So, you’ve found out that “my girlfriend is talking to another guy behind my back”. It’s not an ideal situation to be in. You must be feeling confused and angry.
Your feelings right now are valid. The next step is to figure out how to respond and navigate this situation. Read further down as I will walk through the process of what to do when “my girlfriend talking to another guy behind my back”.
Summary
- My girlfriend is talking to another guy behind my back. Should I be worried?
- My girlfriend is talking to another guy behind my back. Should I be jealous?
- 6 reasons why my girlfriend is talking to another guy behind my back.
- 11 steps to follow when my girlfriend is talking to another guy behind my back.
- Frequently asked questions
- Is it ok if my girlfriend talks to other guys?
- Why does my girlfriend talk bad about me behind my back?
- Conclusion
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My Girlfriend is Talking To Another Guy Behind My Back. Should I Be Worried?
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This depends on the status of your relationship. If you’re in a committed relationship and she’s displaying some of the behaviors below, then you should be worried because it would seem that she has something to hide.
- Exchanging inappropriate text messages
- Shielding her phone away from you
- Taking calls or messages in a separate room
- She’s disengaged from you ever since she started talking to the other guy
Have you both just started dating for a few months? Have you both agreed to be mutually exclusive? If you haven’t made it clear that you’re both in a committed relationship, it’s normal for her to be talking to other guys.
If it’s a guy friend she’s known for a while or a male colleague, then you shouldn’t be worried either provided that they’re just talking socially and/or professionally.
My Girlfriend is Talking To Another Guy Behind My Back. Should I Be Jealous?
Jealousy is a normal feeling and can exist in relationships. We don’t acknowledge when we’re jealous because it’s associated with feelings of shame, and guilt, and triggers our insecurities.
According to Dr. John Gottman, jealousy could be triggered by our vulnerabilities rather than our partner’s actions.
For example, your girlfriend is talking to her guy friend and reassures you they’re just old friends. Despite knowing this guy and knowing your girlfriend loves you, you can’t help but feel envious.
You’re jealous because you’ve been cheated on by an ex-partner not because your girlfriend can’t be trusted.
If you find yourself in this situation, you need to reflect and ask why you’re jealous. Is it because you were deceived by a former partner? Did you witness someone you care about get cheated on?
Be honest and get to the root cause of this emotion so that you’ll understand yourself better.
Poor self-image or self-esteem can cause jealousy. Be honest and ask yourself, do you suffer from low self-confidence? Do you feel your partner is better than you and you will lose her to someone else?
If you don’t feel confident or attractive, it can be difficult to imagine your partner loving you.
Learning to love yourself is a constant work in progress but it’s important to take small steps now to overcome these feelings before they hurt your relationship.
6 Reasons Why my Girlfriend Is Talking To Another Guy behind my back
Before we jump to conclusions, let’s consider what are the possible reasons why you believe “my girlfriend is talking to another guy behind my back”.
You also need to consider that you might have played a role in making her talk to other guys. Whatever it is, do reflect on your relationship and see which of these reasons apply to your own.
1. She Loves The Attention
It’s natural to feel flattered when someone compliments us or takes an interest in us by asking lots of questions.
Your girlfriend is talking to another guy behind my back because she’s enjoying the attention she’s receiving from this guy.
What you need to find out is how she’s choosing to respond to this attention. Yes, she’s talking to him but is it platonically? Or are they flirting with each other? Is the conversation happening sporadically or are they long and frequent?
Identifying the nature of their exchanges will determine how to move forward with this relationship.
2. She Wants To See Your Reaction
In the early stages of a relationship, women would put their partners in specific situations to see how they’ll respond. Assuming you and your girlfriend have also just started dating, it could be that she’s talking to another guy to see how you’ll react.
Will you show signs of unhealthy jealous behavior or will you confront her maturely? Either way, she wants to assess how good you are as a person and as a partner before fully committing to this relationship.
3. She Feels Misunderstood By You
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Another reason “my girlfriend is talking to another guy behind my back” is because she feels more comfortable confiding in him.
Did she express her feelings or her problems before and your response was to dismiss her or get defensive? Did you propose a solution instead of listening to what she had to say?
If this is the case, the guy she’s talking to may make her feel seen and understood instead.
4. She Feels Disconnected From You
Often, couples take for granted the small ways they can emotionally connect with their partner. Examples include asking your partner how their day was, completing a task on their to-do list, or hugging them after a stressful day.
When your partner responds to these acts lovingly, it can reinforce a strong bond between the two of you.
When was the last time you emotionally connected with your girlfriend? If it’s been a while, then chances are the guy she’s talking to is fulfilling her emotional needs that are missing in her current relationship.
5. She Doesn’t Respect You
Another reason why “My girlfriend is talking to another guy behind my back” is she simply doesn’t respect you.
Despite confronting her about this, she immediately got defensive and dismissed your feelings.
Not being honest and transparent, will impact your trust and the foundations of this relationship.
6. She’s No Longer Interested In You
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This might be difficult to consider but the reason your girlfriend is talking to another guy is because she’s no longer interested in you.
Couples can grow apart and it could be that she has developed strong feelings for the person she’s talking to.
However, this is just speculation and the only way to find out why your girlfriend is talking to another guy is to ask her.
With that, here’s what you can do if your girlfriend is talking to another guy behind your back.
11 Steps to follow when my Girlfriend Talking To Another Guy behind my back
1. Do Your Due Diligence
You don’t want to come across as sounding accusatory so list down any behavior to justify your suspicions. Has she been:
- Sending inappropriate text messages?
- Frequently taking calls in private?
- Not present in the relationship?
Having this list on hand will prepare you for the conversation.
2. Accept Your Feelings And Reflect
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I would imagine that you’re feeling hurt, anxious, and upset after doing your due diligence.
How you’re feeling is completely valid so take a moment to accept your feelings before confronting your girlfriend. You can practice healthy coping mechanisms like journaling or exercising. The last thing you want to do is lash out at her.
Reflect on your behavior. Have you done anything recently to make her talk to another guy? Have you been displaying signs of unhealthy jealous behavior?
Examples of this behavior include:
- Checking your girlfriend’s phone without permission
- Assuming your girlfriend is not attracted to you
- Grilling your girlfriend on their whereabouts
- Insulting your girlfriend.
This will help you identify whether you played a role in her talking to another guy and make you more understanding when you have a conversation with her.
3. Initiate The Conversation
Ask your girlfriend if you can schedule a talk with her. Pick a time when you’re both relaxed as this is a difficult topic and can trigger both of you to get defensive.
Be clear about what the purpose of the conversation is and reassure her that you don’t intend to pick a fight but to understand why she’s talking to another guy.
Framing your intentions this way will hopefully make her feel safe and more willing, to be honest during the conversation.
4. Calmly Bring Up Your Concerns
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Explain to her calmly that you’ve noticed a pattern in her behavior and how my girlfriend talking to another guy behind my back makes you feel.
Remember to not make any accusatory remarks by using “you statements” such as “You’re cheating on me cause I’ve seen you talking to other guys” or “You don’t care about me”. Her natural response would be to get defensive, and angry and start an argument.
Use “I statements” like “I feel” or “..it makes me” so that the focus of the conversation is on your emotions and what’s triggering it. You need to phrase your sentences in a way that helps her see things from your perspective.
An example could be: “When you talk to another guy behind my back, it makes me feel upset and disrespected” or “I feel hurt when you talk to another guy because I feel neglected”
5. Practice Empathy
Practicing empathy means feeling what your partner is feeling without any judgment. This is important when having difficult conversations with your partner.
The key to practicing empathy is to listen to understand not to argue when your partner is speaking.
Usually, when our girlfriend is talking, our natural reaction is to defend ourselves (i.e. that’s not what I meant), dismiss their feelings (i.e. oh, it’s not that bad), or offer solutions (i.e. have you tried doing this?).
Regardless of intent, statements like these can frustrate our partner because it’s invalidate their feelings and don’t make them feel heard.
We need to instead practice empathy so that we can understand our partner on a deeper level.
6. Listen Without Judgment
It’s important to not judge when your girlfriend is expressing herself. As mentioned before, be sure to listen to understand, not to respond.
You may interrupt if you need her to clarify something i.e. “Could you explain that again so I can understand your point”. Remember to stay calm by being mindful of your breathing.
Request for a pause if the conversation gets heated and return to it when you both are relaxed.
7. Summarize The Conversation
Summarize the conversation after both of you have spoken. You can also emphasize that you now see things from her perspective and thank her for being honest.
This will show that you’ve been actively listening and give you both a chance to further clarify any points.
8. Think Things Through
Don’t feel pressured to resolve the conflict immediately. Take a moment to process what’s been said.
Consider how you felt after the conversation and decide from there how you’d like to move forward. Can you forgive her for what she’s done? Or is her behavior a deal-breaker?
If you want to stay in this relationship, identify what you need to make it work and re-establish what your boundaries are. Boundaries refer to appropriate behaviors that ensure both parties feel safe in a relationship.
If she continues talking to another guy after this, then that’s overstepping your boundaries. You no longer feel safe in the relationship and it means you can choose to leave the relationship.
Be sure to reflect on what you need to do to make this relationship work especially if you’ve played a role in making her talk to guys.
9. Identify Solutions Together
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You both have agreed to stay in this relationship. Discuss how you both can work together to overcome this challenge and maintain a strong relationship.
Be clear about what you need from her and your boundaries so that she knows how to make you feel safe.
If jealousy was the cause of this conflict, then explain to her why you were jealous and explain to her how you intend to overcome it and what support you need from her.
Ask her what she needs to ensure she feels safe in this relationship. If she talked to other guys because her emotional needs weren’t met, then start making small “bids” for connection.
Be a listening ear when she’s stressed, or give her a hug when she’s overwhelmed. It’s these small acts of kindness that can create a strong bond between you two.
10. Consider Breaking Up As An Option
My girlfriend is talking to another guy behind my back even after having a conversation with her about this matter. This means that she doesn’t respect you or the relationship enough to change her ways.
Take this as a sign that it’s time to move on. It’s a tough decision to consider especially when you deeply care about her but you deserve to be with someone who doesn’t overstep your boundaries and makes you feel safe.
11. Speak To A Professional
Both of you want to make it work but don’t know how to overcome this matter. You may consider speaking to a couple’s therapist or relationship expert to help you navigate this situation.
Having an expert there can help you see your relationship from a different perspective and work out solutions that will bring you both closer.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is It Ok If My Girlfriend Talks To Other Guys?
Accept that she is yours and that it’s normal for her to talk to other guys, provided that she’s not hooking up with them. Similarly, it’s normal for you to talk to other women provided that you aren’t hooking up with other women. Focus on making her respect and attracted to you as a man.
Why Does My Girlfriend Talk Bad About Me Behind My Back?
It could be that they’re angry with you about something but don’t want to tell you to your face. They could be jealous and want to bring you down but, in a passive-aggressive way. There are plenty of reasons but it’s best to ask her directly why she’s talking bad about you behind your back.
Conclusion
Hearing the expression “My girlfriend is talking to another guy behind my back” conjures up feelings of shame, anger, and sadness. I hope you take a moment to stay calm and think rationally about how best to move forward.
What’s important is that you speak with your girlfriend about this. Whatever you choose to do after, I hope it’s a decision that’s best for you and your partner. All the best!