my girlfriend never checks up on me – is this a red flag?
You’re several months to a year into this relationship when you realize, “My girlfriend never checks up on me”. It’s normal to start feeling anxious when your girlfriend behaves unusually.
However, before we jump to conclusions, it’s important to take a step back, reassess the relationship, and talk to her about this. So read further to find out what are the possible reasons why “My girlfriend never checks up on me” and what to do about it.
Summary
- 8 reasons why my girlfriend never checks up on me
- 8 things to do when my girlfriend never checks up on me
- Frequently asked questions
- Is she busy or just losing interest?
- Why doesn’t she check up on me?
- Conclusion
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In a hurry? Here are the key takeaways
- The reason “My girlfriend never checks up on me” could be due to personal reasons such as being busy at work or prioritizing family matters.
- It might signal a gradual shift in the relationship as she feels secure enough not to check in on you as frequently.
- What’s important is that you discuss the matter with your girlfriend.
- Explain that you’ve noticed a change in her behavior and want to know if she’s alright.
- Be ready to listen empathetically and if you’re both still committed to this relationship, identify ways on how you both can maintain a connection.
- This can range from scheduling phone calls to date nights. What matters is that you’re both willing to put in the effort.
8 Reasons Why My Girlfriend Never Checks Up On Me
When you find yourself thinking “My girlfriend never checks up on me”, it’s normal to assume the worst. However, there could be other reasons why your girlfriend never checks up on you. Below are possible reasons which might apply to your situation.
1. She’s busy and doesn’t have time to check up on you
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We must remind ourselves that our partners have lives and other priorities outside of this relationship. You might be thinking “My girlfriend never checks up on me” and that’s because she’s probably busy at work.
Her work is bleeding into her leisure time and she hasn’t had a chance to even check in with her friends or family either.
If this is the case, then don’t take it personally as she currently needs to prioritise her work obligations. This doesn’t mean she will be neglecting you forever.
2. Misaligned expectations on the frequency of checkups
Another reason you’re thinking “My girlfriend never checks up on me” is because you both have different expectations regarding how often you should check in with each other.
From your perspective, only checking in once a week isn’t sufficient and indicates that she’s not interested in you. However, from your girlfriend’s perspective, it’s enough assurance for her that you’re both still committed to this relationship.
If this is the case, you need to have a conversation with your girlfriend about the frequency of checkups so that you both feel assured.
3. my girlfriend never checks up on me because She’s independent
This is also related to expectations but the reason your girlfriend never checks up on you is because she assumes that you don’t need it. This line of thinking could stem from the fact that she’s independent and doesn’t need check-ins as much as you do.
4. my girlfriend never checks up on me because She’s used to the current arrangement of me checking up on her
Is it always you who checks up on your girlfriend? Perhaps your girlfriend never checks up on you because she’s used to you initiating the check-in.
When we’re used to a certain arrangement in a relationship, we tend to take it for granted. This might be the case for your girlfriend. She’s so content with you checking up on her that she doesn’t realize that this dynamic isn’t working for you anymore.
She probably feels secure in the relationship because you check up on her so she doesn’t realize that her lack of initiation isn’t making you feel assured.
5. She would rather check up in person
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A reason why you think “My girlfriend never checks up on me” is because she would rather check up with you in person.
As mentioned in previous points, your girlfriend might have different expectations in terms of what’s required to feel reassured in this relationship.
Perhaps your girlfriend doesn’t need as many checkups because she would rather wait to meet in person to check in with you and see how you’re doing.
I was guilty of doing this during the initial stages of dating. I preferred to catch up with my boyfriend over a phone call at the end of the day so I didn’t bother to text him during the day. However, I learned that he preferred consistent text messages.
He didn’t require a paragraph but just a good morning text to reassure him that I was thinking of him. If this is what you prefer, then you need to have a conversation with your girlfriend about this.
6. my girlfriend never checks up on me because She’s emotionally distant
Your girlfriend might not check up on you because she’s become emotionally distant. There are instances where couples go through a lull in their relationship but this doesn’t mean that this is the beginning of the end.
Feelings aren’t enough to sustain a relationship. Instead, once the infatuation phase fades, loving someone becomes a choice.
Provided that your girlfriend is just as committed as you are, then the next step is working together to identify how to improve the connection you both have.
7. my girlfriend never checks up on me because She finds them boring
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If you find yourself thinking “My girlfriend never checks up on me”, it could be because she simply finds the act boring. Your girlfriend could be bored of this act because it doesn’t offer any excitement in the relationship.
If this is the scenario, again this can be resolved provided that she’s still committed to this relationship.
8. my girlfriend never checks up on me because She’s no longer interested
Finally, the reason your girlfriend never checks up on you is because she’s simply no longer interested. This is only a valid reason if she shows signs of deliberately pulling away by not attempting to contact you or showing little interest in you.
However, the only way to know for sure is by confronting her about it.
9 Things To Do If My Girlfriend Never Checks Up On Me
1. Challenge the assumption that my girlfriend never checks up on me
Before we jump to the conclusion that “My girlfriend never checks up on me”, ask yourself whether this is truly the case. Sometimes, our mind creates negative thoughts that don’t reflect our reality.
One writing exercise that you can do to help challenge your thoughts is the Thought Record. Thought record is a cognitive behavioral therapy exercise that allows you to capture and review your thoughts about a specific situation using 7 prompts.
I’ve mentioned this exercise in a previous article and the point of this exercise is to give a better picture of how your thoughts and actions are linked, and subsequently shift your frame of thinking to one that is more realistic to your current situation.
Here’s a link to the table if you’d like a PDF version.
2. Self-reflect on why your girlfriend checking up on you is a concern
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Another practice you should consider before confronting your girlfriend is to reflect on why your girlfriend never checking up on you is a problem.
Define what checking up means to you. Is it the fact that she doesn’t text you every day? Or the fact that she doesn’t call every week? You need to write down instances that show she doesn’t check up on you.
Then, write down specifically how this behavior makes you feel. Is it because you feel neglected? Or that you’re lacking reassurance that she’s committed to this relationship?
Specifying how her actions make you feel and why it’s important that she checks up on you will hopefully make her more willing to listen and understand your perspective.
3. Bring up your concerns
Once you’ve gathered your thoughts, initiate the conversation with your girlfriend. Pick a time when you’re both calm and explain the intention of this conversation.
When raising your concerns, ensure you center it around how her actions make you feel.
For instance, you could say “I feel neglected when you don’t send me a text message every morning. I just want to be assured that you’re thinking of me”.
If you start the conversation with “You never check up on me” or “I hardly hear from you”, your girlfriend will more likely want to defend herself rather than listen to you. These statements sound accusatory and don’t show what the actual problem is.
It might take several attempts to make her see things from your perspective so don’t hesitate to repeat yourself or take a pause and return to the conversation.
Remember the goal is not to start an argument but to make her understand how you feel.
4. Listen to her perspective on why she never checks up on you
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As this is a conversation, give her space to share her point of view. One way to do this is by practicing empathy. Empathy refers to understanding how the other person is feeling by experiencing the emotions with them.
This can be done by actively listening to our partners. Instead of listening to console, argue, or offer solutions, we should listen to understand.
How we can practice active listening includes maintaining eye contact, holding their hand for support, and interrupting them if we seek clarification.
Summarise the points that were made and thank your girlfriend for her vulnerability.
5. Identify solutions together
If you find that at the end of the conversation, you both are still committed to this relationship, then work out solutions together. Discuss how you both like to be shown affection.
Communicate what you need to feel reassured and be open to listening to what your girlfriend’s needs are too.
Sometimes, our partners might not be able to fulfill our needs for valid reasons so be open to a compromise.
For instance, your girlfriend might not be able to text you during busy periods at work so a compromise would be a phone call at the end of the week.
It’s important to be flexible as you both will have other obligations that need to be tended to.
However, so long as you both have managed each other’s expectations and are clear that the end goal is to maintain a connection, then you’ll be setting your relationship up for success.
6. Make bids for connection
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According to American psychologist, John Gottman, what makes for a successful relationship is when couples constantly make and accept bids to connect.
Bids refer to small or big acts, verbal or non-verbal, that invite our partner to connect.
This could be something as small as dropping a “good morning” text or scheduling a date. The key here is that they’re done consistently and intentionally.
In this scenario, ensure that you and your partner agree to continue making these bids as this shows you’re both committed to strengthening this relationship.
Doing so will dispel the notion that “My girlfriend never checks up on me”.
7. Practice gratitude
Another way to maintain connection is by practicing gratitude. For instance, you can thank your girlfriend for checking in despite her busy schedule.
The point is that you both are showing positive reinforcement and that you demonstrate appreciation towards each other.
8. Reassess the relationship
Say you’ve asked why your girlfriend never checks up on you, the next step would be to break up if she’s
- Confirmed that she’s no longer interested
- Not keen to change her behavior and or
- Continues to neglect you after you’ve addressed your concerns
It’s a hard choice to consider but you deserve to be with someone who cares for you and is just committed as you to be in a relationship.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is she busy or just losing interest?
Someone who’s interested will immediately reschedule a canceled date. If they’re no longer interested, they will be vague about when they’ll see you next. Trust your instincts but if you need assurance, just ask whether they’re still interested in you.
Why she doesn’t check on me?
It could be that they’ve lost interest in the relationship and don’t wish to pursue it any longer. Your partner could be losing interest and she doesn’t know how to tell you. However, you can only know for sure when you confront her about this.
Conclusion
When you find yourself thinking “My girlfriend never checks up on me”, it can conjure up feelings of anxiety because you immediately assume that they’re no longer interested.
However, the only way to be certain is by having an open and honest conversation with your girlfriend. This will then determine how to move forward with the relationship. All the best.