Your girlfriend is your confidant. Someone who you share everything with so it must be upsetting when you realize “My girlfriend doesn’t share her problems with me”.
I had a similar experience with my partner when we started dating. There were a couple of reasons why I didn’t share my problems with him.
One reason is because I was worried that he would react differently if I shared them and secondly, I didn’t think he would be interested.
Fortunately, when I did eventually open up to my partner, he didn’t look at me differently and he appreciated the fact that I shared my problems because it made him feel included in my life.
Your girlfriend might share similar sentiments but of course, these aren’t the only ones. Read on further if you’d like to know the other reasons why your girlfriend doesn’t share her problems and what to do about it.
Summary
- 11 reasons why my girlfriend doesn’t share her problems
- 12 things to do when my girlfriend doesn’t share her problems
- Frequently asked questions
- How do you convince a girl to share her problems?
- Why won’t she share her feelings?
- Conclusion
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IN A HURRY? HERE ARE THE KEY TAKEAWAYS
- Your girlfriend not sharing her problems with you could be due to personal reasons
- But the only way to know is by confronting her about it kindly
- Be empathetic and actively listen when she explains why she doesn’t share her problems with you
- Ask her how she’d like to be supported and continuously reassure her that you’re there for her
- Foster a friendship between you and your girlfriend so that she will feel more comfortable confiding in you
- Be patient and embrace the journey of lowering your girlfriend’s walls
- If you both are struggling but still want to make this work, consider seeking professional help from a licensed therapist or couples counselor
11 Reasons Why My Girlfriend Doesn’t Share Her Problems
Don’t be disheartened if you’re thinking my girlfriend doesn’t share her problems. It’s so easy for us to get caught up in assumptions. The best thing you can do is communicate with your girlfriend about how this makes you feel.
However, let’s look at some possible reasons. Remember, not all these reasons apply to your relationship so only consider those that speak to you.
1. She’s not used to confiding in someone
Do you consider your girlfriend an independent person? Or do you consider her a private person? Perhaps my girlfriend doesn’t share her problems because she’s not used to doing so.
Instead, she deals with her problems on her own and doesn’t like asking for help or advice. If this is the case, then you shouldn’t take it personally as this is who she is.
It takes time for someone like your girlfriend to open up about her problems when she’s always been someone who just keeps her problems to herself and then gets on with it.
2. She doesn’t know how to
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This relates to the first point. A possible reason why my girlfriend doesn’t share her problems is that she doesn’t know how to.
If your girlfriend is independent or has never been in a relationship, it could be that she doesn’t know how to express herself and share her problems with someone.
It could be that she wants to but doesn’t know how to bring it up. By building a safe and loving relationship, she will eventually be comfortable enough to share her problems. But it will also require patience.
3. She doesn’t want to bother you
You could say my girlfriend doesn’t share her problems because she doesn’t want to bother you. Perhaps she thinks you’re busy or that you have a lot on your plate.
The last thing she wants to do is worry you or burden you with her problems. Or maybe you have given her the impression that you can’t listen to her rant.
Either way, it could be that your girlfriend wants to tell you her problems but doesn’t want to bother you with them.
4. She has trust issues
“My girlfriend doesn’t share her problems with me because she has trust issues” is another possible response. People’s behavior is shaped by experiences and interactions.
Perhaps your girlfriend did confide in someone before like a good friend or ex-boyfriend only for them to break her trust by sharing it with others.
This was probably a traumatic experience for her and as a result, she’s chosen to not share her problems with anyone including you.
5. She prefers to confide in her friends
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Another reason my girlfriend won’t tell me her problems is because she would rather confide in her friends.
This doesn’t mean she doesn’t trust you. Rather, she feels that there are certain things she can only share with her friends because they’re able to relate to her in a way that you might not be able to.
6. She doesn’t want to appear vulnerable
Often, when someone is struggling, they would rather hide it than be honest about their struggles. This is because people associate struggling with being weak.
Your girlfriend might be feeling this way. She doesn’t want to tell you her problems because she doesn’t want to appear vulnerable. Perhaps she feels shameful and isn’t ready to tell you her problems.
7. She doesn’t feel comfortable sharing with you
Concerning the previous point, if you’re wondering why my girlfriend doesn’t share her problems, it could be that she doesn’t feel comfortable enough to share them with you.
To re-emphasize, people associate their struggles with negative feelings such as shame, guilt, and anxiety. So it takes a lot of courage for someone to share their problems.
Your girlfriend might not feel comfortable sharing with you because emotional safety has not been created in this relationship for her to confide in you.
Emotional safety means feeling secure enough to express yourself with someone and show up as your most authentic self. Several factors contribute to emotional safety, but let’s identify the factors that disrupt it.
8. You invalidate her feelings
Invalidating her feelings is not how you build emotional safety and a reason why your girlfriend might not want to tell you her problems. Perhaps she’s previously shared something that happened to her at work.
Your response was “Oh, doesn’t sound like a big deal”. Even if you intended to make her feel better or it was said as a passing comment, responses like this can make her feel like you’re invalidating her feelings.
She just needs someone to listen to her rant not unsolicited remarks or solutions. Because you’ve not responded in a way that makes her feel safe, she chooses to keep her problems to herself.
9. She thinks you won’t understand
Another reason my girlfriend doesn’t share her problems and how not to build emotional safety is not understanding.
There will be times when we won’t be able to relate to our partner’s struggles. This doesn’t mean we can’t be there to offer support. One way we can offer support is by being empathetic.
Empathy refers to the ability to emotionally understand what people feel and to try and see things from their point of view. It’s about putting yourself in their shoes and trying to feel what they’re feeling.
Practicing empathy will make the person feel heard and less alone in their struggles. If this isn’t being practiced in your relationship, then this could be why your girlfriend doesn’t want to tell you her problems.
10. She’s worried about how you’ll react
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It takes time for some people to open up to their partner’s about their problems including myself. One of the reasons why I initially didn’t share my problems with my boyfriend was because I had a fear of his reaction.
I was worried that my partner would judge me and look at me differently. I later learned that such concerns are rooted in a fear of rejection. My fear of rejection was holding me back from showing up as my authentic self.
Your girlfriend might share these same concerns which explains why she doesn’t share her problems.
11. She doesn’t know how this makes you feel
A possible reason why my girlfriend doesn’t tell me her problems is she simply doesn’t know how this makes you feel.
When my partner and I began dating, I assumed that he wasn’t interested in hearing my problems. From my perspective, I didn’t think it was important to share my problems with him.
After conversing with my partner, I learned that he wanted to know my problems because it made him feel included in my life.
Perhaps you’re in a similar situation with your girlfriend. She probably doesn’t realize how this is affecting you and doesn’t know how important it is for her to share her problems.
It’s these beliefs and unaligned expectations that have resulted in the lack of communication over her problems.
12 Things To Do When My Girlfriend Doesn’t Share Her Problems
Now that we’ve identified the possible reasons, let’s see how we can confront your girlfriend about this matter as kindly as possible.
1. Identify what’s bothering you
Before confronting your girlfriend, it’s important to identify what’s truly bothering you. How does it make you feel when your girlfriend doesn’t share her problems with you?
Do you feel hurt or upset? Why do you feel this way? It is because it makes you feel like she can’t trust you or that it makes you feel like you’re not part of her life?
By getting to the root cause of your emotions, it will be easier for you to pinpoint what your issue is with this matter.
Also, sharing why you’re upset when she doesn’t share her problems will help your girlfriend understand you.
Identify what behavior is acceptable and what assurance you’re seeking from your partner so that your needs are met.
2. Self-reflect
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Take this alone time to also reflect on your behavior. Consider in what ways have you contributed to “my girlfriend doesn’t share her problems”.
Can you recall how you reacted when she shared her problems once? Did you judge her or dismiss her feelings when she brought up her challenges?
Don’t be hard on yourself if you discover any uncomfortable truths. I’m always hard on myself when I learn that my actions have upset my boyfriend.
But I’m learning that what matters is that we learn from our past behavior and identify how we can be better for ourselves and our partners.
3. Bring up your concerns
Once you’ve gathered your thoughts, initiate the conversation. Be sure to pick a time when you’re both calm then raise your concerns with your girlfriend.
You must use “I statements” rather than “You statements”. Using “You statements” will make you sound accusatory.
For example, statements like “You don’t share your problems with me” or “Why don’t you tell me your problems” sound like blanket statements.
They sound like a judgment on the person’s character rather than feedback on their specific actions. Your girlfriend will want to defend herself rather than have a meaningful conversation which isn’t good for the relationship.
Meanwhile, “I statements” focus on how the person’s actions make you feel. Examples include:
“I feel hurt when you don’t share with me your problems at work because I don’t feel unincluded in your life” or “I want to be there for you when you’re going through a difficult time so it makes me feel sad when you don’t tell me your problems”.
Hopefully, this approach will make your girlfriend see things from your perspective and give you a chance to share how she can make you feel more secure in the relationship.
4. Be empathetic
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It’s crucial to practice empathy when having these conversations. One way to practice empathy is by actively listening. Usually when someone is speaking, we are quick to respond or provide solutions.
However, we must listen to understand rather than react. You can practice active listening by:
- Maintaining eye contact and nodding when she’s speaking
- Interrupt her only to seek clarification
- Summarise her points
Showing her that you can be empathetic will make her feel comfortable in confiding her problems with you.
5. Ask her how she likes to be consoled
Another thing you can do when my girlfriend doesn’t share her problems is ask her how she likes to be consoled.
This will invite her to be honest and share how she would like to be supported.
6. Offer reassurance
If your girlfriend is worried about how you’ll react when she shares her problems, reassure her that you won’t judge her or look at her differently. You should mean it as well when you offer this reassurance.
Another way to reassure her is to fulfill her needs. If she’s shared with you how she likes to be consoled, honor those needs. The goal is to build her trust so that she feels safe enough to share her problems with you.
7. Don’t interfere with her problems
If she does share her problems with you, don’t interfere. Normally, we want to get involved because we want to alleviate our partner’s burden.
However, if your girlfriend hasn’t specifically asked for your help, then we shouldn’t try and be a hero. The best thing we can do in this scenario is offer emotional support.
8. Don’t force her to confide in you
Avoid forcing your girlfriend to confide in you. We should respect her feelings if she’s not ready to share her problems or if she’d rather handle her problems on her own.
She might feel overwhelmed and even more reluctant to tell you her problems if you keep forcing her to. You cannot control how your partner behaves, you can only control how you respond to it.
9. Be patient
One way you can respond to this is by being patient with her. Again, she might not be used to confiding in someone about her problems. If she’s told you that she needs time to open up, then we should hope that she will come around.
Set an internal timeline to observe her behavior rather than jump to conclusions. It takes time to build trust and grow your relationship. If you see no progress by the end of your timeline, then you need to reassess how you’d like to move forward.
10. Work on yourself
As mentioned earlier, we cannot force our partner to change. So in the meantime, we should continue to work on ourselves.
Continue learning how you can be a better communicator and listener, and apply it in your daily interactions.
Work on being a better partner by making small bids for connection. This doesn’t mean making grand romantic gestures but it could be small acts of kindness such as giving your girlfriend a hug after a long day or congratulating her on her small achievements.
These actions will not only make you feel good but also reassure your girlfriend that you’re someone she can lean on.
11. Be her friend
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Another way to build trust with your girlfriend is to be her friend. Friendship is an important component of a relationship.
Friendship is a support system where friends can express themselves without judgment. It’s also where you can receive feedback that comes from a kind place.
You can cultivate this friendship by spending quality time together. Ask each other questions to build a curious mindset i.e. how she likes to be comforted, how she handles challenges, etc.
You can do a fun activity together or stay at home and cook a meal. The goal is to continue building strong foundations for your relationship and gradually make your girlfriend feel comfortable enough to share her problems with you.
12. See a licensed therapist or couple’s counselor
If she’s struggling with intimacy issues yet wants to make it work, consider seeing a licensed therapist or couple’s counselor.
Having a third party around to help navigate this challenge might make it less overwhelming for your girlfriend. A therapist can offer a different perspective and steer your relationship in the right direction.
Frequently Asked Questions
How do you convince a girl to share her problems?
Tell her that you’re there for her if she ever wants to share, and hope she does. As mentioned earlier, you’ll push her away if you try to force her problems out of her. You can’t change a person and if you cannot tolerate this behavior, then it’s either you adapt or walk away.
Why won’t she share her feelings?
They don’t feel safe, in general, opening up. They might have been betrayed, shamed, or hurt when they opened up previously. Or they’re reluctant to share because they don’t want to be controlled by you. The only way to find out is by asking your girlfriend directly.
Conclusion
It’s not nice when you realize “My girlfriend doesn’t share her problems”. It makes you feel like she doesn’t trust you which is an essential component for a strong relationship.
There are plenty of reasons why she won’t tell you her problems but rather than speculate, it’s best that you confront her about it before it becomes a growing problem. All the best!