“Three words, eight letters. Say it, and I’m yours” If you grew up watching Gossip Girl, you’d understand the chokehold that this sentence had on me!

In the show, Blair Waldorf had given Chuck Bass the ultimatum. Tell me you love me or else I will walk away. 

It reflects the significance that saying “I love you” had on teenage girls watching the show. It’s an affirmation that I want to be with you and I’m not going anywhere.  

Like Blair Waldorf, you must be wondering why my boyfriend hasn’t said I love you in 9 months. Especially when his affections seem clear from his actions. 

You might be thinking all that doesn’t count if he doesn’t say those three words, eight letters. 

Well before we start catastrophizing the situation, let’s take a step back and consider the possible reasons why he hasn’t said I love you in 9 months and what you can do about it. 

Summary 

• 7 reasons why my boyfriend hasn’t said I love you in 9 months 
• 8 things to do when my boyfriend hasn’t said I love you in 9 months 
• Frequently asked questions 
  • How long is too long for your boyfriend not to say I love you?
  • Is 9 months too soon to say I love you?
• Conclusion 

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7 Reasons Why My Boyfriend Hasn’t Said I Love You In 9 Months 

Every relationship is different and the only way to know for sure is by having an honest conversation with your boyfriend. 

However, there are several reasons to consider when wondering why my boyfriend hasn’t said I love you in 9 months. 

1. My boyfriend hasn’t said I love you because he’s been hurt before

Was your boyfriend in a former relationship that didn’t end well? One possible reason why my boyfriend hasn’t said I love you in 9 months is because he’s been hurt. 

He might’ve told his previous girlfriend that she loved him only to find her rejecting him. Rejection can impact our self-confidence and conjure feelings of shame. 

Even if you’ve made your affection for him clear, he might still be impacted by how the last relationship ended. 

He’s choosing to avoid saying these three words altogether to avoid being rejected again. 

2. My boyfriend hasn’t said I love you in 9 months because he’s worried his feelings won’t be reciprocated 

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This relates to the previous point but the reason you think my boyfriend hasn’t said I love you in 9 months is because he’s worried you won’t say it back to him. 

Sometimes, we get caught up thinking about the things our partners have or haven’t done and we neglect to look inwards and identify how our behavior is received by them. 

What are obvious displays of affection, might not be the case for your boyfriend. 

Perhaps you’ve said how much you care about him or shown him gratitude for his actions but from your boyfriend’s perspective, these words aren’t enough to convince him that you love him. 

So your boyfriend has refrained from saying “I love you” because he’s still not sure how you feel about him. 

3. My boyfriend hasn’t said I love you in 9 months because he’s shy 

Does your boyfriend have a shy temperament? Is it easy for him to express how he truly feels? 

Another reason to consider why he hasn’t said I love you in 9 months is because he’s shy. Often, we project expectations onto our boyfriends that we don’t take a step back to see them for who they are. 

If your boyfriend is shy and he’s shown in the past that it takes a while for him to express himself, then you must handle this relationship with patience. 

You must accept him for who he is and look for other signs that show he genuinely cares about you. Otherwise, you could consider bringing this up or moving on. 

4. My boyfriend hasn’t said I love you because he prefers to show his affection towards you rather than say it 

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Your boyfriend could be someone who doesn’t feel comfortable verbally expressing how he feels. Instead, he prefers to show through his actions how much he loves you. 

One of the reasons that motivates this behavior could be due to his upbringing. Did he come from a family that wasn’t expressive or outwardly affectionate?

Did his parents show love by cooking his favorite meals or working hard to pay for his education? 

Instead of wondering why your boyfriend hasn’t said I love you in 9 months, ask yourself in what ways has your boyfriend shown that he loves you. 

You might feel more assured after this reflection exercise. 

5. My boyfriend hasn’t said I love you because he doesn’t think it’s a major concern for you 

There’s an expression that goes “Treat others how you’d like to be treated”. I think there should be a disclaimer when the “others” in question is our partner. 

Different people like to be shown love and affection in different ways. Your boyfriend shows his love towards you through his actions because that’s how he likes to be cared for. 

It could be that your boyfriend doesn’t think saying “I love you” is important to him so by default thinks it’s not important to you either. 

If this is the case, then you need to communicate why hearing him say those three words matters to you. 

6. My boyfriend hasn’t said I love you in 9 months because he thinks it’s too soon 

Some people take longer than others to determine how they truly feel about someone. 

Your boyfriend could be part of the group who thinks saying “I love you” after 9 months of dating is too soon. 

There’s no right or wrong time to say “I love you” to your partner but I think what truly matters is whether that person means it. 

If he’s still making the effort to get to know you and spend time with you, it means that he still wants to make this relationship work. 

However, if verbal reassurance is what you seek, then you need to address the matter with your boyfriend. I’ll explain later in this post. 

7. He doesn’t love you 

A tough but honest reason to consider. If you’re wondering why my boyfriend hasn’t said I love you in 9 months, it could be because he doesn’t love you. 

Is there any underlying reason why you need to hear these words from him? Again, reflect on how he treats you and how he makes you feel. 

If he’s not meeting your needs physically or emotionally, then it could be that he truly doesn’t love you. 

Hearing him say “I love you” might not give you the reassurance you’re seeking nor will it guarantee that he’s committed to this relationship. 

8 Things To Do When My Boyfriend Hasn’t Said I Love You In 9 Months

The reasons listed above are meant to encourage you to consider a different perspective on this situation. 

But the only way to feel certain is by confronting your boyfriend about his true feelings towards you. 

We cannot control the outcome of this conversation but we can control how to navigate it.

1. Don’t compare your relationship to others or societal expectations 

As I mentioned earlier, mainstream media and dating culture have led us to believe that saying “I love you” is a key indicator that someone is truly interested in you. 

I do not doubt it’s nice when someone genuinely says those three words to you. But I also think it puts a lot of pressure on those who know that they love their person but are afraid to express it. 

It also places a lot of distress on the other who is waiting to hear those words being said to them. Despite knowing that their partner has actively shown interest and care in the relationship. 

Comparing your relationship to others or society’s expectations will only make you feel worse. 

By choosing to be worried that your boyfriend hasn’t said I love you in 9 months, you might overlook how he has shown that he loves you. 

2. Ask yourself why hearing your boyfriend say “I love you” is important to you

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Now that you’ve realized, “My boyfriend hasn’t said I love you in 9 months”, instead of worrying ask yourself how this statement makes you feel. 

Why is it important that your boyfriend verbally says “I love you”? Is it because you seek verbal assurance? 

Are you just influenced by societal expectations? Or are you not convinced by his actions that he loves you? 

Our upbringing influences how we expect to be treated by others. Did your parents always say I love you when you were younger? Is that what made you feel secure?  

Be honest and don’t hesitate to dig deep into this question so that you truly understand yourself. 

3. Reflect on the relationship with your boyfriend 

If you’re caught wondering why “My boyfriend hasn’t said I love you in 9 months”, it’s also important to reflect on the relationship. Some questions for you to ponder: 

• How does your boyfriend make you feel in the relationship? 
• In what ways has he shown you that he’s committed to this relationship? 
• Have you discussed plans with him and does he sound excited about them? 

As the old saying goes, actions speak louder than words and if your boyfriend has demonstrated through his actions that he loves you, then I wouldn’t stress over the fact that he hasn’t verbally said it. 

If you’ve addressed these questions truthfully and feel dissatisfied or still believe saying “I love you” is important to you, then be prepared to have an honest conversation with your boyfriend to see if you’re on the same page. 

4. Just say it but don’t expect anything in return 

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Instead of wondering why my boyfriend hasn’t said I love you in 9 months, sometimes we have to take the plunge and say it to them first. 

Again, we shouldn’t let societal expectations dictate our codes for dating and relationships. 

They can act as a guide but you shouldn’t feel obligated to follow them. When we choose to be vulnerable first, we are inviting the other person to see our true selves. 

This might sound daunting, but that’s only because you cannot control how the other person will react. What matters is that you’re being honest with how you feel. 

5. Have an open and honest conversation with your boyfriend 

It’s important to preface that you shouldn’t force your boyfriend to say “I love you”. The only thing you can do is tell him why saying “I love you” is important to you, and see how he responds.  

If it’s more than just saying “I love you” and you’d like to know if he’s committed to building a future life with you, then don’t hesitate to ask. 

Give your boyfriend a chance to explain himself and be ready to actively listen. 

Active listening requires you to maintain eye contact, listen to understand not to argue, and only interrupt when you’re seeking clarification.  

If you find yourself at the end of the discussion with opposing views but are still committed to the relationship, then identify a compromise. 

Remember that you’re both on the same team and must solve this matter together. 

6. Communicate how you both like to give and receive love

Credit: OmarMedinaFilms 

American author, Gary Chapman introduced the 5 Love Languages. It’s a concept to describe the 5 different ways people give and receive love. 

The love languages are acts of service, quality time, words of affirmation, physical touch, and gifts. 

My boyfriend and I took the quiz to identify what is our respective love languages. His is quality time and mine is acts of service. 

This was a breakthrough in our relationship because we understood better what made the other feel most loved. 

You and your boyfriend can take the same quiz to identify your love languages. The results might surprise you. 

Alternatively, if you can already gauge what each other’s love languages are, then this is still a useful resource that can share different ways to communicate them. 

If yours is still words of affirmation, and your boyfriend isn’t comfortable with saying “I love you” yet, then discuss what alternative expressions or compliments your boyfriend has said previously that make you feel loved. 

It’s important that these expressions genuinely make you feel secure enough in this relationship to settle for a compromise that still meets your needs. 

7. Continue building a loving relationship 

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You’d be naive to think that saying “I love you” will be enough to sustain a relationship. Of course, I’m not discrediting how hearing “I love you” from your partner makes you feel. 

But eventually, maintaining that love should be practiced not just through words of affirmation but through small and big acts of kindness. 

American psychologist and relationship expert, John Gottman, refers to this as bids. 

Whether it’s carving out date nights or giving random compliments, when you give these bids to your partner and they reciprocate, then you will feel safer in the relationship. 

Another practice you can try is making it a point to share one thing that your partner did that you are grateful for or going to a licensed therapist.

There’s a misconception that you should only see a therapist when things are bad. But if you have the financial means, you can invest in seeing one to improve your communication skills and prevent serious arguments. 

Perhaps one day you’ll look back and laugh at why you were so worried when you realized my boyfriend hasn’t said I love you in 9 months. 

8. Reassess the relationship 

If you both continue to make a conscious effort to grow this relationship beyond just saying “I love you” and discussions are had about your future, then I would say you both are heading in the right direction. 

However, these signs suggest it’s time to move. They are: 

• He makes invalid excuses for not saying “I love you” or doesn’t attempt to understand your perspective 
• Doesn’t make an effort to improve himself after having the conversation
• They don’t say “I love you” eventually despite knowing that it’s important to you 
• Gradually pulls away from the relationship 

You deserve to be with someone who turns up in the relationship and demonstrates through his words and actions that he wants to be with you.

Frequently Asked Questions 

How long is too long for your boyfriend not to say I love you?

There’s no set timeline for saying those three small but powerful words. Perhaps you might need to say it first. To determine when you’re ready to say them and when your partner might be ready to hear them, observe how he treats you and makes you feel. 

Is 9 months too soon to say I love you?

No timeline really exists. Some consider a couple of months to be enough time while others might think it’s too soon to say it. What matters is that you reflect on the passion, trust, intimacy, and commitment that he shows in this relationship before deciding if you’re ready to say it. 

Conclusion

If your boyfriend hasn’t said I love you in 9 months, I wouldn’t call this a cause for concern. Remember, there is no fixed timeline for saying those three words. 

What matters more to me is how your boyfriend treats you, how he makes you feel, and more importantly, if he’s committed to building a life with you. 

If it’s reassurance that you seek, then have an honest conversation about this matter. If he’s not able to give you what you need now, then decide if you’re willing to wait or move on. All the best!