You’ve found the woman of your dreams but are hurt when you realize “My girlfriend doesn’t want to get married”.
Personally, marriage is a topic of conversation that frightens me. My two fears about marriage are that I would give up my independence and, that I would fade out of love with my partner and feel trapped.
However, after extensive reading and reflection, I learned that to overcome these two fears is to have the awareness that I can choose how my life is going.
I learned that I can be in a relationship and have my independence. Just because I’m in a relationship doesn’t mean I have to neglect the other areas of my life that make me feel whole.
It’s just a matter of how I choose to reorient my life so that I have time for both my marriage and my own pursuits be it my job, hobbies, and other relationships.
Being in a relationship is a choice, not just a feeling. So long as we are both committed to doing the work to achieve a fulfilling partnership, then we stand a better chance of sustaining that love.
Your girlfriend might have similar feelings and this is what’s stopping her from getting married. But the only way to know for sure is to have an open and honest conversation with her.
Read on if you’d like to know why your girlfriend doesn’t want to get married and what to do about it!
Summary
- 10 reasons why my girlfriend doesn’t want to get married
- 9 things to do when my girlfriend doesn’t want to get married
- Frequently asked questions
- Should you stay with someone who doesn’t want to marry you?
- Is it OK to be in a relationship and never get married?
- Conclusion
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10 Reasons Why my Girlfriend Doesn’t Want To Get Married
There are several reasons why your girlfriend doesn’t want to get married. However, not all of these reasons are relevant to your situation. Be mindful of this when reading them below and only highlight which ones speak to you.
1. my girlfriend doesn’t want to get married because She’s afraid of commitment
One of the reasons your girlfriend doesn’t want to get married is because she’s afraid of commitment. A marriage is a contractual relationship recognized by law. Entering a marriage can be fulfilling yet it also can be equally challenging.
You must actively choose to maintain a connection with your partner, communicate your needs, and resolve the conflict together. This might sound overwhelming for your girlfriend and may put her off the idea of marriage.
2. my girlfriend doesn’t want to get married because She values her independence too much
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Is this your girlfriend’s first relationship? Does she make it clear that she’s independent? Does she struggle with asking for help?
Your girlfriend doesn’t want to get married because she values her independence too much. She’s so used to living and making decisions on her own, and doing things a particular way.
Of course, being married doesn’t mean you completely lose your independence. You will still be able to develop a sense of self. However, it does mean you need to make some decisions with your partner in mind and make certain compromises.
Your girlfriend might not be ready to do this because she values her independence too much.
3. my girlfriend doesn’t want to get married because She’s worried about what she’ll lose
This ties into the second point on your girlfriend doesn’t want to get married. Often, many people talk about what you gain in marriage. This article raises an important question: what is lost when marriage becomes the most central relationship in a culture?
Marriage comes at a cost. For instance, according to a study by Natalia Sarkisian of Boston College and Naomi Gerstel of the University of Massachusetts, marriage weakens other social ties.
This means that married couples are less likely to stay in touch with their family or hang out with their friends. Married couples become more isolated especially when they don’t have children because they’re focused on maintaining their relationship.
Perhaps your girlfriend doesn’t want to get married because she’s concerned she will lose touch with her friends and family.
4. my girlfriend doesn’t want to get married because She has different priorities
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Just because your girlfriend doesn’t want to get married now, doesn’t mean she doesn’t want to get married later.
Perhaps your girlfriend has different priorities currently such as establishing her career or reaching a certain financial goal. She wants to ensure these goals are achieved before she considers settling down.
5. my girlfriend doesn’t want to get married because She doesn’t believe in marriage
Marriage’s primary purpose was to bind women to men and make women a man’s property.
The concept of marriage positioned men as being more than or superior to women. For example, men were seen as heads of families, and women had to give up their last name and replace it with their husbands.
The concept of marriage has changed over time and there is discourse that encourages married couples to work together and treat each other as equals.
However, perhaps your girlfriend doesn’t want to get married because she doesn’t want to be part of an institution where its origins are rooted in ideas of ownership, maintaining the patriarchy, and, government control.
Instead, she believes it isn’t required to maintain a strong partnership.
6. my girlfriend doesn’t want to get married because She has a negative perception of marriage
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Perhaps your girlfriend doesn’t want to get married because she has a negative perception of it. This perception could be shaped by several factors.
Did her parents go through an ugly divorce? Or were they unhappily married? There have been studies that suggest children raised in divorced families have less positive attitudes towards marriage.
It could also be that your girlfriend has witnessed a lot of marriages that end in divorce or that she knows couples who are unhappily married. This can all form a negative impression of marriage.
7. my girlfriend doesn’t want to get married because She has trust issues
Have you done something in the past that has made her reconsider taking the next step? Perhaps your girlfriend doesn’t want to get married because she doesn’t trust you. She has doubts over whether you can be a good husband.
8. my girlfriend doesn’t want to get married because She lacks reassurance
Related to the previous point, your girlfriend doesn’t want to get married because she lacks reassurance from you. You’ve not given her the assurance or support she needs to make her feel confident enough to move forward with marriage.
9. my girlfriend doesn’t want to get married because Important concerns have not been addressed
If your girlfriend lacks trust and reassurance to move forward with this relationship, it probably means that you both haven’t sat down and addressed important concerns.
Some questions to consider:
- What are her needs that must be fulfilled to proceed with the marriage?
- What are her values and do they align with yours?
- Are there any financial concerns you would like to address?
- How will you delegate the housework?
- Would she like to raise a family?
- How can you support each other when you’re both building a career?
If you’ve yet to address these matters together, then it’s justified why your girlfriend doesn’t want to get married. Not addressing her concerns probably makes her feel anxious and hesitant to get married.
10. She can’t see a future with you
This is a tough reason to consider but there’s a possibility that the reason your girlfriend doesn’t want to get married is because she simply cannot see herself being married to you.
If you need to constantly convince her to marry you, then chances are her heart isn’t really in this relationship. You should be with someone who is just as excited as you are to build a life with.
9 Things To Do When Your Girlfriend Doesn’t Want To Get Married
1. Accept feelings and self-reflect
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You’re probably feeling hurt and upset over the realization that “My girlfriend doesn’t want to get married but I do”. Your feelings are valid so take a moment to sit with it before moving on to practical solutions.
You may journal your feelings or exercise to make you feel calm. Once you’ve settled down, ask yourself how you’d like to proceed with this relationship.
Some couples choose not to marry and still end up having a fulfilling relationship. Are you willing to not get married if your girlfriend doesn’t want to?
If not, then why is marriage important to you? Is it because of cultural or religious reasons? Identify your reasons and be clear about where you stand with marriage.
Take a moment to understand the root cause of your emotions. Why are you upset that your girlfriend doesn’t want to get married? Is it because you feel she isn’t serious about you? Having this awareness will help you understand why marriage is important to you.
2. Initiate the conversation
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When you’re ready, initiate the conversation with your girlfriend. Set a time and date when you’re both calm.
Inform her of the purpose of the conversation and assure her that you don’t intend to start an argument but rather a discussion to help you understand why she doesn’t want to get married.
3. Practise empathy
Before you explain why you want to get married, have her speak first. Remember, the point of this discussion is to understand why your girlfriend doesn’t want to get married.
To understand your girlfriend means practicing empathy. Empathy means the ability to sense people’s emotions and to imagine what they might be thinking or feeling.
This is a big topic of discussion and your girlfriend probably feels just as anxious and nervous as you are. So it’s important to be empathetic when she’s sharing her feelings. Practicing empathy will hopefully make her feel safe and confident enough to be honest with you.
4. Listen without judgment
Listening without judgment is one way to practice empathy. Often, people listen to argue or propose solutions. But to understand your girlfriend, you need to just be present and listen to what she has to say.
Stay calm and focused when your girlfriend speaks. Pause if you start feeling anxious and return to the conversation when you’re calm again.
You should only interrupt if you need her to clarify something. Once she’s done speaking, try to summarise her points so that she can correct and confirm your understanding.
Remember the objective of this conversation is to understand why your girlfriend doesn’t want to get married.
5. Think things through
Take a moment to process what she’s said. If it’s clear you both have very differing views on marriage, then you need to ask yourself if you’re willing to compromise and not get married to be with her.
If she does want to get married but certain needs haven’t been met, then think about how you can meet those needs.
6. Identify solutions together
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As mentioned in the previous point, if she doesn’t want to get married because certain needs haven’t been met, discuss what you can do together to ensure they are met. Identify her concerns and work out what you can do to address those concerns.
7. Identify common goals
One way to offer reassurance for both you and your girlfriend is to identify common goals. For example, your girlfriend doesn’t want to get married because of financial concerns.
Establish a common savings goal and identify what you both are saving for i.e. a wedding, a mortgage, or a holiday.
You can even identify common goals that can help strengthen your relationship. For example, planning a date night or doing an activity together.
If she’s worried that she won’t have any time for her friends and family when she gets married, let her know that she can always schedule meet-ups with them if they mean that much to her.
Reassure her that you’re willing to put in the effort to make this relationship work.
8. Establish a timeline
After identifying your goals, the next step would be establishing a timeline for getting married. Choose a time that feels comfortable for both you and your girlfriend.
The objective of this is so that you both feel like you’re getting what you need out of this relationship. It’s also to make it clear that you’re both on the same page and headed in the right direction together.
9. Seek advice
If you both are feeling overwhelmed, don’t hesitate to seek advice from married couples you know. Marriage is difficult and requires a lot of work. Ask them what they did before they took the next step towards marriage.
Speak to a couples counselor or therapist if you can afford one to help navigate this transition. Hopefully, this will ease your burden and set you both on a good path.
10. Consider breaking up as an option
If you both have differing views on marriage and neither of you is willing to compromise, then you should end the relationship.
If marriage is truly important to you for whatever reason, then you should be with someone who also wants a marriage. Otherwise, you will end up resenting your girlfriend in the long run.
If she keeps coming up with excuses and you’ve tried to make it work, then this is also a valid reason to break up. There’s no point chasing someone who isn’t as excited as you about making plans and starting a future together.
Frequently Asked Questions
Should you stay with someone who doesn’t want to marry you?
This depends on the situation but talking with someone who has experience on the topic may help bridge the gap. You don’t have to break up immediately if your girlfriend doesn’t want to get married. Instead, there are things you can both do to work towards a more strong relationship. But waiting around forever isn’t advisable.
What makes someone not want to get married?
Legally binding yourself to another can sound scary for those who struggle to sustain healthy relationships. Also, some people may have seen a lot of failed marriages around them such as their parents so this might make marriage look less exciting.
Conclusion
Marriage is often the next step in a long-term relationship. However, some people don’t believe in marriage and are comfortable with the current arrangement.
If you and your girlfriend aren’t in alignment with how to move forward, then be ready to have an honest conversation with her about this. Hopefully, you both will arrive at an outcome that is favorable for both of you. All the best!