You’re getting to know your partner and it’s dawned on you that your girlfriend is lazy. She doesn’t cook or clean, nor does she contribute to the household financially. She doesn’t get enthusiastic about plans and she would rather stay at home.
Such behavior does warrant concern but before we jump the gun, it’s important to take a step back, assess the relationship, and have an honest conversation with your girlfriend.
This article will explain what to do when your girlfriend is lazy.
Summary
- 15 things to do when your girlfriend is lazy
- Frequently asked questions
- How do I deal with a low-energy girlfriend?
- How does laziness affect relationships?
- Conclusion
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DISCLOSURE
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IN A HURRY? HERE ARE THE KEY TAKEAWAYS
- Is your girlfriend lazy or is she behaving in a manner that’s not meeting your expectations?
- Reflect on what you’re looking for in a partner and compare it against your girlfriend
- Specify what behavior is bothering you before you bring this up with your girlfriend
- Use “I statement” rather than “You statements” so that you’re focusing on how her behavior makes you feel rather than passing judgment on her
- If you’ve both agreed to resolve the matter, work together to identify solutions
- If she admits that her behavior is a result of feeling depressed, offer her emotional support and encourage her to see a licensed therapist
- If her behavior doesn’t improve or it oversteps your boundaries, you might want to consider moving on
15 Things To Do When Your Girlfriend Is Lazy
Before jumping into what to do when your girlfriend is lazy, it’s important to preface that it’s not your responsibility to change your girlfriend. This is a common misconception in relationships.
As partners, we can only encourage and support them should they wish to change their behavior. Otherwise, we have to learn to accept them for who they are, reframe our thoughts about our partners, or move on.
1. Self-reflect on your girlfriend’s laziness
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Take a moment to reassess what you’re looking for in a partner. During the initial stages of dating, we are infatuated by them. However, once the initial attraction fades, we begin to see our partners for who they are.
So is your girlfriend lazy or is she behaving in a manner that’s not meeting your expectations? To help navigate this question, you can start listing down the qualities you are searching for in a partner and compare them against your girlfriend.
Of course, we can’t expect our partner to be perfect but you must identify what are your non-negotiables in a relationship.
If you’re struggling with identifying what your non-negotiables are, think about what values are important to you and that you need in a relationship.
2. List down why your “girlfriend is lazy” is concerning to you
Before you confront your girlfriend, be sure to list down what’s bothering you. Simply saying you have a problem with your girlfriend being lazy will not suffice. Specify what you’re upset about and why.
For example, if it’s a matter of cleanliness, list specific instances. Is the issue that she doesn’t clean up after herself? Is it that cleaning the house is a lot of work and you need her help?
If it’s a matter of finances, list down why your girlfriend not having a job is a concern for you. Is it because you feel overwhelmed and need financial help to sustain the lifestyle you both want?
Identifying why this is a concern for you and how her behavior makes you feel will hopefully help your girlfriend see things from your perspective.
3. Challenge the assumption that your girlfriend is lazy
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Step back and challenge the thought that your girlfriend is lazy. Has she always been this way or has she only recently become less enthused? Is she so busy at work that she’s had to neglect other areas in her life including this relationship?
There could be external reasons why she’s become lazy so it’s crucial to bear this mind so that we learn to be more compassionate rather than judgmental of her current state.
4. calmly explain why your girlfriend being lazy is a concern
Now that you’ve had a moment to gather your thoughts, initiate the conversation with your girlfriend.
The topic of conversation can be a sensitive matter for your girlfriend so you must avoid “You statements” such as “You are so lazy, you never pick up after yourself” or “You’re lazy and it’s starting to burden me”.
This is because they sound accusatory and a judgment call on your girlfriend’s character. Not only will this invite her to defend herself but she won’t want to listen to you.
Instead, you should use an “I statement” like
- “I feel overwhelmed when I have to clean the house by myself. Can we distribute the chores so that we can keep it clean?”
- “I’m worried that I won’t be able to financially support this household”
- “I don’t feel cared for when you don’t initiate date night. I want to be reassured that you’re committed to this relationship”
Focusing on how your girlfriend’s inactions make you feel will hopefully make your girlfriend more open to listening and understanding you.
The goal is to make her see things from your perspective and hopefully start a conversation on how to resolve the matter together.
5. Be empathetic
As mentioned earlier, this can be a sensitive matter for your girlfriend so be empathetic when she’s explaining her side of things.
Empathy refers to the ability to understand and feel what the person is experiencing. Remember, we don’t truly know how our partner is feeling or what is influencing her behavior so it’s important to give her the space to express herself.
Hopefully, you’ll be able to know why your girlfriend is lazy by the end of this conversation.
6. Actively listen as to why your girlfriend is lazy
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One way to practice empathy is by actively listening to our partners. Often, we are inclined to assure or offer solutions as soon as someone starts sharing their problems.
While your intentions are good, there are better times to do so. Instead, we should simply listen to understand. Several ways we can practice active listening are:
- Maintaining eye contact
- Ensure our body language is facing our partner
- Holding her hand for support
You may clarify and summarise her points after she’s done speaking to avoid any misunderstanding.
7. Reassess the relationship
Now that you’ve had the conversation and discussed why your girlfriend is lazy, reassess how you want to move forward.
If she shows a genuine want to change her behavior but needs your support, then ask yourself if you’re willing to go through this journey with her.
If it’s clear that she’s not willing to change certain behaviors, then you need to consider whether you’re willing to accept her for who she is. For example, are you willing to accept the fact that your girlfriend might have different career aspirations than you?
Matters such as household chores and responsibilities can be discussed and compromised. But values and fundamental beliefs shouldn’t be negotiated.
You cannot change this aspect of your partner so it’s either you adapt accordingly or move on from this relationship.
8. Establish standards and expectations
If you’ve both agreed to commit to this relationship, discuss what an ideal relationship looks like for both of you.
It’s crucial to remember that you’re both on the same team so you must identify what you both need to make this relationship sustainable.
At this point, you can also consider establishing your boundaries and communicating them to your girlfriend. Boundaries refer to specific actions, guidelines, or limits on how you’d like to be treated.
9. Identify solutions together to help overcome your girlfriend’s laziness
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Now it’s time to move forward by identifying solutions together. Regarding the distribution of household responsibilities, I’ve mentioned in a previous article about Eve Rodsky’s book Fair Play as a good reference point.
In her book, she explains a method she’s created to help couples distribute household chores. Taking inspiration from her method, list down all the household chores that need to be done.
When dividing them up, remember that this is a collaboration between both of you. You may assign the task based on preference, capacity, and capability.
Whatever way you choose to divide up the tasks, ensure that it’s a system that benefits both of you and encourages your girlfriend to not be lazy.
10. Apply the system
Once you’ve identified a suitable arrangement, apply it to your daily life. You won’t know what works until you try. However, don’t be calculative when applying this system.
For instance, say you’re tasked to clean the dishes so you’ve decided that you won’t help out with the cooking. Or you keep tabs on how many times you’ve cleaned the toilet so that you can avoid doing the laundry.
This idea of keeping score only breeds entitlement and can foster resentment because you will always try to frame yourself as doing more than your girlfriend.
Instead, you both should work together as a team and create a system that benefits both of you.
11. Hold her accountable
If your girlfriend has set the intention of doing certain chores or finding a job, ensure that you hold her accountable. Your role in this scenario is to make sure she stays true to her word.
If your girlfriend is lazy, advise her to set actionable steps when working towards achieving her goals. This could be applying for 3 jobs once a week. Or sweeping the floors once a week.
Start small so that they’re achievable and will reinforce the positive motivation she needs to get out of the lazy funk.
12. Offer positive reinforcement
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Another way to lend support if your girlfriend is lazy is by being a positive force. This can be done by celebrating small and big wins with your girlfriend.
Alternatively, you can also show her gratitude after she’s completed a task by simply thanking her. Do ask her what else you can do to support her. Such acts will hopefully encourage her to break her bad habits and reinforce the good ones.
13. Encourage her to see a therapist
If your girlfriend is lazy because she lacks motivation, then it’s advised that she seek professional help from a licensed therapist. Usually, this is one of the symptoms of depression and she might be experiencing it currently.
Don’t be disheartened if you cannot help. Directing her to someone who can is the best way to support her under this circumstance.
14. Check in with each other
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Decide when you want to check in with each other. You could arrange for it to be biweekly or monthly.
Reflect and discuss whether the current delegation system for household chores is working. You might need to switch roles depending on your schedule.
Work and other priorities will sometimes get in the way so it’s normal to have to change and adapt. What matters is that you communicate with each other and have consistent check-ins so that you’re on top of things.
Other matters that can be discussed when doing these check-ins are progress updates on your girlfriend’s individual goals. Ask her how she’s doing and tell her what support you can provide based on your capacity.
15. Break up as an option
If your girlfriend shows no signs of improvement or violates your boundaries, consider ending the relationship.
Refer back to your values or non-negotiables, if your girlfriend doesn’t meet them, that also is another cause for consideration.
Ultimately, a partner should be someone who enriches your life and makes you happier. You shouldn’t need to settle for less.
Frequently Asked Questions
How do I deal with a low-energy girlfriend?
Simply ask her. Ask her why she’s experiencing low energy – perhaps she’s not doing this deliberately – and explain how it makes you feel when she doesn’t respond as excitedly as you might like. From here, you can then work to find a solution together.
How does laziness affect relationships?
Lazy partners have unrealistic expectations about love. Such partners think love is life the movies where luck and perfect timing create the best relationships. They’re not self-aware and are delusional instead. They neglect that relationships require work and effort, just like all other aspects of life.
Conclusion
If you think your girlfriend is lazy, break down what instances has she shown to be lazy and identify what is it about her behavior that’s bothering you.
The only way to resolve the matter is to have an open conversation about her behavior and be willing to listen empathetically.
Remember, you cannot fundamentally change your girlfriend so if she’s not willing to improve herself, then it’s either you accept and adapt to this behavior, or move on from this relationship. All the best.