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How To Stop Overthinking In A Long-Distance Relationship

If you’re wondering how to stop overthinking in a long-distance relationship, you’ve clicked on the right article!

Having been in a long-distance relationship, I understand how helpless you feel when you can’t stop thinking about your long-distance relationship. 

Every person in a long-distance relationship worries over different matters so I will try my best to cover all areas, ranging from the “what-ifs” to the comparison thoughts. 

Ultimately, the one thing I want you to take away from this article is that you can manage overthinking in a long-distance relationship. 

So, continue reading if you want to know how to stop overthinking in a long-distance relationship. 

Summary 

  • What is overthinking? 
  • What is overthinking in a long-distance relationship? 
  • What causes overthinking in a long-distance relationship?
  • 11 tips on how to stop overthinking in a long-distance relationship 
  • Frequently asked questions 
    • How to mentally cope with a long-distance relationship? 
    • How to feel secure in a long-distance relationship? 
    • What does an unhealthy long-distance relationship look like? 
  • Conclusion 

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DISCLOSURE

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What is overthinking? 

This image shows a woman overthinking. It's used in the article "how to stop overthinking in a long-distance relationship".

Credit: tumisu

Before I share how to stop overthinking in a long-distance relationship,  let’s unpack what overthinking is. 

Overthinking occurs when you dwell on a worry so much that you struggle to make any decisions or take action.

When we don’t take the steps to overcome overthinking, it can make us feel stressed and anxious. 

What is overthinking in a long-distance relationship? 

Like any relationship in its early stages, you might find yourself in situations where you second-guess every word, action, and interaction with the person you’re with. 

In a long-distance relationship, overthinking can show up differently. 

Unlike other couples, people in long-distance relationships tend to ruminate more over questions about the future such as: 

  • When are we physically seeing each other again? 
  • How long do we have to keep doing long-distance? 
  • Where are we going to settle down? 
  • How are we going to cope with the change? 

As an overthinker who’s in a long-distance relationship, I understand how overwhelming these questions can be. The question is why do we overthink? 

What causes overthinking in a long-distance relationship? 

According to The Reward Foundation, our brain is designed to keep us safe and remove anything perceived as a threat. It does this using the reward system. 

The reward system drives our behavior toward pleasurable stimuli (e.g. sex, food, alcohol, etc.) and away from painful ones that require more effort (e.g. conflict, homework, confrontation, etc.). 

If the behavior offers a reward (e.g. it makes us feel safe which is a pleasurable feeling), we are more likely to repeat it. 

Rewards will reinforce behavior that we perceive (unconsciously) as good for survival, even when they’re not.

In the case of overthinking, we are more likely to repeat this behavior because our brain thinks we are gaining a reward or short-term benefit from it (when we shouldn’t).

We are more likely to avoid behaviors such as having difficult conversations because our brain perceives it as threatening (when it isn’t). 

So what reward does your mind think you’re gaining from overthinking? Licensed marriage and family therapist, Emma McAdams lists down four possible rewards: 

1. False sense of control 

You’re overthinking in a long-distance relationship because analyzing it is a way to control everything. 

Thinking about how your long-distance relationship could go wrong is a way for you to ensure you won’t be hit with any surprises. 

2. False sense of safety 

Overthinking in a long-distance relationship makes you feel you can avoid making mistakes. 

This is rooted in your obsession with making the right decision and striving for perfectionism. 

3. A false sense of reassurance 

You’re someone who struggles with change. Overthinking in a long-distance relationship is a way to avoid uncertainty because you don’t like to embrace it. 

You’d rather think about all the potential scenarios in your head. 

4. Overthinking as a form of important work 

You overthink because you think it’s a productive way to handle your concerns when it’s only making you feel worse. 

Ultimately, overthinking is rooted in fear. We’re afraid of what’s beyond our control so we overthink because it makes us feel safe in the short-term. 

In the long term, however, overthinking focuses on the negative and can lead to us catastrophizing our current situation. 

If we don’t learn how to stop overthinking in a long-distance relationship, this may cause stress among both parties and potentially end the relationship. 

So where do we go from here? Well, I’m here to reassure you that overthinking is not your identity. 

It’s a habit that you’ve practiced over time and is something that can be unlearned with enough time and patience. 

11 Tips On How To Stop Overthinking In A Long-Distance Relationship 

As I mentioned earlier, how to stop overthinking in a long-distance relationship is a skill that can be learned.

Gradually taking steps to manage overthinking will make you feel less overwhelmed by the process and more likely to improve over time.   

I know it’s easier said than done so give yourself grace as you go through this process. 

1. Practise identifying overthinking 

This image shows a woman reflecting on her overthinking patterns. It's used in the article "how to stop overthinking in a long-distance relationship"

Credit: kaboompics

Often, we don’t realize when we’re overthinking because the habit has become second nature. 

So it’s important to start noticing when you’re overthinking in a long-distance relationship and getting yourself out of that cycle immediately. 

You can do this by saying, “I’m overthinking” or getting your friends to point it out whenever you’re overthinking.

If you’re still struggling, here are some questions to help you guide this practice: 

  • When do you overthink the most? 
  • What specifically in your long-distance relationship triggers overthinking? 
  • Is there an incident or scenario that triggers you to overthink your long-distance relationship? 

Set an intention to track your overthinking habits. You can do this for a week and record in your journal when you’re overthinking and what has triggered it. 

2. Schedule when to worry 

Scheduling when to worry is a great way to inform your brain that there’s a time and a place for it. 

You can schedule “worry time” every day at a specific time and it can be for around 15 to 30 minutes. 

The goal is to comparmentalise your worries so that it won’t bleed into the rest of your day.

Not only will this empower you to take control of overthinking, but this practice will help you set better boundaries between yourself and your thoughts. 

3. Write down your worries 

This image shows someone journaling their thoughts. It's used in the article "how to stop overthinking in a long-distance relationship"

Credit: StockSnap 

Another crucial step in how to stop overthinking in a long-distance relationship is to write down your thoughts. 

Once you’ve scheduled when to worry, write down everything that’s bothering you. 

It doesn’t have to be structured or written well – write as a stream of consciousness. The goal is to transfer your thoughts onto paper as this will clear your headspace. 

4. Separate yourself from your thoughts

When learning how to stop overthinking in a long-distance relationship, it’s important to remember that your thoughts are merely thoughts. 

Your thoughts aren’t facts and you have the power to determine which thoughts aren’t helpful and which thoughts are worth exploring. 

Thoughts like “I’m terrible at long-distance relationships!” or “I’m not worthy of my partner’s affection” aren’t helpful because all it does is make you feel bad about yourself. 

“What-if” thoughts like “What if they’re cheating on me?” or “What if it doesn’t work out?” will only make you feel helpless when in fact, you’re more than capable of navigating your relationship. 

5. Review your thoughts 

This image shows a woman reading. It's used in the article "how to stop overthinking in a long-distance relationship"

Credit: julio_55

Now that you’ve transferred your thoughts onto paper, take a moment to read them as a third observer and identify which thought requires closer inspection. 

For instance, you’ve noticed that the future with your long-distance partner is a recurring theme in your thoughts. 

This repetition could indicate that this thought means a lot to you and is worth exploring with your partner. 

6. Shift your thoughts to something more practical 

Thoughts that make you feel bad or helpless won’t do anything to improve your current situation. 

Rather, I encourage you to shift your perspective. Most of the time, we tend to dwell on things that are beyond our control. 

It’s impossible to predict the future fate of your relationship. We can only control how we navigate our relationship in the present. 

So how to stop overthinking in a long-distance relationship is to think about what is within your sphere of control.  

Ask yourself, what direct steps can I take to improve my situation? Or what steps can I take now that will help my long-distance relationship in the future?  

If your concern is “where are you going to settle down?”, weigh out potential locations and the pros and cons for each location. 

If it’s a matter of “when you’re going to see each other next?”, go over each other’s schedules and plan when to meet. 

Ultimately, what’s crucial is that you shift your perspective away from helplessness and towards action. 

I assure you that shifting your thoughts to action will improve your mood and make you feel grounded. 

7. Shift your negative thoughts by focusing on your values 

Another way we can shift this negative perspective is by asking ourselves what our values are and if we’re behaving in line with our values. 

For example, if kindness is an important value, ask yourself if you’re practicing kindness within yourself and your relationship. 

I find that it’s hard to be kind to myself and my partner when I’m comparing our relationship to others. So if you’re struggling with comparison, ask yourself kindly: 

  • What can I do to make my relationship feel more fulfilling? 
  • What do I admire about this couple and how can I incorporate this into my relationship? 

Again, this practice of how to stop overthinking in a long-distance relationship is rooted in taking action rather than allowing our thoughts to paralyze us. 

8. Occupy yourself 

Credit: StockSnap 

I cannot emphasize how important it is to have a life outside of your long-distance relationship.

While it’s important to maintain your long-distance relationship, it shouldn’t consume you nor should it be your entire identity. 

Rather, you should set aside time to focus on cultivating the other important relationships in your life as well. Spend time also engaging in hobbies that you enjoy. 

Keeping yourself busy with these meaningful engagements is another great way to stop overthinking in a long-distance relationship. 

9. Communicate your concerns to your partner 

Credit: StockSnap

I cannot stress the importance of reaching out to your partner when you’re feeling anxious or concerned about your long-distance relationship. 

If you’re overthinking your partner’s commitment, ask yourself why. Did he demonstrate any behavior that made you doubt it? 

Or has previous relationships cloud your judgment? Don’t hesitate to explain to your partner how you’re feeling. 

For example, “I’m feeling anxious about how long we’ll be separated and I need your reassurance that you’re committed to this relationship”. 

Being vulnerable can be intimidating but with the right person, you should feel safe enough to open up. 

10. Identify solutions together  

It’s important to remember that you and your partner are a team. 

If either one of you is overthinking in a long-distance relationship, don’t hesitate to identify solutions together. 

Ask each other what you need to feel reassured and loved despite the distance. What steps can you take to work towards closing the gap in your long-distance relationship? 

Overthinking can make you feel isolated so I hope sharing your concerns with your partner can offer the comfort and reassurance you’re looking for. 

11. Seek professional help 

Sometimes, your partner cannot offer the solution or there will come a point where they don’t have the emotional capacity to support you. 

Now, this isn’t necessarily a sign to end the relationship. It’s important to remember that our partners are human too and they might be struggling with overthinking as well. 

If this is the case, then I would encourage you to seek professional help from a licensed therapist or counselor. 

They can offer practical tools on how to stop overthinking in a long-distance relationship and in general. 

Frequently Asked Questions 

How to mentally cope with a long-distance relationship?

If possible, set a time every day to talk about your day, feelings, or plans to maintain a consistent and meaningful connection. Use technology to do activities together online such as watching a movie or playing a game. This will help you create shared experiences despite the physical distance. 

How to feel secure in a long-distance relationship?

Trust and patience are key in a secure long-distance relationship. By trusting your partner and being patient with the challenges of being in a long-distance relationship can strengthen your emotional bond, despite the physical distance. Also, be open about your needs and expectations. 

What does an unhealthy long-distance relationship look like?

Your partner is messaging you constantly, asking where you are or demanding that you send pictures of people that you’re with. Statements like, “I want to ensure you’re not with anyone I dislike” or “I’m just checking in on you”, indicate controlling behavior and a major sign that you’re in an unhealthy long-distance relationship. 

Conclusion 

Overthinking in a long-distance relationship won’t do anything to move your relationship forward. While it might offer temporary comfort, it won’t contribute towards your happiness in the long run. 

I hope that this article offers you the practical steps you need on how to stop overthinking in a long-distance relationship. 

Remember, managing your thoughts will take time so have patience, trust the process, and more importantly, don’t be hard on yourself. All the best!