My Boyfriend Doesn’t Know How To Comfort Me – What Do I Do? 

It can feel isolating when you realize, “My boyfriend doesn’t know how to comfort me”. 

I used to expect my boyfriend to know what to do to make me feel better, and he did get it right at times. 

But it was disappointing when we didn’t. I soon learned that it’s unrealistic to expect my boyfriend to know how to always comfort me. 

Different scenarios require different forms of support. For example, if I had a tough day at work, I was not looking for a solution, but rather someone to just listen to my rant. 

So I communicated this to my boyfriend whenever he was solutions-oriented and not feelings-oriented with me. 

If this sounds like you and your boyfriend, then I don’t want you to completely dismiss him just yet. 

Rather, let’s see if we can help resolve the matter of your boyfriend not knowing how to comfort you. 

Summary

• 10 reasons why my boyfriend doesn’t know how to comfort me 
• 13 things to do when my boyfriend doesn’t know how to comfort me 
• Conclusion 

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10 Reasons Why My Boyfriend Doesn’t Know How To Comfort Me 

Below are several reasons to consider as to why your boyfriend doesn’t know how to comfort you. 

1. He’s not been told how you like to be comforted 

The first thing I want to address is if you’ve communicated to your boyfriend how you’d like to be comforted. 

If you haven’t, then it sounds like the source of your frustration could be due to not communicating your needs. 

Assuming that your boyfriend should know how to comfort you will only lead to disappointment. 

Instead, it’s our responsibility to learn how we like to be comforted and share that knowledge with our partners. 

2. My boyfriend is assuming how I’d like to be comforted based on his preference 

Unless you’ve told him, your boyfriend is probably assuming how you’d like to be comforted based on his preference. 

What is comforting to your boyfriend? He’s probably choosing to leave you alone because that’s what he prefers.

He wouldn’t think staying by your side is a form of comfort to you (if that’s what you like) because he wouldn’t want that for himself. 

3. His upbringing is why my boyfriend doesn’t know how to comfort me 

Do you know what your boyfriend’s childhood was like? Your boyfriend might struggle with comforting you because his family wasn’t affectionate growing up.

If anyone was sad, they learned to keep it to themselves or had to adopt a “stiff upper lip” attitude when times were tough. 

Unless he’s been told to behave otherwise, then this might be why your boyfriend doesn’t know how to comfort you. 

4. My boyfriend doesn’t know how to comfort me because he’s a problem-solver 

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As mentioned earlier, when I was sharing a work problem with my boyfriend, he would try to offer solutions. 

While he meant well, a solution wasn’t what I needed at that moment. I just needed a listening ear. 

Have you experienced anything similar with your boyfriend? If so, then it would appear that your boyfriend is a solutions-oriented person. 

This isn’t necessarily a bad thing but it does mean that you need to explain that there’s a time and place to be a problem-solver. 

Tell him that he needs to be more “feelings-oriented”, that is be empathetic and emotionally supportive when you’re looking for comfort.

5. My boyfriend struggles with being empathetic

Concerning the previous point, another reason why my boyfriend doesn’t know how to comfort me is because he’s not empathetic towards your situation. 

Empathy means having the ability to emotionally understand what others feel, seeing things from their perspective, and imagining yourself in that place. 

If your boyfriend isn’t able to understand your emotions and respond appropriately, then this can result in struggling to comfort you. 

6. My boyfriend struggles with emotional vulnerability 

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Another reason why you feel my boyfriend doesn’t know how to comfort me is because he struggles with emotional intimacy. 

Perhaps he’s not used to seeing you be vulnerable and is struggling to respond when you’re expressing your emotions. 

His inability to cope with your strong emotions might be why he doesn’t know how to comfort you. 

7. He’s worried he might say something to make me feel worse 

When we see a loved one cry hysterically or show extreme sadness, we immediately don’t want to say or do something that will make them feel worse. 

This might be how your boyfriend feels and why he doesn’t know how to comfort you. 

From his perspective, it’s better to not do or say anything that might make you feel bad or lead to an argument. 

8. My boyfriend didn’t have the emotional capacity to comfort you 

If you and your boyfriend are experiencing hardship together e.g. the loss of a loved one or shared opportunity, then perhaps your boyfriend didn’t have the strength to comfort you. 

I understand that you want your boyfriend to emotionally support you but it can be hard for him to turn up when he’s also experiencing grief. 

In matters like this, be mindful of your boyfriend’s emotions and learn to practice compassion with each other as people grieve differently. 

When he’s ready, you can set aside time to discuss how you can get through this loss together. 

9. My boyfriend doesn’t know how to comfort me because he misunderstood you

Have you told your boyfriend how you’d like to be comforted but he still didn’t follow through? 

Perhaps there was a misunderstanding because it wasn’t made clear how to comfort you.

It’s normal for couples to experience this. Communicating how to comfort each other might require several reiterations of the same instruction.  

Especially when you’ve just started this relationship and are getting to know each other. 

10. My boyfriend doesn’t know how to comfort me because he doesn’t care 

If you’ve told your boyfriend how you like to be comforted and he doesn’t attempt to, then it sounds like he doesn’t care for your feelings. 

I’d be forgiving if he didn’t get it right the first time but continuously tries to make an effort. 

But if he doesn’t even try to comfort you or attempt to learn, then you need to consider whether to stay with him. 

13 Things To Do When My Boyfriend Doesn’t Know How To Comfort Me 

1. Reflecting on the relationship 

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“My boyfriend doesn’t know how to comfort me”, is a generic statement so I want you to dig deeper and identify when this happens specifically. 

Is it when you’re angry? Or when you’re stressing out at work? How about when you’re sad? 

Comforting you when you’re angry will look different from comforting you when you’re sad. So reflect and journal how you’d like to be comforted during these moments.

There might be instances where your boyfriend was able to console you. Note what your boyfriend did to make you feel better.  

I hope by the end of this reflection, you’re clear about what you need from your boyfriend during times of comfort. 

2. Initiate the conversation when you’re both calm 

Before confronting your boyfriend, select a time and place to have this conversation when you’re both calm. 

Often, these discussions can come across as an attack on the person listening. 

So explain to your boyfriend that the purpose of this conversation is to discuss how to improve comforting each other. 

Positioning the conversation as a challenge you want to resolve together (i.e. we vs. the problem) will invite your boyfriend to lean in more. 

3. Highlight moments when he did comfort you  

Often, we’re quick to highlight when our partners have done something wrong. I’m guilty of doing this numerous times. 

But I’ve learned that it’s important to acknowledge moments when they’ve gotten it right for it will make them feel loved and appreciated. 

So if your boyfriend has comforted you in previous situations, acknowledge it and thank him. 

It communicates to your boyfriend that this particular incident doesn’t negate the other times he’s comforted you. 

4. Identify when you would’ve liked to be comforted 

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Explain to your boyfriend how his lack of effort to comfort you in specific situations makes you feel. 

An example of how you could phrase it: “When I was crying, I felt lonely when you didn’t embrace me”. 

Using statements with “I” rather than “You” will focus on how his actions make you feel rather than an attack on his character. 

5. Listen to his perspective 

Give your boyfriend a chance to explain himself. It’s important to be listening empathetically. 

This means listening to understand why your boyfriend behaved the way he did. He might share reasons you’re not aware of. 

In times of vulnerability, be attentive, nod when acknowledging his feelings, and hold his hand for support. 

6. Explain how you’d like to be comforted

Your reflection notes will be useful for this part of the discussion. As mentioned earlier, how to comfort you varies depending on the situation. 

Explain to your boyfriend how you would’ve liked to be comforted and what you need the next time a similar incident occurs. 

An example of how you could phrase it: “If I start crying, I need you to embrace me rather than give me space. It makes me feel comforted”. 

By being specific, it will help your boyfriend understand your needs and hopefully, you’ll no longer say, “My boyfriend doesn’t know how to comfort me”. 

7. Discuss how you both can comfort each other when the situation affects both of you 

If the situation affects both of you e.g. a loss of a loved one or shared opportunity, then you need to extend compassion to your boyfriend. 

People process and cope with hardships differently. Your boyfriend wants to be left alone but you want to process these emotions together.

In this context, find a compromise that works for both of you. If your boyfriend needs a moment to be alone, respect his need for personal space to grieve. 

However, don’t completely neglect your own needs. When the sadness is shared, explain to him how it would help if you both could be vulnerable together. 

You can set aside a time to talk about how you’re both feeling, cuddle or just be in each other’s presence. 

Processing loss together and offering each other support can bring you closer.  

8. Get into the habit of informing your boyfriend what you need at the moment 

To avoid thinking your boyfriend doesn’t know how to comfort you, practice communicating to your boyfriend what you need at that moment. 

If you’ve come home from a stressful day at work, rather than sulking, tell your boyfriend that you’ve had a bad day at work and you need him to rub your feet. 

Alternatively, you can create your own “cues” that inform each other what you need. For example, rather than asking what you need, you can ask your partner “Cuddle or space?” 

Their answer should inform you what they need immediately. It saves them time to explain because you have communicated before what the cue means. 

These small efforts when done consistently will go a long way in strengthening your relationship. 

9. Be patient with each other 

It’s important to be patient with your boyfriend especially when he’s learning new ways to comfort you. 

It takes time to outgrow old habits and implement new ones. Provided that your boyfriend shows a commitment to try, then I trust you’re in good hands. 

10. Practise gratitude with your boyfriend 

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If your boyfriend does show signs of improvement in comforting you, be sure to acknowledge it and thank him. 

Whenever we do something nice for each other, my boyfriend and I thank each other for the thoughtful gesture. 

By showing gratitude, it reinforces the love and support needed to sustain this relationship. 

11. Don’t compare your relationship to others 

I know this is easier said than done but it’s important to not compare your relationship to others. 

Social media only reveals the highlights of someone’s relationship, it doesn’t reveal its hardships or challenges. 

If you do see something in another relationship that you envy, look inward and ask what is it about this couple that you want to see emulated in your relationship. 

Do you want to be comforted with a bouquet or did you like that Mary’s boyfriend was thoughtful? 

Turning envy into a call to reflect and learn is a better way to manage comparison. 

12. Extend your support network 

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If your boyfriend doesn’t have the emotional capacity to comfort you due to personal reasons, reach out to your close friends or family for support. 

It’s important to remember that our boyfriend can’t always fulfill our needs and that our support system can extend beyond our partner.

Alternatively, if you have the financial means and need help improving communication, you can seek professional help from a licensed therapist.  

You can consult with them individually or see one with your boyfriend. They’ll be able to help you navigate your challenges by offering a third-person perspective. 

13. Reassess the relationship 

If your boyfriend continues to dismiss your needs or makes no effort to understand or improve his behavior, then I would encourage you to reassess this relationship. 

Ask yourself what your non-negotiable needs are. If your boyfriend can’t offer that even after you’ve given him a chance to improve, then it might not be worth sticking around. 

Conclusion 

One thing I’ve had to unlearn is that our partners should know how to comfort us. This only invites disappointment when they aren’t able to meet our needs. 

We must know how we’d like to be comforted first and that we communicate it clearly to our partners. 

I hope that by communicating to your boyfriend how you’d like to be comforted, you’ll see significant improvement in your relationship. All the best!