You’re on a date with your girlfriend when suddenly a text notification from her phone goes off. She smiles at the name on her screen.
This isn’t the first time this has happened and you can’t help but wonder, “I think my girlfriend is texting other guys”.
I’m here to reassure you that it’s normal to assume the worst. That’s what my boyfriend did when he caught me looking at my phone all the time and smiling.
I was initially taken aback when he confronted me about this. I explained that I wasn’t texting other guys but rather my friends.
He apologized because he had been around people who were texting other girls despite being in a relationship. His past observations influenced his judgment. I reassured him that this wasn’t the case.
You might be in a similar situation or if you have valid reason to believe that “My girlfriend is texting other guys”, it’s important to consider the context before deciding how to move forward.
Summary
- Should I be worried that my girlfriend is texting other guys?
- 5 reasons why your girlfriend is texting other guys
- 9 steps to follow when your girlfriend is texting other guys
- Should I be jealous if my girlfriend is texting other guys
- Frequently asked questions
- What does it mean when your girlfriend is texting another guy?
- Is it cheating if you text another guy?
- Conclusion
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Should I Be Worried That My Girlfriend Is Texting Other Guys?
Is it ok for your girlfriend to text other guys? I’ve had this conversation with my friends and we all have different answers.
I would say it depends on the circumstances of your relationship.
If you’ve been dating for a few months and haven’t made it clear that you both are mutually exclusive, then it’s normal for your girlfriend to be texting other guys.
Have you both agreed to be in a committed relationship with each other? So long as you both haven’t defined what your relationship status is, then she will continue to entertain text messages from other guys.
If she’s texting an old guy friend or a male colleague whom she has to work with on a project, then it’s normal for her to be texting them.
Provided that the nature of the texts is social or professional, then you shouldn’t have anything to worry about.
You should only worry if you catch your girlfriend texting other guys flirtatiously when you both are in a committed relationship.
If you’re still wondering how to know if your girlfriend is texting other guys, here are a few questions to consider:
- Has she been shielding her phone away from you?
- Or taking calls or text messages in another room?
- Did she change her phone password recently?
- Is your girlfriend texting other guys late at night?
If you’ve noticed such behaviors, then it’s clear she has something to hide and you should be concerned.
5 reasons Why My Girlfriend Is Texting Other Guys
Now that you’ve identified her texting behavior, it’s time to consider why your girlfriend texting other guys. Be sure to reflect on your relationship and see which reasons might apply to yours.
1. my girlfriend Is texting other guys because She Loves The Attention
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Imagine if a girl privately messaged you on Instagram with a flirtatious text or you received a compliment from her, one can’t help but feel flattered.
This is probably how your girlfriend feels when she gets this sort of attention from the guy who has been texting her.
The next thing you need to consider is how she chooses to respond to these texts. Does she respond with blunt answers or does she sound flirtatious? The answer to this question will determine how you should move forward with this matter.
2. My Girlfriend is texting other guys because She Wants To See How I Will Respond
If you’re at the early stages of the relationship, she might be texting other guys to see how you will respond. She might want to see how you will address the matter i.e. whether you will start acting out of jealousy or stay calm.
Either way, she could be assessing your self-confidence as a person and how you handle conflict as a partner.
3. my girlfriend is texting other guys because She Feels Disconnected From me
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When was the last time you attempted to emotionally connect with your girlfriend? If you haven’t been making any “bids”, then there’s a possibility that your girlfriend texts other guys because she is receiving these bids from them.
One of the key reasons couples break up is because they no longer feel an emotional connection with one another.
Dr. John Gottman refers to attempts to emotionally connect with your partner as “bids”. Bids can be verbal or non-verbal, small or big.
Examples of bids include asking your partner how your day’s been, completing a chore on their behalf, or giving your partner a loving squeeze on the shoulder.
If your partner turns towards the bid (i.e. acknowledges and responds to the bid), then it can foster a stronger bond that’s built on affection, safety, and trust.
4. My girlfriend is texting other guys because She Feels Misunderstood By me
Did your partner confide in you or share how she was feeling and your immediate reaction was to dismiss it? Did you get defensive or propose a solution instead of truly listening to what she had to say?
Chances are she no longer feels like she can be honest with you because whatever she says will be misinterpreted. It could be that your girlfriend keeps texting other guys because they make her feel seen and understood.
5. My girlfriend is texting other guys because She’s No Longer Interested In me
It’s a hard truth to consider but there’s a possibility that the reason your girlfriend texting other guys is because she’s simply no longer interested in you.
It’s normal for couples to grow apart and it could be that the person she’s texting can provide something that’s missing in the current relationship.
However, it’s important to remember that this is just speculation and the only way to find out why your girlfriend is texting other guys is to talk to her. With that, here’s what you can do to navigate the situation:
What To Do When My Girlfriend Is Texting Other Guys
1. Reconfirm If She’s Texting Other Guys
If you’re wondering how to confront your girlfriend about texting other guys, list behaviors that have made you feel suspicious first.
Has she been using her phone more than usual? Or frequently taking calls in private? Has she been disconnected or not present in the relationship recently?
By having this list on hand, it will help you prepare for the conversation.
2. Initiate The Conversation And Calmly Bring Up Your Concerns
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Ask your partner if you can schedule a talk with her. Remember you’re confronting her on a difficult topic which may trigger both of you to get defensive so pick a time when you’re both relaxed.
Be clear about what the purpose of the conversation is and reassure her that your intention is not to pick a fight but to understand her. Explain to her calmly that you’ve noticed a pattern in her behavior and how it’s making you feel.
It’s important to not make any accusatory remarks by using “you statements” like “you are cheating on me by texting other guys” or “you don’t care about this relationship”.
This may result in your partner feeling angry and defensive and eventually causing an argument.
Use “I statement” instead like “I feel” or “I would like to..” so that the focus of the conversation is on your emotions and where it comes from. The point of this sentencing is to help her see things from your point of view.
You can phrase it like this: “When you text other guys, it makes me feel upset and disrespected”.
3. Practice Empathy
Practicing empathy means to feel what your partner is feeling without any judgment. This is crucial when having difficult conversations with your partner.
Usually, when our partner is sharing how they feel, the reaction would be to get defensive or to dismiss their point of view by saying things like “Oh it’s not that bad” or “you’re overreacting”.
Statements like these can cause harm because they invalidate your partner’s feelings and it doesn’t make them feel heard.
But by practicing empathy, we get the opportunity to understand our partner on a deeper level.
4. Listen Without Judgment
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Non-defensive listening is one way to practice empathy. It refers to the practice of listening to understand rather than to argue.
If your girlfriend admits to texting other guys, let her explain why and what was the nature of the relationship.
You can take notes so that you can read and reflect on what she said before responding to her. This will help your mind to think rationally rather than be reactionary.
Be mindful of your breathing and slow it down especially when you notice the conversation is getting heated.
If your girlfriend has said anything to upset you or you’re not clear, you can ask her to reframe her sentence – “I’m not sure what you mean, can you reword that again so I can understand?”
Continue asking questions so that you can seek further clarification and understanding of her behavior.
You can also ask to pause if you find the conversation overwhelming. You both can continue where you left off once you’re both in a more calm state.
5. Summarize The Conversation
Once you’ve had the conversation, summarize what your partner has said so that she knows you’ve been actively listening.
You can also say statements like, “It makes sense that you texted him…” or “Of course, you reached out to him because…”.
Now that you’ve heard and validated your partner’s feelings, do remember to not neglect your own.
6. Think Things Through
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After you’ve had the conversation and gathered all the information, take a step back to process what’s been said.
If she’s remorseful and wants to still be in this relationship, then you need to consider whether you’re willing to forgive and move past it or if her actions are a deal-breaker.
It’s a tough decision to make so give yourself a few days to reflect and ensure you’re in a calm mental state when thinking this through.
If you do intend to stay in this relationship, reflect and re-establish what your boundaries are. Boundaries define appropriate behaviors that ensure both parties feel safe in a relationship.
Identify what you need out of the relationship to move forward. If you played a role in making her text other guys, then you need to reflect on your behavior.
Consider whether you will respect what she wants and what you’re willing to do for her.
Confide in your friends if you need to but make sure they’re friends whom you trust.
7. Identify Solutions Together
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You’ve decided to commit to the relationship, now take this as an opportunity to discuss how you both can move forward from this so that it won’t happen again.
Communicate your needs in the relationship and your boundaries so that she knows how to make you feel safe and to re-establish trust.
If the reason she’s been texting other guys is that her emotional needs aren’t being met, start asking her how she would like to be cared for and make an effort to show up in the relationship by making small “bids” for connection.
You can start by paying more attention to her when she’s expressing herself, or compliment her when she’s dressed up. It’s these small acts of kindness that can foster a more emotionally connected relationship.
8. Consider Breaking Up As An Option
If she’s still texting other guys even after you’ve talked things through, then it might be time to end the relationship.
It’s clear from her actions that she’s choosing not to commit to this relationship and has disrespected your boundaries.
Breakups can be difficult especially when you care about this person, but your needs come first and if your girlfriend isn’t able to fulfill them even after you’ve communicated with her, then it’s time to move on.
9. Speak To A Professional
Consider speaking to a couples therapist or relationship coach if you’re still struggling but want to make the relationship work.
By having a trusted expert as a third party, they will be able to offer new insights and different ways to navigate the challenges in your relationship.
Should I Be Jealous If My Girlfriend Is Texting Other Guys?
Jealousy is a normal feeling. Often, it’s an emotion that we don’t acknowledge because it’s associated with feelings of shame and triggers our insecurities.
If she’s been texting her guy friends or male colleagues platonically and you’re feeling jealous, then you need to reflect on why you’re feeling this way.
Think about why you feel insecure and work towards getting over them by becoming more assured of yourself.
The last thing you want to be is a controlling partner who doesn’t want his girlfriend to text any guys even if it’s their friends or colleagues.
This behavior will only foster anger from your partner and will lead to an unhappy relationship or breakup.
If you have a valid reason to believe that your girlfriend is texting other guys in a flirtatious manner and is dismissing your feelings, then feeling jealous could be signaling to you that something isn’t right and you need to address the matter with her.
Frequently Asked Questions
What does it mean when your girlfriend is texting another guy?
It could mean that she is clearly letting you know that something about your attitude or behavior in the relationship has changed, and it is causing her feelings for you to change, regardless if she is texting another guy behind your back or right in front of you.
There could be many reasons why she is texting another guy, but the only way to know for sure is to initiate a conversation and be patient and calm with her throughout the process.
Is it cheating if you text another guy?
Inappropriate texting in a relationship can be considered cheating in a committed relationship, depending on how the couple define infidelity. Cheating can come in different forms, be it physical, sexual, emotional, or online affairs.
Ask yourself what you think counts as cheating and if texting another guy falls under that definition. Be mindful that context also matters i.e. are the text messages platonic or flirtatious?
If you feel texting another guy counts as cheating, then you need to decide how you’d like to move forward. Is this form of cheating something you’re willing to look past or is this a sign it’s time to break up?
Only you can decide what behavior you can tolerate and what is non-negotiable.
Conclusion
Finding out your girlfriend is texting other guys is not a great situation to be in. It can trigger feelings of hurt, resentment, and jealousy.
You cannot control your girlfriend’s actions but you can control how you handle the situation so remember to stay calm and be patient when navigating this challenge. All the best!