My Boyfriend Doesn’t Share His Problems With Me – What Do I Do
You’re realizing that “My boyfriend doesn’t share his problems with me” and it’s becoming a growing concern.
Not sharing your problems with your partner is a symptom of a bigger issue which is a lack of emotional intimacy in a relationship.
Emotional intimacy is crucial for a loving relationship. It means celebrating the highs but also supporting each other during the lows.
This didn’t come naturally at the beginning of our relationship as we both struggled to be vulnerable with each other for fear of being misunderstood.
However, with a willingness to learn and determination to understand each other, we’ve learned to be more emotionally intimate.
So don’t worry if your boyfriend doesn’t share his problems with you. While it might not come naturally, it’s something attainable if both parties are willing to put in the work.
Summary
- 12 reasons why my boyfriend doesn’t share his problems with me
- 13 things to do when my boyfriend doesn’t share his problems with me
- Conclusion
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DISCLOSURE
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IN A HURRY? HERE ARE THE KEY TAKEAWAYS:
- The three main reasons why your boyfriend doesn’t share his problems are social conditioning and expectations around masculinity, fear of judgment and vulnerability, and coping mechanisms and communication styles.
- Initiate a conversation and ask your boyfriend why he doesn’t share his problems with you.
- Given the sensitivity of the topic, approach it with care and reassure him that you won’t judge him for his honesty.
- Explain to him the importance for him to share his problems with you, that is to build emotional intimacy in your relationship.
- Building emotional intimacy is not necessarily an end goal but a process so start practicing opening up with each other.
- You can do this by scheduling time for expression, showing gratitude when the other person is being vulnerable, and actively listening to each other’s concerns.
- If you need additional support and have the financial means, you can consult with a licensed therapist to help you foster emotional intimacy.
12 Reasons Why My Boyfriend Doesn’t Share His Problems With Me
There are plenty of reasons why your boyfriend doesn’t share his problems but generally, I would say the reasons can be sorted into three main categories:
Social conditioning and expectations around masculinity, fear of judgment and vulnerability, and coping mechanisms and communication styles.
The reasons listed below are related to either one or more of these three main categories.
1. My boyfriend doesn’t share his problems with me because he Struggles to articulate
One reason why you think, my boyfriend doesn’t share his problems with me, is because he struggles to be articulate.
Perhaps your boyfriend does want to share his problems but doesn’t know how to express himself. Rather than attempt to share his problems, he’s choosing not to altogether.
2. My boyfriend doesn’t share his problems with me for fear of being misunderstood
Your boyfriend’s inability to share his problems with you could be due to fear of misunderstanding.
When my boyfriend and I first started dating, he admitted that he struggled to share his problems related to his family.
Both of us come from two very different upbringings so because of this, he felt that I wouldn’t be able to relate or understand him.
Your boyfriend might be feeling the same way or there might be differences between you and your partner that are preventing him from opening up.
3. My boyfriend doesn’t share his problems with me for fear of judgment
There’s a possibility that your boyfriend is afraid that you’ll judge or look at him differently if he shares his problems with you.
Your boyfriend might’ve had a negative experience opening up or he’s conditioned by society to “toughen up” and not share his problems.
Regardless, I’m sure we’ve all experienced a fear of judgment so I hope this reason will invite compassion.
4. My boyfriend doesn’t share his problems with me because he’s unable to process them himself
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Your boyfriend might not share his problems with you because he hasn’t fully processed them himself.
I’m not sure of the severity of his problems but I would imagine that he’s experiencing stress and discomfort. However, there might be other emotions arising from his problems that he’s not able to pinpoint.
Rather than trying to make sense of it verbally, he’s choosing to keep it to himself or process it on his own.
5. My boyfriend is abiding by traditional expectations around masculinity
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Traditionally, men are socially conditioned to appear tough. This means that they must exhibit strength, power, and competitiveness, and less openly display emotion and affection.
By discouraging men from being vulnerable and expressing themselves for fear of appearing weak, we are holding them to unrealistic standards.
This frame of thinking only makes them feel more stressed and isolated because they’re unable to share how they’re feeling which benefits them greatly.
6. My boyfriend’s been raised not to share his problems
Another reason why you feel my boyfriend doesn’t share his problems with me is because he was raised to be unexpressive.
He has parents who didn’t communicate their feelings to each other and they didn’t teach him to share his emotions or problems.
As a result of this, it has shaped how he behaves in this relationship.
7. My boyfriend prefers to keep to himself
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Is your boyfriend naturally quiet? Chances are your boyfriend doesn’t share his problems because he would rather keep it to himself.
Perhaps your boyfriend thinks that his problems are insignificant and not worth sharing with you.
8. My boyfriend doesn’t want to worry me
Whenever our loved ones share their problems, we would be concerned or sad that we cannot alleviate the stress or burden from them.
Perhaps your boyfriend doesn’t share his problems with you because he doesn’t want to worry you.
He doesn’t want his problems to create unnecessary stress on you and it would be better to keep his personal affairs separate from the relationship.
9. My boyfriend would rather share his problems after he’s resolved them
Maybe your boyfriend does intend to share his problems but only after he’s resolved them. Have you noticed this in previous conversations?
As mentioned in my previous point, your boyfriend doesn’t want to burden or worry you with his problems.
So to make you feel more at ease, he’d rather resolve his problems first and then only inform you.
10. My boyfriend Isn’t ready to be vulnerable
If you’ve only been seeing each other for several months, then the reason “my boyfriend doesn’t share his problems with me” is that he isn’t ready to be vulnerable with you.
Some people take a while to be emotionally intimate no matter how many times we’ve assured them.
Your boyfriend’s upbringing, previous relationship, or disposition might have contributed to him being closed off in this relationship.
This doesn’t mean that you both lack compatibility but rather more patience and effort from both parties are required to build emotional intimacy.
11. My boyfriend doesn’t share his problems with me because it overwhelms him
When an unpleasant feeling arises, a common reaction would be to suppress it or be consumed by it.
Your boyfriend might not share his problems with you because thinking about them overwhelms him.
Feeling overwhelmed can cause discomfort and so rather than sit with the discomfort and share his problems with you, your boyfriend is choosing to dismiss it completely.
12. My boyfriend doesn’t share his problems with me because he’s not taught how to
We’re not taught at a young age how to regulate our emotions and how to communicate them effectively.
Over time, we learn as we get older and as we encounter more people in our everyday lives. However, some people take more time than others to be emotionally intelligent.
Your boyfriend might fall under this category.
13 Things To Do When My Boyfriend Doesn’t Share His Problems With Me
1. Seek to understand why your boyfriend doesn’t share his problems with you
When initiating the conversation with your boyfriend, tell him what your intentions are that is to understand why he doesn’t share his problems with you.
Given this topic might be a sensitive one for your boyfriend, ensure you approach this subject with care and compassion.
You can do this by reassuring him that you don’t intend to argue but rather to understand his perspective.
Framing it as a discussion rather than a confrontation will hopefully invite your boyfriend to be honest with you.
2. Listen empathetically to his concerns
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When having this discussion, it’s important to maintain a level of safety so that your boyfriend feels comfortable sharing why he doesn’t share his problems with you.
One way to do this is by listening empathetically. This means listening to understand your boyfriend’s feelings and leaning into that emotion with them.
You can listen empathetically by only interrupting to clarify points and nodding to acknowledge their feelings.
3. Explain why it’s important to share problems
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If your boyfriend is unable to share his problems with you, then your relationship might suffer from a lack of emotional intimacy.
Emotional intimacy refers to knowing your partner on a deeper level so that you feel safe enough to express yourself honestly.
It refers to the ability to be vulnerable and feel assured that you will be seen not misunderstood.
Your boyfriend probably has preconceived notions about what it means to be emotionally intimate.
So once you’ve identified what they are, explain to him the importance of sharing his problems.
Developing a closer relationship, temporary release of stress, and someone to brainstorm solutions with are just a few benefits you can mention to your boyfriend when he shares his problems with you.
4. Be vulnerable first
If you haven’t already, you can lead by example and be vulnerable to your boyfriend.
Letting your guard down first demonstrates to your boyfriend that you’re also human with personal struggles and that you feel safe enough, to be honest around your boyfriend.
Hopefully, your boyfriend will be encouraged to do the same.
5. Reassure your boyfriend that you won’t judge him when he shares his problems
Remember, your boyfriend isn’t used to sharing his problems so it will be daunting for him.
So be ready to reassure him that you won’t judge him and that you’re committed to understanding and supporting him.
If he’s communicated to you any specific concerns, reassure him that you’ll do the opposite of those concerns.
Ultimately, you must be mindful of your words and actions to maintain a safe space for your boyfriend to express himself.
6. Use positive body language
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Another way to encourage your boyfriend to share his problems is by using positive body language.
How you respond to your body also has an impact on your boyfriend’s ability to be emotionally intimate.
Crossing your arms or looking at your phone will signal to your boyfriend that you’re not interested.
Instead, invite him to openly share his concerns by maintaining eye contact, holding his hand for support, and embracing him with a hug or smile afterward.
Sharing problems or being expressive can be daunting for your boyfriend so don’t hesitate to practice these non-verbal cues to foster emotional intimacy.
7. Encourage the use of “I” statements during expression
A habit you can practice together is learning how to communicate your feelings. If your boyfriend is struggling with this, ask him to start with “I feel”.
Encourage him to say the first emotion that comes to mind. Then you can follow up by asking what he thinks is making him feel this way.
The point of this exercise is to get your boyfriend to be better at labeling his emotions and identifying what pain points are causing him to feel such emotions.
8. Ask open-ended questions to invite more expression
An alternative way to encourage more self-expression is by asking open-ended questions.
If he cannot label or identify his emotions, ask him to describe the emotion. Is his heart beating faster?
You can also call him out if he’s displaying any unusual behavior such as pacing back-and-forth or maintaining a furrowed expression.
Or you can ask him what’s on his mind. This can invite him to share any concerns he’s experiencing.
If your boyfriend isn’t someone who willingly shares his thoughts, asking him these questions or noticing slight quirks will hopefully prompt him to do so.
9. Validate his emotions and don’t problem-solve
Another important aspect when creating a safe space for your boyfriend to share his problems with you is to validate his emotions.
Whenever someone shares their problems, we immediately want to resolve them. While we mean well, this isn’t the best response at that moment.
What’s best for the person ranting is to listen to them. All they want is an outlet to express themselves and feel heard.
So when your boyfriend shares his problems, don’t immediately jump into “solutions-mode”.
Rather, saying things like “sounds like you’re going through a lot” or “you must be feeling overwhelmed” informs your boyfriend that you’ve been listening.
Even if you might not label how he’s feeling correctly, at least you’ve made it clear that you’re acknowledging the situation he’s in and that his feelings are valid.
10. Be patient with your boyfriend
You must remember that it will take time for your boyfriend to share his problems especially when he’s been conditioned his whole life to not be expressive.
View this as a journey towards emotional intimacy that consistently needs to be looked at, not an end goal.
You cannot control or force your boyfriend to share his problems. Rather you can only encourage him to do so.
Provided that he’s just as committed to being more open and expressive with you, then I’m sure you both will be setting your relationship up for success.
11. Acknowledge and celebrate when your boyfriend opens up
If your boyfriend does share his problems with you of his own volition, spare a moment to acknowledge and celebrate this moment.
Thank him for his vulnerability and tell him how you appreciate him for having the courage to share his problems with you.
12. Establish a routine for open communication
If you want your boyfriend to share his problems with you, you can establish a routine for open communication.
Schedule a time once a week for both of you to share what’s been on your mind. It could be an outlet for you to express any problems at work, family issues, or any other concerns.
The point of this routine is to not only offer a space to release stress but also to cultivate openness in the relationship.
Scheduling once a week might also be a gentler way to help your boyfriend ease into being more open toward sharing his problems with you.
13. Seek professional help
If you’re looking for any further assistance, you can also speak to a licensed therapist or couples counselor to navigate this challenge.
As mentioned earlier, it’s important to build emotional intimacy with your boyfriend and that includes being able to share the highs and lows in a relationship.
So if you’re both still committed to making this relationship work and have the financial means, reach out to a professional third party for help.
Conclusion
There are plenty of reasons why you feel my boyfriend doesn’t share his problems with me. But the best way to uncover the actual reason is by asking your boyfriend why.
The next step is to work towards building a relationship where you and your boyfriend can share your problems without fear of judgment or misunderstanding.
Cultivating emotional intimacy is a process but so long as you and your boyfriend are committed, then I have faith you both will be fine. All the best!