my boyfriend thinks i don’t love him (here’s why)

You’re hit with the realization that “My boyfriend thinks I don’t love him”. I would imagine you’re feeling confused and upset especially when the signs weren’t so obvious on the surface. 

Don’t be disheartened. Love is not fleeting but rather something that needs to be intentionally maintained in any relationship. 

So if “My boyfriend thinks I don’t love him”, let’s explore what are the possible reasons and what we can do about it. 

Summary 

• 12 reasons why my boyfriend thinks I don’t love him 
• 15 things to do when my boyfriend thinks I don’t love him 
• Conclusion 

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12 Reasons Why My Boyfriend Thinks I Don’t Love Him

You must be wondering “Why does my boyfriend think I don’t love him?”. Here are 12 reasons for you to consider. 

Remember not all of these reasons apply to your relationship so identify which ones you feel resonate with you. 

1. My boyfriend thinks I don’t love him because I don’t express how I feel 

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From your perspective, you feel that you’ve communicated how you feel. However, your boyfriend feels you haven’t provided enough assurance that you love him. 

As individuals, we express our love differently to our partners. What you think is a sufficient show of love might not be the case for your boyfriend. 

It’s this misalignment of expectations that creates conflict between you and your boyfriend. However, this doesn’t necessarily indicate a sign of incompatibility. 

Provided that you discuss how you like to receive love and practice it consistently, you will set your relationship up for success. 

2. My boyfriend thinks I don’t love him because I don’t open up about my past, future goals or dreams 

A similar incident happened between my boyfriend and I. We’re in a long-distance relationship and he wanted to know what I was doing and what my plans were. 

Being used to not needing to explain to someone my plans, I perceived it as him being controlling. 

When I confronted my boyfriend about this, he apologized. He then explained that the reason he wanted to know was because he wanted to feel included in my life. 

Perhaps your boyfriend feels the same way. You’re used to being a listener and you’re normally the one asking your boyfriend questions. 

Or maybe you take a while to open up whereas your boyfriend wears his heart on his sleeve. 

But denying your boyfriend the opportunity to learn more about you makes him feel excluded from your life.

3. My boyfriend thinks I don’t love him because I hesitate to be physically intimate 

The question of when you should have sex with your partner is always up for debate. 

Some would argue as being the next level of intimacy between couples. While others choose to be celibate until they marry due to personal or religious reasons. 

There’s no right or wrong answer to this. What matters is that you both openly discuss where you stand on the matter. 

Why does your boyfriend think being physically intimate is important? What’s holding you back from being physically intimate with your boyfriend? 

Or if you both are physically intimate, what does he need to enhance the sexual experience? Do you feel comfortable doing so? Otherwise, what would be a compromise that satisfies both parties? 

If your boyfriend is understanding, he won’t coerce you into doing something that you’re not ready for. So don’t feel obligated to do so. 

Any sexual relations between you and your partner must be consensual. Being physically intimate isn’t the only expression of love. 

4. we haven’t discussed the status of our relationship 

If you’re wondering why, “My boyfriend thinks I don’t love him”, it could be because you haven’t made it clear that you’re both in an exclusive relationship. 

This applies to couples who are in the early stages of their relationship. From your perspective, your actions make it clear that you’re not seeing anyone else and that you love him. 

However, your boyfriend needs to be verbally told that you love him and you’re not seeing anyone else to be assured. 

5. My boyfriend thinks I don’t love him because i don’t take initiative

You’ve always been on the receiving end of your boyfriend’s affections, but have you looked back and thought about how much you’ve been giving in the relationship? 

I don’t mean this in a financial or physical sense but rather in an emotional sense. 

American psychologist and relationship expert, John Gottman has argued that the reason couples lose connection is because of a lack of bids. 

These refer to consistent acts of kindness that we give to our partners. 

It could be something small like wishing them a good day at work, embracing them when they return home, or something big like scheduling monthly date nights. 

When our partner turns towards these bids openly, this strengthens the relationship. 

So how have you shown your partner you love him? If you’ve not given sufficient “bids” in the relationship, then this might signal to your boyfriend that you don’t love him. 

6. my boyfriend thinks I don’t love him because I’m not fully present when I’m with him 

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Another reason why “My boyfriend thinks I don’t love him anymore” is because you’re not fully present when you’re with him. 

In the previous point, I suggested that the reason your boyfriend thinks you don’t love him is because you’re not offering enough bids. 

But in this case, the reason he thinks you don’t love him is because you’ve not been receiving these bids, or as John Gottman calls it you’re turning away from these bids. 

For example, your boyfriend has planned a date night. Instead of spending time talking to each other, you’re replying to text messages on your phone. 

Or you’re so preoccupied with your work-related matters, that you didn’t pause to greet and hug him after he came back from a long day. 

Neglecting these small acts and not considering your boyfriend’s feelings is what’s pushing him to think that you don’t love him. 

7. My boyfriend thinks I don’t love him because his needs aren’t met 

Based on the points mentioned above, it’s clear that the reason your boyfriend thinks you don’t love him is because his emotional needs aren’t met. 

Love isn’t a feeling but a verb and if you haven’t been making an effort to sustain the relationship, then it’s probably why your boyfriend thinks you don’t love him. 

8. i prioritize my other relationships over him 

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There’s nothing wrong with making time for your friends or your family. It’s highly encouraged even to live a more fulfilling life. 

We shouldn’t enable our relationship to completely consume our lives. However, we shouldn’t completely neglect it either. 

“My boyfriend thinks I don’t love him” because he thinks you’re not spending enough time with him. 

Our natural reaction is to defend ourselves and list down all the times we have made an effort.

However, perhaps your boyfriend feels it isn’t sufficient so you both need to sit down and discuss a healthy compromise that both parties are pleased with. 

9. I don’t post him on social media 

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Have you heard of the hard launch? It’s when someone posts on their Instagram or other social media platforms a photo of their partner confirming their relationship status to their followers. 

Some couples feel this is an important step in their relationship because it means that you’re both serious about each other and that you’re not ashamed to tell everyone that you’re together. 

Posting your boyfriend on social media might not be a big deal to you but it might be for your boyfriend. 

10. my boyfriend thinks I don’t love him because He suffers from insecurities 

The reason “My boyfriend thinks I don’t love him” might not have anything to do with you. 

Your boyfriend could be projecting his insecurities onto this relationship. Regardless of how much effort or reassurance you’ve provided, he still thinks you don’t love him. 

This reflects a lack of self-worth and an inability to believe that he’s capable of being loved by someone. 

The rationale for this thinking could stem from his childhood, bad experiences in school, or previous relationships. 

If this is the case, then you need to be patient and discuss with him where his feelings are coming from. 

11. My boyfriend thinks I don’t love him because I show contempt when I’m with him 

Contempt refers to a feeling of dislike or disdain for someone and it’s often shown through subtle facial expressions. 

It also refers to feeling superior to the other person and making them feel inferior. 

Did your boyfriend say something that annoyed you? Or do you feel irritated rather than smitten by his sense of humor? 

Contempt stems from feeling underappreciated or unacknowledged in the relationship. 

Perhaps there are rooted disagreements that have yet to be addressed with your partner and it’s beginning to appear in your behavior. 

You’ve chosen to project an image that you love him while suppressing these issues but your boyfriend can see right through it and subsequently thinks you don’t love him. 

This doesn’t necessarily signal the end of the relationship, it is just a call to reexamine your feelings and to discuss this openly with your boyfriend. 

12. I avoid the difficult conversations when I’m with him

Your boyfriend wants to discuss moving forward like marriage, where you’d envision settling down, and if you’d like to have kids in the future. 

If he initiates these conversations, chances are he’s serious about planning a future with you. 

However, you have reservations and the idea of marriage overwhelms you to the point of fear. 

If you find yourself in this situation, then the reason “My boyfriend thinks I don’t love him” is because it shows that you’re not as serious about building a future with him. 

Just because you’re not ready now, doesn’t mean you’ll ever be ready. Only you can decide and overcome what’s holding you back. 

What Do I Do When My Boyfriend Thinks I Don’t Love Him 

Now that you’ve gone through the possible reasons, here’s a guide on what to do when your boyfriend thinks you don’t love him. 

If there’s one thing you need to take away from this is to have an honest conversation with your partner. 

The rest are suggestions that you can consider if it’s relevant to your relationship. 

1. Reflect on how you feel towards the relationship 

Reflect on how you feel about this relationship. Ask yourself if there’s any truth to the statement, “My boyfriend thinks I don’t love him”.  

Sometimes we don’t want to be confronted with the truth because it makes us feel uncomfortable. 

Make sure you’re in a calm state when looking inward. If your boyfriend’s suspicions are true, explore why you feel this way. 

Is it because your needs are neglected in the relationship? Is it because you don’t feel safe in the relationship? 

Take your time to explore and understand your feelings. Then decide how you want to move forward i.e. whether you want to end the relationship or work with your boyfriend to improve it. 

2. Initiate the conversation 

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Now that you’ve gathered your thoughts, initiate the conversation with your boyfriend. Inform him that the purpose of this conversation is to understand why he thinks you don’t love him. 

Schedule a time when you’re both free and in an environment where you’re both calm. You both must hold space for each other to be open and honest. 

3. Ask him why he thinks you don’t love him 

This would be a good time for him to explain why “My boyfriend thinks I don’t love him”. Before entering this conversation, it’s important to remind yourself what is its purpose. 

You want to understand why your boyfriend thinks you don’t love him. 

This means you shouldn’t enter the conversation looking to defend your actions or put the blame on anyone. 

Rather you’re hoping to gain clarity on your boyfriend’s feelings and identify how to resolve the matter. 

If he gives surface-level answers, probe further so that you can get to the root cause of his feelings. 

4. Listen empathetically

One way to show your boyfriend that you want to understand him is by being an empathetic listener. 

Empathy refers to the ability to understand people’s emotions, to see things from their point of view, and to imagine yourself in their position. 

You can practice empathy by listening intently to what your boyfriend is communicating. 

This means maintaining eye contact, nodding when you’ve understood, and only interrupting to clarify their points. 

I want to emphasize again that the purpose of listening is not to argue but rather to understand how your boyfriend is feeling. 

Once your boyfriend has explained why he thinks you don’t love him, you can summarise what he’s said so that you’re both on the same page. 

Another way to reframe the conversation is to go in thinking that this isn’t a debate but rather a discussion. 

5. Explain your side of things 

If there is something you want to get off your chest. For instance, if you want to explain why you don’t share your plans or why you don’t post on social media, don’t hesitate to tell him. 

While it’s important to be understanding, you should also be honest and explain to your boyfriend why you behave the way you do. 

If you’ve been feeling contemptuous or annoyed at your partner, it usually indicates that you’re not being seen or appreciated by him. It’s important to explain why you feel this way. 

This is where your inward reflection comes in handy as you’re able to reference these points when explaining to your boyfriend. 

Again, your boyfriend should hold space for you to be honest and ensure that it’s just as safe a place to be vulnerable. 

6. Discuss how you both like to be loved 

Now that you’ve gained clarity over why “My boyfriend thinks I don’t love him”, the next step is to identify how to resolve this matter together. 

If you’re both committed to building a close and fulfilling relationship, discuss how you both like to be loved or cared for. Remember, as individuals, we like to receive love differently. 

For instance, my boyfriend feels loved when we spend quality time together whereas I feel loved when he takes the initiative to perform a service like washing the dishes. 

If it’s words of affirmation your boyfriend seeks, then don’t hesitate to shower him with compliments and reassurance. 

A tool you could use to determine how you both like to receive love is by referring to Dr. Gary Chapman’s Love Languages. 

It explains that there are five ways couples like to receive affection and there’s a quiz to determine which one is their top love language. 

If you want to emotionally connect more with your partner, think about what you need from your boyfriend so that you feel safe enough to be vulnerable. 

7. Assert boundaries and compromise 

While it’s important to honor your boyfriend’s needs, you should also maintain your boundaries. 

Boundaries refer to rules of engagement that make you feel safe. They’re the lines we draw for ourselves so that we can maintain a level of comfort around others. 

There are many types of boundaries including physical, emotional, and sexual boundaries. 

For instance, if your partner wants to be more physically intimate but it comes at the cost of your discomfort, that’s a sign that he’s overstepping your boundaries. 

At this point, you should be clear that you’re not comfortable and or not ready.  

Another matter to consider when having this conversation is addressing compromise. American self-help author Mark Manson gives a good definition of what a good compromise is. 

Compromise isn’t about making everyone happy but making sure no one is miserable. This doesn’t mean we should sacrifice everything to make our partners happy. 

It’s about deciding together what you both are willing to sacrifice personally so that you’ll gain more happiness in the relationship. 

With that, discuss what changes or acts you are both willing to make that will contribute to the long-term happiness of this relationship. 

8. Spend quality time together 

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As mentioned earlier, John Gottman says the key to a successful relationship is when two people continuously make bids for connection and turn towards their partner’s bids. 

One way you can form a closer relationship is by spending quality time together. You can schedule a date night or plan an activity together. 

Eliminate any distractions like switching your phone on airplane mode so that you’re both fully present. 

9. Offer him verbal assurance 

Besides the obvious thanking your boyfriend whenever he compliments you or does something thoughtful, you can also start a gratitude practice. 

For instance, at the end of the day, you can share what you’re grateful for and if your partner has done something kind, you can take this opportunity to thank them as a show of gratitude. 

Specifying why you appreciate your boyfriend will make him feel truly seen and hopefully make him feel more loved. 

10. Write to each other 

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Another way to eliminate the notion that “My boyfriend thinks I don’t love him” is by giving hand-written notes to each other. 

I find it more meaningful when I receive a hand-written birthday card over a present. It indicates that the person put more thought into it. 

This could be something you and your boyfriend could practice not just during your birthday but other special occasions like Valentine’s Day or your anniversary. 

Alternatively, you could leave each other Post-It notes if you live together or send good morning text messages at the start of the day. 

The point is to express your love through other mediums and see if that makes you both feel more appreciated. 

11. Experiment in the bedroom 

If you’re both physically intimate, why not find ways to enhance the experience? There are many ways you can do this. 

Sex and intimacy coach, Hannah Deindorfer recommends several suggestions to help reach climax with your partner. 

Some suggestions include choosing to have sex when you’re both calm (not at the end of the day when you’re tired), cleaning up the room so it’s tidy, and building emotional connection by asking each other how your day was, cuddling, and kissing. 

Reframing having sex as an opportunity to improve emotional intimacy and a chance to have fun will subsequently make you both feel closer. 

12. Encourage him to seek professional help 

As mentioned earlier, the reason “My boyfriend thinks I don’t love him” could be due to his lack of self-worth. 

If he’s admitted that he has insecurities that are preventing him from receiving your love and affection, don’t judge him. Instead, thank him for his vulnerability as something like that isn’t easy to admit. 

You can then encourage him to seek a licensed therapist or counselor to help him navigate these issues and offer him support. 

There’s only so much you can do as his girlfriend, but the internal work towards self-improvement should come from his willingness. 

13. Speak to a relationship counselor 

If you both are struggling to navigate this matter on your own but still want to make it work, then you can speak to a licensed couples therapist to assist you. 

A third-party observer can help you offer a different perspective and the tools needed to improve your communication and relationship overall. 

If intimacy in the bedroom is what you’re struggling with, then you can also seek help from a relationship coach who specializes in sex and intimacy. 

There’s a lot of taboo surrounding this matter. 

However, we shouldn’t feel ashamed to talk about these things, especially if the outcome of these conversations is more clarity and insight on how to improve our sex lives. 

14. Reassess the relationship 

Give yourself 3 to 6 months to see how the relationship has fared after implementing these strategies for improvement. 

Do you both feel more secure in the relationship? Does it feel like work loving and caring for each other? 

If you find yourself feeling good and you enjoy the work you’ve put in to improve this relationship, then well done! 

However, if you still feel like something’s not right or there hasn’t been any change from the last conversation, then decide if you still want to persist or end the relationship. 

It’s not an easy decision to make so be compassionate with yourself and know that what matters is that you make one that feels right for you. 

15. Break up as an option 

This a tough option to consider but it’s worth ending the relationship if the following scenarios occur: 

• He doesn’t respect your feelings 
• He still pressures you to do things you don’t feel comfortable doing to prove that you love him 
• He refuses to improve his behavior and blames you for how he feels 

Maintaining a relationship requires the effort of both parties and it would be unfair on you if your boyfriend expects you to improve when he doesn’t do the same.

Conclusion 

When you find yourself in a situation where “My boyfriend thinks I don’t love him”, it can conjure up feelings of guilt, intrigue, and eventually self-doubt. 

Your feelings are valid and you’re allowed to sit with them. 

If there’s any truth to that statement, ask yourself if you want to move on or work on repairing the emotional connection with your boyfriend. 

Loving someone is a choice and you have the power to decide how to navigate this relationship. All the best!