So, you’ve found yourself in a situation where “My girlfriend chooses friends over me”. Coincidentally, my boyfriend and I had a debate about this when we first started dating.
He said I was prioritizing spending time with them over him and I immediately got defensive. After several conversations and reflection, I realized there was some truth in his perspective.
I still made it clear that my friendships mean a lot to me but I also understood that I needed to make more of an effort to spend quality time with my partner.
We shouldn’t worry if our partner wants to spend time with her friends. Friendships are just as important as relationships to cultivate a fulfilling life.
However, if she’s choosing her friends over you during an argument or she’s not carving any time with you compared to her friends, then it’s worth addressing the matter. Read on to find out what to do when “My girlfriend chooses friends over me”.
Summary
- 7 reasons why my girlfriend chooses friends over me
- 10 things to do when a girlfriend chooses friends over me
- Frequently Asked Questions
- What to do if my girlfriend chooses her friends over me?
- Why do I feel unimportant in the relationship?
- Conclusion
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7 Reasons Why My Girlfriend Chooses Friends Over Me
There are several reasons why your girlfriend would choose her friends over you. Not all of them are relevant as each relationship is different but do read further to see which one applies to you.
1. my girlfriend chooses friends over me because Her friends play a significant role in her life
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Her friends are her ride-or-die. They’ve been there during the best of times and the worst of times. This means that she has a strong bond with her friends.
If your girlfriend chooses her friends over you during a conflict, it’s probably because she’s known them longer and doesn’t want this to get in the way of their friendship. She doesn’t want to risk losing her friends over a boy.
Of course, this doesn’t negate your feelings of rejection. Naturally, we want to feel like our partner will be there to support us.
If this is the case, then it’s important to tell her how you feel before you start feeling resentful.
2. my girlfriend chooses friends over me because She’s not used to splitting her time
If this is your girlfriend’s first relationship, then the reason the girlfriend chooses friends over me is that she’s not used to splitting her time between you and her friends.
Being in a relationship means making time for your partner. Your girlfriend might be struggling with this adjustment as she’s never had to before this. I struggled with this too when I first got into a relationship with my boyfriend.
It wasn’t that I didn’t want to spend time with him, but I also had a fear of missing out on any time spent with my friends. Perhaps your girlfriend feels the same way.
3. my girlfriend chooses friends over me because Her friends offer an outlet to express herself
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Again, her friends have been there through the best of times and worst of times. This means that they’ve created a safe space for her to express her feelings.
If you both have only been together for several months, perhaps she’s not ready to be vulnerable or share her intimate details with you yet. Be patient with her.
Otherwise, ask her if there’s anything you can do to make her feel safe to share her feelings with you.
4. My girlfriend chooses friends over me because She can’t confide in you
Similar to the previous point, “My girlfriend chooses friends over me” because she can’t confide in you.
Perhaps there are certain matters she only feels comfortable asking her friends about such as women’s health-related matters or issues that her friends have experienced and you haven’t.
We aren’t lesser than if we can’t offer solutions. It just means that we can support our girlfriend in other areas.
5. my girlfriend chooses friends over me because She needs space
There’s a misconception that when a partner wants personal space in a relationship, it’s a sign that they’re no longer interested in you.
This is simply not true. Personal space is needed to maintain the strength and success of any relationship.
Having personal space means allowing yourself to do things you enjoy doing outside the relationship, which in your girlfriend’s case is spending time with her friends.
This will make you more content as a person and will show through in the relationship so don’t feel alarmed if your girlfriend chooses friends over you.
6. Her friend is going through a difficult time
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Sometimes, there will be moments when your girlfriend needs to prioritize her friends over you especially when her friends are going through a difficult time.
Her friend might need a shoulder to lean on or help with running errands during a challenging time. This doesn’t mean she loves you any less.
7. She’s not aware how choosing her friends over you is making you feel
At the beginning of the relationship, you were fine with her going out with her friends. Gradually, you’ve noticed that she’s hanging out with them so often that she hasn’t made an effort to spend time with you.
Having not been a problem previously, your girlfriend is probably not aware that she’s choosing her friends over you.
If this is the matter, it’s best that you tell her how you feel. The last thing you want to do is suppress it until it becomes a bigger problem later on.
10 Things To Do When Girlfriend Chooses Friends Over Me
1. Self-reflect
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Before you jump the gun, it’s important to reflect and assess the relationship. Is my girlfriend choosing her friends over me? How long has this been happening?
List down instances where you feel your girlfriend chooses friends over me. This is to prepare for the conversation and confirm that you’re not simply making assumptions.
Think about how your girlfriend choosing her friends over you makes you feel. It could be that you’re projecting your insecurities onto your girlfriend.
For example, you fear that your girlfriend does not care about you, and that’s why you feel hurt when she chooses her friends over you.
Having self-awareness over what’s triggering your emotions, will help you communicate your feelings and hopefully make your girlfriend understand you better.
2. Recognise that her friends are important to her
There’s a misconception that our partner needs to fulfill all our needs. I’m guilty of thinking like this myself but later realized that that’s too much pressure for one individual.
Our partner should enhance our lives but it doesn’t mean we neglect the other relationships in our lives like our friends and family.
In your situation, it’s important to understand that your girlfriend’s friends play a significant role in her life. It doesn’t mean that she puts you on a lesser pedestal.
Sometimes, we can’t be there to offer advice simply because we don’t have the answers and if our girlfriend can find it in her friends, then we should be happy for her.
3. Reframe thoughts on girlfriend choosing friends over you
If you’ve realized that you’ve been projecting your insecurities onto your girlfriend, you can choose to reframe your perspective on her friendships.
Instead of thinking “My girlfriend chooses friends over me”, shift your thought to “My girlfriend is choosing to spend time with her friends at this moment”.
This eliminates any sense of competition between you and her friends. It also shows that she’s prioritizing her friends at the moment, not throughout the relationship.
Another way to reframe your perspective is what her friendships say about your girlfriend.
The fact that she’s got close friends in her life shows that she’s good at maintaining relationships which is an important trait to have in a partner. You should consider yourself lucky!
4. Communicate your feelings
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If you feel that “My girlfriend chooses friends over me” is negatively impacting the relationship or is making you feel resentful, then be sure to communicate how you feel.
Tell her when you’re both in a calm state to avoid any unnecessary conflict. As mentioned in my previous articles, use “I statement” instead of “You statements” when sharing how you feel.
Using “You statements” like “You always spend time with your friends” or “You never make time for me” sounds accusatory. Your girlfriend would naturally want to defend herself and not listen to you.
Instead, “I statement” will place the attention on you and how her actions made you feel. You need to be specific so that your girlfriend knows you’re not calling her out on her character (which can make anybody feel hurt) but her actions instead.
Examples include “I noticed you’ve been going out with your friends a lot and it makes me feel like we haven’t spent quality time together” or “I feel hurt and unsupported when you chose to side with your friends over me during that argument”.
Hopefully, this will make your girlfriend more willing to listen and understand your point of view.
5. Listen without judgment
Once you’ve shared how you feel, you can give your girlfriend a chance to share how she feels. It’s important to practice empathetic listening. This means listening to understand not to respond.
It’s natural for us to want to defend ourselves when our partner is sharing how we’ve made them feel. However, we are denying ourselves the opportunity to get to know our partner better.
You may take notes if you need to and be mindful of your breathing so that you’re in a calm state during this conversation. You can interrupt your girlfriend if you need her clarification.
Pause if you feel the conversation is getting heated and return to it when you both have cooled down. The goal is to reach an understanding of each other’s behavior.
6. Identify solutions together
Now that you both have expressed yourselves, identify how you’d like to move forward. Tell your girlfriend what you need to feel loved and supported. If you need to allocate time during the week for a date night, then communicate that to her.
You may ask her the same question in return. Be sure that you’re ready to respect her needs and discuss a compromise if necessary.
Remember you both are on the same team and the goal is to reach an understanding of each other’s needs and how best to move forward.
7. Don’t limit or control her time with friends
The last thing we want to do is try to change our partner’s behavior or limit how many times she can see her friends. This will build resentment and make her feel that you’re trying to control how she spends her time.
Instead, have a conversation and discuss what would be the best arrangement that respects both of your needs.
8. Carve out quality time together
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One solution could be spending quality time together. It doesn’t have to be going out for an expensive meal. It could simply be staying in and cooking a meal together. Or participating in an activity together.
Other creative ways to spend quality time together are attending a class, learning something new, or trying out a sport together.
The point is that you both make a conscious effort to spend time together out of your busy schedules. This way you are reassured that she’s not neglecting the relationship.
9. Discover interests outside of the relationship
This idea that my girlfriend chooses friends over me could be an indication that you need to reevaluate your life outside of this relationship.
There’s nothing wrong with being committed to your relationship but losing yourself in the relationship can harm you and your partner.
You should allocate time for yourself to do things that you enjoy and continue learning about yourself. You can also cultivate relationships with your friends and family so that your partner won’t be your only support system.
By having a clear sense of self, you will be able to turn up as a better partner in the relationship.
10. Get to know her friends
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Since her friends mean a lot to her, why not get to know them better? You can start by asking her about her friends. How long has she known them and what does she like about them? You can also make it a point to meet them.
Getting to know her friends is also a chance for you to get to know your girlfriend and what she values in her friendships.
Frequently Asked Questions
What to do if my girlfriend chooses her friends over me?
Talk to her about the issue and tell your concerns to her. Open and honest communication is incredibly important if you want to sustain the relationship. If you can’t communicate with her, then the relationship will cease to exist.
What if your girlfriend doesn’t prioritize you?
If you feel this way then ask her questions about your relationship. Being in a relationship doesn’t mean you will agree on everything and compromises need to be made. Ask her if she’s truly invested as you are in this relationship. From there, you can decide how best to move forward.
Conclusion
It’s not nice hearing that your girlfriend chooses her friends over you especially when you’ve been prioritizing the relationship.
I hope you take a moment to reflect if this is truly the case because sometimes our insecurities such as fear of abandonment or neglect can cloud our judgment.
If it is, then be sure to tell your girlfriend how you feel immediately. I hope the outcome of this conversation is fruitful for you and your partner. All the best!