So you find yourself in a situation where your girlfriend doesn’t cook or clean. Domestic division of labor has been a constant subject of debate.
To paraphrase this research paper, there’s been an erosion of the male breadwinner as more women enter the workforce, but a lack of revolution in how household work is distributed.
One day, I came to the humorous conclusion that my partner and I are compatible because of our household chores preference. I like to wash the dishes and clean surfaces whereas he loves to do laundry and iron.
Of course, this epiphany didn’t come out of thin air but through observing my partner in his home and discussing this topic with him.
It’s easy to jump to the conclusion that your girlfriend doesn’t cook or clean, but if you look even more closely and address this matter with her, I’m sure you’ll find a system that’s compatible in your household.
Read below if you’d like to know how to identify this system.
Summary
- 14 things to do when your girlfriend doesn’t cook or clean
- Frequently asked questions
- How do I tell my girlfriend to clean the house?
- Who should cook and clean in a relationship?
- Conclusion
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14 Things To Do When Your Girlfriend Doesn’t Cook Or Clean
To avoid brewing over your resentment and frustration that your girlfriend doesn’t cook or clean, here are 12 things you can do to navigate this matter.
1. Self-reflect on why it bothers you that your girlfriend doesn’t cook or clean
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Before confronting your girlfriend, let’s reflect on the situation and see what is it that’s truly bothering you. Sometimes, when we are upset or annoyed over certain things that our partner does, it’s usually indicative of deep-rooted problems.
For example, the fact that your girlfriend doesn’t cook or clean isn’t the problem but the unequal distribution of household work.
So why does it bother you that your girlfriend doesn’t cook or clean? Is it because you feel the household work isn’t split equally? It’s a lot of work and you need help? Or do you feel the house is a mess when she doesn’t clean up after herself?
Identifying why this is bothering you will help your girlfriend understand why this is an issue.
2. Bring up why you’re concerned that your girlfriend doesn’t cook or clean
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When you do initiate the conversation, assure her that your intention is not to put blame on anyone but to explain that the current household arrangement isn’t sustainable for you.
Avoid “You statements” when confronting her. Statements like “You don’t cook and clean, this is a problem” or “You hardly contribute to keeping this house clean” sound accusatory and would make her defend herself rather than listen to you.
You need to bring up specific instances and how they make you feel. Use “I statement” instead like “I feel frustrated when the house is a mess. Can we help each other keep it clean?” or “I feel overwhelmed when you don’t help me cook every night”.
Focusing the conversation on how your girlfriend doesn’t cook or clean makes you feel will hopefully make your girlfriend more understanding and open up a discussion on how to resolve this matter together.
3. Practise empathy
Empathy is the ability to understand a person’s emotions and the ability to imagine how that person is feeling. Researcher and writer, Brene Brown gives a good explanation in this video.
After you’ve confronted your girlfriend, let her share her perspective. This will be an opportunity for her to explain why she doesn’t cook or clean.
Although your girlfriend doesn’t cook or clean, you might not be aware of the invisible labor that she does to keep the house functioning.
Invisible labor refers to tasks that go unnoticed but need to get done like filling up the gas tank, scheduling medical appointments, and buying groceries. Whatever it is, you must be empathetic when she is speaking to you.
4. Actively listen as to why your girlfriend doesn’t cook or clean
One way to practice empathy is by actively listening to your partner. This means that we shouldn’t be listening to argue, offer solutions, or downplay their feelings.
Instead, we should listen to understand why our girlfriend doesn’t cook or clean, and only interrupt when we need clarification on certain points.
You can also practice non-verbal communication such as making eye contact, nodding when in agreement, and holding their hands if they need support.
5. Identify solutions together when your girlfriend doesn’t cook or clean
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Now you both have listened to each other, the next thing to do would be to identify solutions together. In her book Fair Play, Eve Rodsky has created an incredible method that helps couples split the household responsibilities.
She’s identified 100 main tasks in any relationship and divides those tasks fairly (not equally) so that both couples can contribute to their fair share.
So taking inspiration from Rodsky’s method, sit down together and list down all the household chores that need to be done.
6. Establish standards and expectations
According to Rodsky, couples need to communicate why certain tasks matter and agree upon the standards of what these tasks entail.
For example, when it comes to washing the dishes, do you expect your partner to wipe and put them away after or leave them to dry? How often should we do laundry? Resentment will occur if these minute details are not addressed.
If you think it’s important that your girlfriend cooks and she doesn’t know how to, either accept the fact, adapt, or reevaluate this relationship.
Provided that she’s willing, you can start by helping her in the kitchen and teaching her how to cook. Don’t force this upon her if she doesn’t want to. There are plenty of other tasks and her strengths might lie elsewhere.
7. Divide and conquer together
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When dividing up household responsibilities, remember that this is a decision-making process that requires collaborative communication from both parties. Usually, it’s best to assign the task based on preference, capacity, and capability.
Once you both have agreed on the division of household tasks, Rodsky advises that the individual take ownership of the task from start to finish. For example, your girlfriend doesn’t cook or clean the dishes but she’s been tasked to do laundry.
That means she would have to collect the clothes, wash, dry, iron, and fold them. This is to minimize confusion and avoid neglect of any part of the process (which are all equally important).
However, it’s entirely up to you and your partner. If you want to assign certain tasks like cooking as a group effort (e.g. she chops the ingredients, and you cook the meal) then go ahead so long as it makes sense for both of you.
8. Don’t be calculative
To re-emphasize, dividing household responsibilities is a collaborative effort between you and your girlfriend. So you must avoid being calculative in the process.
In other words, don’t keep score. For example, your girlfriend doesn’t cook or clean but you do, so this means you don’t have to do the house repairs. Framing it this way breeds entitlement for a free pass from doing certain chores which isn’t the end goal.
The end goal should be identifying how you and your girlfriend can work together and delegate these responsibilities so that you both benefit from it.
9. Don’t give feedback during the moment
Once you’ve agreed upon the division of tasks, practice this system and see if it works. It’s natural for us to complain or nag our partners as soon as we think they aren’t doing something properly.
I’m guilty of doing this myself. But I’ve learned to hold back my criticism because I know that my partner is trying and nagging him will only make him feel worse.
Instead of calling them out immediately, wait for when the time is right to bring this up. Preferably when your girlfriend’s calm or during a scheduled time.
10. Check in with each other
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Decide on a time to check in with each other. This could be biweekly or every month to see whether you both are okay with the current arrangement.
We can’t expect our partners to scrub the toilets all the time so be open to exchanging roles. If you think you’re going to be busy at work next week, communicate to your partner up front that you can’t cook that week and need her to help.
Remember, things are going to change and evolve so you need to have these check-ins consistently so that you both are always on top of things.
11. Be prepared to offer help
American researcher and best-selling author, Brene Brown argues that relationships are never 50/50 and that you and your partner might turn up to the relationship with different energy levels.
She explains that if your partner is feeling 20% and you’re feeling 80%, then don’t hesitate to support your partner. The same support should be reciprocated if the energy levels are reversed.
So say your girlfriend had an an unexpectedly challenging day at work but she’s been tasked to prep dinner. She informs you that she doesn’t have the energy to cook but you do. Don’t hesitate to take over the responsibility.
However, according to Brene Brown, if you both are feeling drained, then be kind to each other and discuss how you can support one another.
12. Remember your why
Remember you and your partner are a team and to build a household together requires effort, patience, and hard work.
What does a safe and loving home look like to you? How do you define a comfortable space to live in? Remind each other why you’re completing these tasks – so that you can create a harmonious and loving space.
13. Practise gratitude
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It’s easy to get caught up in the household work so it’s important to carve out time out of your schedules for each other.
Start by practicing gratitude. This can be thanking your partner for any specific task they’ve done, giving them a hug of affection, or going out on a date as a show of appreciation. Surely, this will make all your efforts worth it.
14. Celebrate wins together
It’s easy to get caught up in trying to juggle work and household responsibilities so don’t forget to schedule quality time together.
This could be something as elaborate as going out on a date or staying in and having a home-cooked meal. Take a moment to step back and share how you both have progressed as individuals and as a couple after implementing the system.
It’s important to acknowledge the journey it took to get to this point and to celebrate how far you both have come.
Frequently Asked Questions
How do I get my girlfriend to clean the house?
You can try to tell your girlfriend “Let’s spend five minutes cleaning up our stuff”. Communicating a specific time will help you both get started. Completing the task together would also make her feel like you’re not nagging at her because it’s a team effort.
Who should cook and clean in a relationship?
If both husband and wife or girlfriend and boyfriend are working equal hours, they must try to share the mundane household chores as best they can. Whether or not a partner is disabled, and/or physically or mentally incapable of performing certain tasks should also be considered when splitting the work.
Conclusion
Your girlfriend doesn’t cook or clean but she might be responsible for other things that make the relationship function. The division of domestic labor will always be a work in progress.
Provided that you and your partner are collaboratively communicating about this, I do not doubt that you are setting your relationship up for success. All the best!