my boyfriend expects me to pay for everything – what do i do?

So you’ve found yourself in a situation where “My boyfriend expects me to pay for everything”. Not only is this making you feel uncomfortable but you don’t know how to confront him about this. 

According to a 2014 study by the American Psychological Association, almost one-third of couples (31 percent) reported that money is a major source of conflict in their relationship. 

This doesn’t have to be the case in your relationship. Money is a source of conflict because we’ve not been taught how to navigate finances with someone else. 

Let me share with you what I’ve learned and how you can resolve the matter of your boyfriend expecting you to pay for everything. 

Summary 

• 13 reasons why my boyfriend expects me to pay for everything 
• 10 things to do when my boyfriend expects me to pay for everything 
• Frequently asked questions 
  • Who should pay more in a relationship 
  • Is money a reason to break up 
• Conclusion 

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13 Reasons Why My Boyfriend Expects Me To Pay For Everything 

1. My boyfriend expects me to pay for everything because he’s unemployed 

Has your boyfriend recently been laid off? Is he currently unemployed and searching for a new role? 

If you currently have a secure job with a stable source of income while he doesn’t, then it would make sense that your boyfriend expects you to pay for everything. 

There’s a misconception that couples must split their finances 50/50. This might work for some couples but it’s not the only way to manage money in relationships especially when the circumstances don’t allow it. 

Your boyfriend might be unable to contribute financially due to his unemployment status, but this doesn’t mean this arrangement is permanent. 

However, if you’re beginning to feel the pinch, then you both need to discuss and reevaluate how best to manage your finances while he’s unemployed. 

2. My boyfriend expects me to pay for everything because he earns less than me 

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If you’re earning more than your boyfriend, then he has probably assumed that it’s fair if you pay for everything. 

Articles such as this one suggest that an income-based approach is the best one to manage finances with your partner. 

This stems from the idea that you should aspire towards an equitable partnership. Of course, this isn’t the only method and if you don’t feel right paying for everything because you earn more, then you need to raise your concerns. 

3. He has different beliefs about money 

Related to the previous point, the reason you feel my boyfriend expects me to pay for everything is because he has different views about money. 

Your boyfriend probably believes that the partner who earns more should financially contribute more to the household. 

By this logic, that’s probably why he feels strongly about you paying for everything as your income status over his makes you the breadwinner. 

4. My boyfriend expects me to pay for everything because he feels entitled to since he contributes less 

Due to his unemployment status or his lower income bracket, your boyfriend might feel that it’s valid for you to pay for everything and that he contributes less. 

As mentioned earlier, finances amongst couples shouldn’t always be split 50/50 and financial contributions should be determined based on each person’s financial situation.

However, you shouldn’t be requested to pay for everything if it comes at the cost of your financial well-being. 

If you’re feeling overwhelmed or financially strained, then you need to confront your boyfriend about this. 

5. My boyfriend expects me to pay for everything because he’s in financial debt 

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This would be a good time to remind ourselves that people come into partnerships from different financial situations, and this will affect how expenses are divided. 

You aren’t tied down to any student loans or credit card debt, but your boyfriend might. 

While this doesn’t justify him expecting you to pay for everything, it does mean that you need to reevaluate how to manage your shared finances. 

You need to get a better understanding of your boyfriend’s financial situation and agree on a financial system that’s fair for both of you. 

6. He’s irresponsible with his finances 

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If you’re wondering why my boyfriend expects me to pay for everything, it could indicate that he’s irresponsible with his finances. 

Does he have a habit of spending frivolously? Do you know where his money is going towards? 

He might expect you to pay for everything because he’s been spending his own money elsewhere and not putting anything aside for your joint expenses.  

7. He’s unaware of how this makes you feel 

Another reason why my boyfriend expects me to pay for everything is because you’ve enabled him to. 

You were more forgiving when you first started dating and didn’t mind paying for things first. Perhaps he promised that he’d pay you back or that he’d cover the next round. 

This practice has become so normalized that you’re expected to pay for everything. Because you haven’t confronted him, he thinks you’re satisfied with this arrangement. 

8. My boyfriend expects me to pay for everything because he’s inconsiderate 

Being unaware is one thing, but being inconsiderate is another matter. Your boyfriend hasn’t considered how expecting you to pay for everything is affecting you. 

He’s only concerned about his own needs and he’s not looking out for your best interests or what’s financially sustainable for this relationship. 

9. My boyfriend expects me to pay for everything because he’s taking advantage of my generosity 

Perhaps you didn’t mind paying for everything because you’re naturally generous. 

Or you were aware that your boyfriend earned less or is in debt, so you decided to take on more of the financial responsibility. 

However, circumstances have changed and maybe your boyfriend is in a more financially stable position. 

If your boyfriend still expects you to pay for everything, then it’s clear he’s just taking advantage of you. 

10. He’s not financially independent 

Does your boyfriend come from a well-off family? What was his relationship with money growing up? 

It could be that my boyfriend expects me to pay for everything because he was not taught how to manage his own money. 

He’s accustomed to everything being paid for by his family and he’s not learned how to take responsibility for his finances. 

11. my boyfriend expects me to pay for everything because He wants to maintain an unsustainable lifestyle 

Your boyfriend might be accustomed to a certain lifestyle that requires you to spend beyond your means. 

Rather than adapt to your current financial situation, he expects you to help fund this lifestyle. 

Not only is this unfair to you, but this can be damaging to your financial future and overall well-being. 

12. we both have different expectations on splitting responsibilities 

While financial matters are important, other areas need to be discussed between couples such as the distribution of household tasks and scheduling quality time together. 

Could it be that my boyfriend expects me to pay for everything because he’s managing all the non-financial responsibilities? 

Reflect on the dynamics of your relationship. Perhaps your boyfriend is committed to doing all the household chores, cooking, and scheduling appointments. 

Hence he feels it’s justified for you to pay for everything. 

Perhaps you were satisfied with this arrangement but that’s no longer the case. This is perfectly normal as we do change over time. 

What’s important is that you address this matter with him. 

13. my boyfriend expects me to pay for everything because He’s not serious about our financial future 

A hard truth to consider but perhaps the reason why my boyfriend expects me to pay for everything is because he’s not serious about your relationship. 

If you haven’t had an honest conversation about your short and long-term financial goals as a couple, and he’s more focused on spending your money, then this is ringing alarm bells. 

This is a growing concern for you (you wouldn’t be reading this article otherwise), so I would suggest you confront him about this soon.

10 Things To Do When My Boyfriend Expects Me To Pay For Everything 

1. Reassess the relationship 

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It’s normal to feel anxious before having a difficult conversation, especially about money. 

So it’s important to prepare for it by reflecting on the current dynamics of the relationship. What do you mean when you say “My boyfriend expects me to pay for everything”? 

List it down in your journal and think about how this makes you feel. You should have this information ready before you discuss this matter with your boyfriend. 

You cannot control how your boyfriend will respond but you can control how to approach the subject matter. 

2. Raise your concerns with your boyfriend 

Money is viewed as a sensitive topic so it’s important to be firm but kind when having this discussion with your boyfriend especially when his financial situation is different from yours. 

One way you can approach this conversation is to remember that you intend to resolve a problem (the problem being managing expenses), not to complain about how my boyfriend expects me to pay for everything. 

You can apply this approach by communicating with your boyfriend using “I statements”. 

For instance, you could say, “I understand that you’re tight with cash, but I’m feeling overwhelmed by paying for all the expenses. Can we discuss a better arrangement to manage our expenses?”  

Or “I’m not comfortable with the current payment arrangement. Can we reevaluate our finances?”  

This informs your boyfriend how you’re feeling and not putting the blame on him. You’re inviting your boyfriend to resolve this problem together, not pushing him to defend himself. 

Remember, think about the purpose of having this conversation and phrase your sentence around your purpose using “I statements”. 

Invite him to share how he feels and see how he responds. 

3. Allow him to explain himself 

After you’ve shared how you feel, allow him to explain why he expects you to pay for everything. 

I want to emphasize that money can be a sensitive topic so remember to be empathetic. You can do so by actively listening to your boyfriend’s concerns. 

This means maintaining eye contact, only interrupting him to clarify certain points, and summarising his points to show that you’ve been listening to understand. 

If the conversation gets heated or you both are beginning to defend yourselves, don’t hesitate to request a pause and return when you both are in a more calm state. 

There will be misunderstandings especially if it’s your first time as a couple talking about money but so long as you’re both committed to resolving this matter together, then persist. 

4. Reconsider how you feel 

Now that you’ve heard your boyfriend’s perspective, reconsider how you feel. Your boyfriend might be earning less than you now, or he might be in debt and that’s fine. 

The question you need to ask yourself is if you’re willing to contribute more financially for an extended period. 

Are there any compromises you both need to consider making that you’re comfortable with? 

Splitting finances isn’t always 50/50. There will be occasions where you will have to contribute more and other times where he will have to contribute more. 

So long as you both accept this, then it’ll be easier to plan the next steps. 

5. Reevaluate how your finances should be split  

Now that you’re both clear about where you both stand and are committed to improving your relationship with money as a couple, discuss what would be the best arrangement to split your finances. 

One suggestion by financial planner, Cathay Curtis from Curtis Financial Planning is to split household bills according to income and revisit this every year when income changes. 

She suggests listing down all household expenses, including fixed costs (e.g. rent and utilities) and an average of the variable costs (e.g. groceries), then splitting those costs based on income. 

You can deposit these amounts monthly in a joint account. Any money left over can then be saved in a retirement fund or for future date nights. 

Be honest and discuss what arrangement works best for both of you. No one should feel like they’ve been short-changed. Which brings me to my next point: 

6. Discuss what fairness looks like for both of you  

To avoid resentment or dissatisfaction, identify what “fair” looks like for both of you. It’s easy to compare what other couples are doing or what your parents did. 

However, their relationship and financial situation is different from yours. You can refer to them as a guide but you must tailor it to your relationship. 

Remember, you and your boyfriend are a team so work around your current circumstances and identify a “splitting scheme” that is suitable for both parties. 

This way, you’ll no longer be worried over how “my boyfriend expects me to pay for everything” 

7. Set financial goals together 

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If you’ve already established what’s the best way to split your finances, you can extend the conversation by discussing your overall financial goals. 

Ramit Sethi, a financial expert and author, explains that a lack of a shared vision is the main problem couples have over their finances. 

What do we want to spend our money on? Financially, what do we want to do more of? Is there anything we want to do less of? 

These questions will also help you identify what each other’s values are around money. If there’s any disagreement around these questions, find a compromise. 

If “my boyfriend expects me to pay for everything” including date nights, then discuss a more equitable arrangement. 

My suggestion would be the person who initiates the date pays. Alternatively, you can use the money left over from your joint account after deducting your fixed costs. 

8. Proactively talk about money 

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Schedule weekly, biweekly, or monthly check-ins to see if you’re on par with your financial goals. 

I know this might sound daunting but we must shift our mindset around conversations about money. 

Often, money is perceived as negative and scarce. However, if you view money as a tool to help you get what you both want, then you can discuss it with excitement and joy. 

These consistent check-ins about money will also give you both a chance to address any concerns. Remember, your “splitting scheme” isn’t permanent and circumstances may change. 

So if you feel the system isn’t working for you at this point, don’t hesitate to bring this up so you can improve it. This could mean cutting down costs or asking your boyfriend to contribute more if he’s more financially secure. 

9. See a financial advisor or therapist

If you’re feeling overwhelmed, and you have the means, you can reach out to a financial advisor to help you navigate your financial goals. 

If it’s emotional help you need such as changing your perception around money or your relationship with money, you can consider speaking to a licensed therapist or counselor. 

10. End the relationship  

This a hard truth to consider, but you should end the relationship if the following outcomes take place after your conversation with your boyfriend: 

• He keeps making excuses for his behavior 
• He shows no interest in improving or working towards a financial future together 
• Feels entitled towards making you pay for everything and doesn’t see it as a problem 
• Dismisses your feelings entirely 
• He doesn’t fulfill your financial needs which is an important factor you’re looking for in a partner 

Frequently Asked Questions

Who should pay more in a relationship?

A study by Life Happens found that 31% believe that the partner making more money should pay for most things in a relationship. However, in the initial stages of dating, 38% said everything should be split evenly – this is agreed by the Millennial (41%) and Gen Z (41%) groups. 

Is money a reason to break up?

Couples may separate or divorce to achieve peace of mind rather than deal with the unending rifts regarding money. Studies have shown arguments around money are more frequent and intense than other disagreements. Being in debt causes you to forego things you’d like to prioritize as a couple. 

Conclusion 

Don’t feel disheartened if you don’t think you’ll be able to navigate this conversation smoothly. It’s normal to not get it right the first time especially when it’s a sensitive topic like money. 

However, if you continue to persist with these conversations and you have a partner who is willing to listen and learn, you both will gradually enjoy conversing about your finances rather than dread it. It’s your financial future after all. All the best!