MY BOYFRIEND DOESN’T COMMUNICATE WHEN WE’RE APART – help!
I can imagine how frustrated you must feel once you’ve realized, “My boyfriend doesn’t communicate when we’re apart”.
This can especially feel challenging when you’re in a long-distance relationship.
When my boyfriend and I started long-distance, it was challenging for us to find a call time that could accommodate our schedules.
And because we lived in two separate time zones, we frequently missed each other’s calls.
We eventually managed to find our groove – the best time to call was during my night, his afternoon.
If either of us were busy, we’d manage our expectations and send text messages and quick calls during any free time.
These are just a couple of solutions that worked for us but getting to this point required frequent communication, trial, and error.
So I hope I can impart some advice that can help you, especially if you’re in a long-distance relationship, to identify what to do when “my boyfriend doesn’t communicate when we’re apart”.
Summary
- 6 reasons why my boyfriend doesn’t communicate when we’re apart
- 12 things to do when my boyfriend doesn’t communicate when we’re apart
- Conclusion
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DISCLOSURE
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IN A HURRY? HERE ARE THE KEY TAKEAWAYS:
- The main reasons why “my boyfriend doesn’t communicate when we’re apart” are due to differing communication styles, emotional barriers, and external stressors.
- Approach the matter by first sharing what you’ve observed and using the “I statement” to communicate how the lack of communication makes you feel.
- E.g. “I’ve noticed that we haven’t been speaking as often and this makes me feel sad. I’d like to know how you’re feeling about this”.
- Give your boyfriend a chance to explain himself and be sure to listen empathetically.
- If you’re both still committed to strengthening your relationship, identify solutions together.
- This includes learning each other’s preferred mode of communication, sharing each other’s schedules upfront and plotting a time to speak, finding tools to enhance the Wi-Fi, and incorporating fun virtual dates.
- It will take time but what matters is that you both continue learning what works for the both of you and that you’re consistent with your efforts to strengthen emotional connection.
6 Reasons Why My Boyfriend Doesn’t Communicate When We’re Apart
There are several reasons to consider but to summarise, the reasons your boyfriend doesn’t communicate can be summed up into three main categories:
- Personal communication styles
- Emotional barriers
- External stressors
I’ll walk through these categories below.
1. My boyfriend doesn’t communicate when we’re apart because that’s his communication style
Perhaps your boyfriend prefers to share his updates with you in person or during a long phone call.
This is to avoid any misunderstanding over text or maybe he’s generally not a fan of the medium.
However, if you prefer the occasional text message from him, it sounds like there’s a misalignment of each other’s communication preferences.
For a quick check-in during the day, my boyfriend prefers a short call whereas I prefer texting. Unless we’re both swamped, he will reply to my messages and I will answer his call.
Having an awareness of how you both like to maintain emotional connection and acting on it is important to sustain this relationship.
2. My boyfriend doesn’t communicate when we’re apart because he doesn’t know how it’s impacting me
To give your boyfriend the benefit of the doubt, your boyfriend probably assumes that you’re fine with this arrangement of not contacting.
He doesn’t realize how this lack of communication is affecting you so unless you tell him that this needs to change, he will continue to not communicate with you when apart.
3. My boyfriend struggles with being expressive
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If you’re thinking, my boyfriend doesn’t communicate where we’re apart, it’s because he’s struggling with sharing how he feels. In short, he doesn’t want to come across as sounding needy.
Perhaps he wants to communicate with you more but isn’t sure how you’ll react or if you’ll be fine with it.
Another reason could be that he’s not sure what the rules of engagement are when you’re apart.
How frequently should he be texting you? When’s a good time to schedule a call? Not addressing these questions has gotten him ruminating rather than acting on it.
4. My boyfriend doesn’t communicate when we’re apart because he’s emotionally drained
Maintaining a connection, especially in a long-distance relationship can take a toll on you and your partner, especially when you’re both in different time zones.
There have been periods where being apart has strained my relationship.
When either one of us is having a bad day, sometimes all we want is a cuddle but when you’re in a long-distance relationship, that option isn’t readily available.
Your boyfriend might be feeling this way as well. He doesn’t communicate when you’re apart because he’s tired of the scheduled calls and finds the text messages mundane.
Not having the option of scheduling physical dates to make up for the lack of communication during the week probably makes him feel helpless.
His only option right now is to resort to silence.
5. My boyfriend is busy with work and personal obligations so can’t communicate when we’re apart
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Another reason why you feel my boyfriend doesn’t communicate when we’re apart is because he’s busy with work and other commitments.
It’s normal to have other priorities outside of the relationship.
If your boyfriend has been neglecting you due to work, discuss a compromise where he can still slot you in for a catch-up despite his busy schedule.
Not doing so can result in further emotional disconnection.
6. My boyfriend struggles with connectivity
Your boyfriend probably wants to communicate more frequently with you but isn’t able to due to internet connectivity issues.
I completely understand the struggle to try and connect your device to the Wi-Fi.
And when you do, either the video chat informs you “Poor connection” or the screen freezes and you have to restart your device again.
I’m sure this has interrupted your video calls and made it difficult for you to catch up online.
This is probably what’s causing your boyfriend to communicate with you less because he doesn’t want to experience the stress of connecting his device to the Internet.
12 Things To Do When My Boyfriend Doesn’t Communicate When We’re Apart
1. Address any emotional burdens and hurdles in your relationship
Initiate this conversation by sharing with your boyfriend how the current arrangement makes you feel.
An example could be, “I’ve noticed that we haven’t been speaking as often and this makes me feel sad. I’d like to know how you’re feeling about this”.
Using “I statements” is a great way to start these conversations because it focuses the attention on how the situation makes you feel.
Had you started with “You never talk to me anymore”, it would’ve come across like an attack and your boyfriend would have wanted to defend himself rather than listen to you.
2. Listen to your boyfriend’s concerns empathetically
Be ready to empathize when your boyfriend shares his reasons for not communicating while apart.
One way to practice empathy is by actively listening to your boyfriend’s concerns.
This can be done through maintaining eye contact and nodding to acknowledge his points. You can interrupt if you need to clarify any points.
Acknowledging how challenging the situation is will make him feel seen and heard and subsequently increase emotional connection.
3. Identify solutions together on how to enhance communication
When you’re ready, discuss what are some practical steps you can take to enhance communication.
American psychologist and relationship expert, Dr. John Gottman believes that one way to strengthen relationships is by maintaining bids for connection.
These bids refer to small and big acts of kindness that we give to our partner consistently that are then received and reciprocated.
The key here is consistency so my next few suggestions on how to improve communication will require this trait from both parties.
4. Identify what each other’s communication preferences are
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Ask each other how you like to maintain the connection. Is it through texting or over the phone? Or a mix of both?
The goal is to be clear with each other about how you’d like to stay in touch when you’re both apart. Explain to your boyfriend why you prefer certain communication modes over others.
The objective is to not only learn what the other communication preference is but also understand why they prefer it.
For example, I learned that my boyfriend appreciates my morning texts. While it’s just a simple text, it communicates to my boyfriend that I’m thinking of him.
Through understanding, we can learn to make sense of why certain behaviors matter to our partners because what seems trivial to you, could be significant to your boyfriend.
5. Share each other’s schedules
The first thing you can do is share what each other’s schedules look like. You can also create a shared Google calendar so that you know each other’s plans.
If you’re both upfront at the start of the week about how busy your schedule is, this will help manage each other’s expectations in terms of frequency of communication.
Making this exercise a weekly practice will not only enhance connection but also offer reassurance that you’re both still committed to this relationship.
6. Schedule check-ins and longer calls
While it’s understood that you’re both busy, it doesn’t give an excuse to completely neglect each other.
Once you’re both aware of each other’s priorities, make it a point to plot time for check-ins and longer calls.
As I mentioned earlier, no matter how busy my boyfriend and I are, we always text each other good morning as a show that we’re thinking of each other.
If we’re busy, we also make it a point to schedule a longer chat so that we can catch each other up on the details of our week.
It’s these routine practices that will maintain emotional connection despite being physically distant.
7. Explore other communication tools and improve connectivity
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Another practical tip to resolve any technical challenges you’re experiencing is to explore enhancing your Wi-Fi’s connectivity.
You can do this by purchasing a Wi-Fi extender, a stronger antenna for your router, or a whole home mesh Wi-Fi system to boost the Internet’s signal in other areas of the home.
Alternatively, you can use other video call apps like Discord which is said to be a great platform for sharing screens and video calling.
8. Get creative with interactions
If the reason your boyfriend doesn’t communicate when you’re apart is that he finds the catch-up mundane, then think of creative ways to foster connection.
Here are a few suggestions that my boyfriend and I have also tried:
- Sketch a prompt in 5 minutes and show it to each other
- Ask each other questions using conversation cards
- Write in 15 minutes based on a prompt and share your story
- Watch a movie together virtually
- Order a meal and eat together
The goal is to incorporate new and fun ways to interact with each other.
9. Incorporate surprise gestures to maintain the connection
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Another way to get creative is to include surprise gestures to maintain the connection.
Do something for each other that’s out of the ordinary like sending a love letter or the occasional small gift.
Scheduling spontaneity sounds paradoxical but there’s no harm in putting in a little more effort than usual to enhance connection.
10. Reflect and discuss any areas of improvement
It’s always a good idea regardless if you’re in a long-distance relationship or not to discuss how you both feel about the current communication arrangement.
Some questions you both can discuss to guide your reflection:
- What did I do that made you feel loved?
- What did you feel we could’ve improved upon?
- What should we do more to maintain connection?
You can schedule this reflection exercise when you’re updating each other’s schedules. Practicing these communication habits will go a long way in strengthening your relationship.
11. Be open to flexibility and compromise
When discussing the frequency of communication or preferred mode of communication, it’s important to be open and willing to compromise if needed.
If your boyfriend isn’t able to commit to a call every night due to work commitments, then schedule a long chat over the weekend.
If you’re not able to reply to his messages during the day, make it a point to send a text message before work starts to let him know you’re thinking of him.
I understand that striking a balance between independence and togetherness is challenging so it’s important to discuss what arrangement is realistic.
And also, establish a compromise if needed.
12. Offer reassurance and continue creating space for honest expression
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A crucial practice, especially in a long-distance relationship is to offer reassurance.
There will be moments where you’ll experience a lull or maintaining communication will be more difficult than usual.
However, it’s important to remind each other why you’re still committed to each other and reassure each other that they’re not alone.
Continue cultivating a safe space for honest expression. Schedule an emergency call if you both need to hear each other.
Sometimes, other priorities need to be put on hold temporarily so that we can tend to our relationships which are just as important, if not more.
Conclusion
I hope this article has clarified your question – why my boyfriend doesn’t communicate when we’re apart.
The best way to be certain is to initiate a conversation with him and discuss how you both can return to that level of emotional closeness in your relationship.
I want to remind you that sustaining communication and connection in a relationship is a choice.
So long as your boyfriend is still committed to making it work, then I’m sure you both will have a strong emotional connection, even when apart. All the best!