My Boyfriend Doesn’t Want To Spend Time With Me – what to do
You’ve realized “My boyfriend doesn’t want to spend time with me”. The tough reason is that he’s no longer interested in you.
The alternative reason is that he’s busy with work or struggling with personal matters outside of the relationship.
When this happened with my boyfriend and I, we made it a point to at least schedule a phone call at the end of the day or during the weekend to check in with each other.
Although the check-ins were short, at least we were consistent with our efforts, and this reassured me of his commitment to the relationship.
The reassurance that you’re seeking might look different to you but what’s important is that you address this with your boyfriend soon.
Summary
- 12 things to do when my boyfriend doesn’t want to spend time with me
- Frequently asked questions
- What does it mean when your boyfriend doesn’t want to spend time with you?
- Can a relationship last without spending time together?
- Conclusion
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In a hurry? Here are the key takeaways:
- Specify his actions and use the “I statement” to explain how they make you feel (E.g. I feel sad when we don’t schedule date nights as I need to spend quality time with you) so that you can get your point across to him.
- Define what spending time together looks like for both of you. If definitions differ, decide on one that works for both of you.
- Discuss and commit to a compromise if your boyfriend isn’t able to spend as much time with you due to work or personal matters.
- Make bids for connection so that you still feel close and secure in this relationship.
- Consider ending the relationship if he doesn’t compromise, makes excuses, or continuously prioritizes his friends over you.
- Not being able to meet you halfway or adjust his schedule to be with you indicates a lack of commitment or interest toward you and the relationship.
12 Things To Do When My Boyfriend Doesn’t Want To Spend Time With Me
It’s disheartening when you realize that my boyfriend doesn’t want to spend time with me.
However, it’s not all doom and gloom. Here’s my suggestion on how you can best navigate this situation.
1. My boyfriend doesn’t want to spend time with me so I should set intentions for the conversation
Before telling him how you feel, pick a time and place that’s suitable for both of you.
Schedule it when you’re both in a calm state so that you can discuss the matter rationally.
A practice that I feel is crucial before having a serious conversation with your boyfriend is setting intentions for the conversation.
Setting intentions means being clear with your boyfriend that your purpose for this conversation is not to point blame but rather to resolve a problem together.
It’s important to make that distinction clear that is, the conversation isn’t to pit yourselves against each other (i.e. me vs. you).
Instead, it’s to overcome this challenge as a couple (i.e. us vs. the problem of not spending time together).
Positioning the conversation this way will encourage your boyfriend to let his guard down and invite him to listen and converse with you.
2. My boyfriend doesn’t want to spend time with me so I should tell him how I feel
Credit: gracinistudios
Another practice that is important when having serious conversations with your boyfriend is to use “I statement” rather than “You statements”.
American psychologist and relationship expert, Dr. John Gottman calls this the “Gentle Startup”. It’s a way to express how you feel and what you need without directing blame.
Starting conversations with “You never spend time with me” or “You don’t care enough to be with me” will only make your boyfriend want to defend his actions.
Try phrasing it like this: “I feel sad when we don’t schedule date nights and I need to spend quality time with you”.
What makes this a good “I statement” is that you stated how you felt (i.e. sad) and specified what action (i.e. not scheduling date nights) made you feel this way.
If you don’t specify what you mean by not spending time with you, your boyfriend will start listing down all the times he thinks he has.
You also stated what you need (i.e. quality time) from your boyfriend at this moment. Hopefully, this will also invite your boyfriend to see things from your perspective.
3. Hear my boyfriend’s perspective on why he doesn’t want to spend time with me
Instead of wondering why my boyfriend doesn’t want to spend time with me, give him a chance to explain himself.
His lack of attentiveness towards this relationship could be due to challenges at work, family issues, or personal struggles. So be empathetic when listening to your boyfriend.
This means listening to understand rather than argue, interrupting them only when seeking clarification, and nodding to acknowledge their feelings.
4. Define what spending time together means for both of us
Usually, a source of conflict between couples is a misalignment of expectations. For example, you believe that my boyfriend doesn’t want to spend time with me.
This is because he never schedules dates with you. However, your boyfriend thinks that watching a show at home or going out with his friends counts as spending time with you.
From this example, it’s clear that you both have different ideas of what it means to spend time with each other.
So discuss with each other what spending time with each other means for both of you to avoid any misunderstanding.
5. My boyfriend doesn’t want to spend time with me so let’s establish a compromise
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Now that you’re clear about what spending time together means for both of you, define one that is compatible with both of you.
If scheduling date nights is what you need but your boyfriend prefers to be spontaneous, then discuss a compromise that satisfies both of your needs.
It could be agreeing to spontaneous date nights but there must be scheduled date nights twice a month.
You both should also define your ideal date e.g. it must be uninterrupted, meaning no phones and fully focused on getting reacquainted with each other.
The goal of establishing a compromise is to make sure that neither one feels short-changed and that you’re both happy with the arrangement.
6. Commit to the compromise and readjust when needed
Committing to the arrangement that you both have agreed upon will hopefully make you worry less about why my boyfriend doesn’t want to spend time with me.
This arrangement might take time to get used to so be patient with each other.
So long as your boyfriend shows effort and willingness to improve, then I hope this will give you the reassurance you need to continue working things out with him.
I understand that you might experience changes such as work needs to take priority or you want to spend time with friends.
If this is the case, discuss and renegotiate with your boyfriend when to spend time with each other.
It’s normal if you need to readjust your plans so long as you both communicate in advance and are satisfied with the arrangement.
7. Make bids for connection
Credit: sasint
If the current circumstances do make it difficult to spend time together e.g. your boyfriend is swamped with work, he’s away, or he’s going through personal struggles, then don’t feel disheartened.
If maintaining connection is what you’re seeking from wanting to spend time with him, then be open to maintaining it by making bids.
Coined by Dr. John Gottman, bids refer to consistent acts of kindness that we show to our partners.
If our partners turn towards these bids, i.e. accept or receive these bids lovingly, then this will cultivate a stronger connection.
Examples include sending a good morning text message every day or getting on the phone for a 10-minute call.
So if my boyfriend doesn’t want to spend time with me, at least you’ll have these small yet consistent efforts that can go a long way toward maintaining this relationship.
It just needs to be practiced and reciprocated by both parties.
I would like to make a point that this step isn’t a replacement for spending time together. Rather, it’s a short-term solution when circumstances make it impossible to do so.
However, when you can spend time together, making bids shouldn’t be tossed aside completely but it should still be practiced to enhance the relationship.
8. End the relationship
An important point to consider. I’m usually all for making a relationship work especially when you’re experiencing challenges.
However, certain situations warrant a second guess. Below are several signs to end the relationship with your boyfriend if he doesn’t want to spend time with you.
9. Continuously makes no effort and makes excuses
My boyfriend doesn’t want to spend time with me and after confronting him about it, he continues to make excuses or doesn’t make an effort to improve the situation.
If this sounds like your boyfriend, then I would reconsider staying in this relationship.
If your boyfriend truly cared about you, he would be determined to change his behavior or listen to what you need to make you feel loved.
10. Prioritize his friends over you
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If the reason you feel “My boyfriend doesn’t want to spend time with me because he’s busy with his friends”, then this reveals where his priorities lie.
I’m not suggesting that he should devote all his attention to you and completely neglect his friends.
But being in a relationship means understanding that some of your time will be split between your partner and your friends.
If your boyfriend refuses to commit at least some of this free time to you, then take this as a sign that he’s not interested in pursuing this relationship.
11. Misalignment of expectations and refusal to compromise
As mentioned earlier, your boyfriend likes to go with the flow, but you want to be intentional with how you spend your time.
Your boyfriend thinks you joining his friends on a night out counts as spending time together, whereas your definition of spending time together is being on your own as a couple.
If there’s a misalignment of expectations and you’re both unable to meet each other halfway, then take it as a sign that you both might not be compatible.
You either accept the situation for what it is or find someone who can meet your needs.
12. He’s simply no longer interested in you
Credit: Sammy-Sander
A tough pill to swallow but if he shows no effort to want to spend time with you and you have to beg for his time and attention, then it sounds like he’s no longer interested.
You deserve to be with someone who will make it a point to spend time with you despite his busy schedule. Don’t settle for anything less.
Frequently Asked Questions
What does it mean when your boyfriend doesn’t want to spend time with you?
It could be that he’s dealing with personal issues, feeling stressed, or going through changes in his life. There are plenty of reasons why my boyfriend doesn’t want to spend time with me. But what matters is that you speak with him directly to gain his perspective.
Can a relationship last without spending time together?
Having your personal space and spending time for yourself is also necessary for a healthy long-term relationship. Quality time together can be hard to come by, especially when you’re both busy pursuing other interests. However, scheduling time for each other is crucial to sustain a relationship.
Conclusion
I hope you’ll get the answers you seek and what you need from your boyfriend after having a conversation with him.
Key things to take note of are how he responds and his actions afterward. Excuses like he’s too busy don’t justify him not making time for you.
Be open to compromise but be clear about what behavior you will not tolerate. If he continues to show no effort towards improving the situation, consider moving on from this relationship. All the best!