumental hurdle we must overcome.
But I would like to emphasize that this is far from reality. Much like the previous point, one way to focus on what’s within your control is to start setting small and achievable dating goals.
This could be as small as setting up your dating profile on a dating app or grabbing coffee with someone you’re interested in for an hour.
If you’re not ready to start putting yourself out there, you can consider setting goals that can help you build confidence.
What matters is that you’re taking small and proactive steps to be less fearful and more mindful of your dating journey.
11. Date to connect, not impress
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Often, we get caught up worrying about how our date will perceive us that we don’t pay attention to what truly matters: getting to know our date.
When you’re dating with anxiety, one way to alleviate it is by directing your focus away from yourself and towards your date instead.
Cultivate a sense of curiosity by reflecting on what you’d like to know about your date. Have a list of questions ready, but don’t be afraid to let the conversation flow.
Not only will you learn more about your date, but you’ll also be able to identify what you value in a partner.
12. Celebrate small wins
A method to encourage positive reinforcement is to celebrate small wins. Dating with anxiety is a journey, and while we cannot predict the outcome, we can learn to reflect on the process and see how far we’ve grown as individuals.
Ask yourself, what did I do well? Or how have I improved? Perhaps it’s successfully holding a conversation with your date or managing to regulate your nerves before a date.
While they might appear minor, they’re actually important milestones that reveal how you’re progressing. If you don’t feel like you have, approach these questions with kindness rather than judgment, and notice how you can do better moving forward.
13. Seek professional help
If you have the financial means and would like to seek additional help, you can reach out to a professional therapist or counselor. They can offer tailored advice and solutions that can help you navigate your dating anxieties.
Frequently Asked Questions
Why does dating give me severe anxiety?
Various factors can cause dating anxiety. Some people may be more prone to anxiety because of their family genetics or past experiences. It can be due to previous negative experiences, such as being rejected or feeling about your appearance.
Do people with anxiety struggle with relationships?
Anxiety can manifest as neediness, avoidance, or even irritability, potentially leading to misunderstandings and conflicts in relationships. A partner’s anxiety can cause tension in the relationship, creating consistent stress that may be challenging to navigate without understanding and intervention.
Why do I need constant validation in my relationship?
A deep fear of abandonment or rejection could be a main factor. Those with a fear of abandonment are perceived as clingy and needy. They need constant reassurance and external validation to feel safe in their relationships.
Conclusion
I hope you’ve found some useful tips on how to manage your dating anxiety. If there’s anything you take away from this article, is to give yourself grace and patience as you navigate your anxiety.
Dating with or without anxiety is a process, and while we often get caught up trying to achieve “the goal” of “finding someone”, it’s important to remember that the journey is just as important. All the best.