It’s not a nice feeling when you’ve had an argument and your girlfriend won’t apologize. You feel that she’s in the wrong and her not apologizing is frustrating you. And even if she does, you feel that her apology isn’t sincere.
I’m guilty of not being good with apologies. I’d always been a perfectionist and every time I had to admit a mistake, I would beat myself up about it. Apologizing, to me, was a sign of failure.
Once I entered a relationship, I learned that this mindset needed to change. If I hurt my boyfriend, I needed to take accountability for it.
My mistakes don’t define me but rather are teaching points for me to learn and improve.
So if your girlfriend is anything like me (and if you’re anything like my partner), be patient with her and be willing to practice forgiveness and acceptance, regardless of who was in the wrong.
Meanwhile, this article will break down why your girlfriend won’t apologize and what we can do about this.
Summary
- 5 reasons why your girlfriend won’t apologize
- 13 things to do when your girlfriend won’t apologize
- Frequently asked questions
- Is saying sorry important in a relationship
- How do you deal with someone who never admits they’re wrong
- Conclusion
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IN A HURRY? HERE ARE THE KEY TAKEAWAYS:
Why my girlfriend won’t apologize?
If your girlfriend won’t apologize, it might be due to her perception of apologizing. To her, it’s a sign of weakness and she feels shameful for needing to apologize.
This frame of thinking probably stems from low self-esteem and perfectionist tendencies.
Someone who has high self-esteem and isn’t obsessed with controlling a perfect image can admit their faults and is willing to learn from their mistakes rather than let them define him/her.
This might not be the case for your girlfriend.
What to do if my girlfriend won’t apologize?
For a more productive conversation, go into it with an understanding that this isn’t a debate between “me vs. my girlfriend” but rather a discussion around “us vs. the problem”
Use “I statement” rather than “You statements” when addressing the matter with your girlfriend as this will focus the conversation around how her actions make you feel rather than sound like a judgment call on her.
You may consult with a licensed therapist or counselor to navigate the situation.
Be ready to forgive your girlfriend and discuss resolutions on how to move forward and ensure this behavior won’t be repeated.
Have patience and self-compassion for each other as you both go on this journey of improvement together.
5 Reasons Why Your Girlfriend Won’t Apologize
There are plenty of reasons why your girlfriend won’t apologize. One common thread amongst all the reasons is that it’s related to your girlfriend’s behavior and/or personality.
Being aware of this will hopefully make you understand why she’s choosing to not say sorry.
1. Your girlfriend won’t apologize because she has poor self-esteem
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Self-esteem refers to how we value and perceive ourselves and it can influence our self-confidence.
Usually, people with high self-esteem feel secure in themselves. They know their strengths, acknowledge their weaknesses, and can offer sincere apologies when they know they’re in the wrong.
This is because people with high self-esteem know and accept that sometimes they mess up. That these mistakes don’t define them. However, this line of thinking is not the case if your girlfriend has low self-esteem.
Instead, she feels that apologizing and admitting she’s wrong is reinforcement that she’s a bad person.
She cannot separate her actions from herself so by admitting she’s wrong about something, she thinks she’s the wrong person in general. By conflating the two, she finds it difficult to apologize.
2. Your girlfriend won’t apologize because she feels ashamed
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This point also relates to your girlfriend’s self-esteem. If your girlfriend has low self-esteem, she’s more prone to associating apologies and mistakes as signs of failure rather than an opportunity to learn and grow.
As a result of this, your girlfriend won’t apologize because she feels ashamed for having to admit that she’s made a mistake.
3. Your girlfriend won’t apologize because she sees it as a sign of weakness
Another train of thought that your girlfriend might have if she’s experiencing low self-esteem is that she sees apologizing as a sign of weakness.
It’s difficult for those with low self-esteem to admit when they’ve made a mistake and apologize for it because they think making mistakes is what defines them.
They see saying sorry and admitting wrongdoing as a sign of weakness rather than a show of vulnerability (which shows more courage).
4. Your girlfriend won’t apologize because she tends towards perfectionism
A perfectionist has excessively high standards of themselves and critical self-evaluations. They have an “all-or-nothing” approach to handling things and aren’t kind to themselves when they make mistakes.
Perfectionists have a tendency to want to control a self-image of themselves that’s always right so if your girlfriend behaves similarly, this is probably why she won’t apologize because it would be admitting that she’s in the wrong.
Instead, she wants to defend herself and prove why she’s not in the wrong to protect her self-image and her perfectionist tendencies.
5. Your girlfriend won’t apologize because she doesn’t know how to
To be fair to your girlfriend, we’re not taught how to apologize or how to resolve conflict especially when both parties feel that they’ve not done anything wrong.
Perhaps your girlfriend won’t apologize because she doesn’t know how to or she’s worried that you might misinterpret her apology as insincere.
Whatever it is, it’s important to have a conversation about this and identify how you both can move forward.
13 Things To Do When Your Girlfriend Won’t Apologize
Learning to navigate conflict and apologies is important in any relationship. Here are 13 things to consider when your girlfriend won’t apologize.
1. Don’t ignore her
If your girlfriend refuses to apologize, it’s natural to want to ignore your partner because you feel hurt and dejected. It’s fine to take a pause, especially when things get heated, but don’t leave the argument hanging for several days. This will only make the situation worse.
2. Calm down
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Take a moment to calm down and collect yourself. If you return to the conversation with your girlfriend feeling angry, you might say things that will make her get defensive.
She will refuse to see things from your perspective and will be more unwilling to understand how her actions make you feel.
3. Self-reflect
Reassess the situation and reflect on the matter. Ask yourself whether you’ve stated your point across clearly.
Perhaps what you were trying to say to your girlfriend wasn’t communicated clearly or it was delivered in an angry tone so her natural reaction was to get defensive.
Remember, no one likes to be told they’re wrong and if they are, we need to inform them as calmly and gently as possible. It needs to come from a place of care rather than judgment.
4. Explain how her actions make you feel
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When you’re ready, bring up the matter again with your girlfriend. Ensure that she’s also calm and willing to have this conversation.
Often, before going into the conversation, we tend to view it as a debate between “me vs. my partner”. However, framing the debate as “us vs. the problem” would be more beneficial.
If both of you can keep this perspective in mind, it will generate a more productive conversation because you both are on the same team and are working towards resolving a conflict together.
Avoid using “You statements” like “You never apologize when you’re in the wrong” or “You don’t care about my feelings”. These statements sound accusatory and are a judgment of your girlfriend’s character.
Use “I statement” instead like “I feel hurt when you didn’t apologize. When you don’t apologize, I’m worried that you’re going to repeat this hurtful behavior and I just want to be reassured you won’t do this again”
These statements are more specific and focus on a particular incident. It pulls the focus away from your girlfriend (i.e. me vs. my partner) to the action itself (i.e. us vs. the problem).
Shifting the conversation around how her actions make you feel will hopefully help her be more understanding.
Remind yourself that the purpose of this conversation is to help her see things from your perspective and to resolve the conflict together.
5. Give her space to reflect on her actions
Your girlfriend won’t say sorry immediately if she has low self-esteem or isn’t used to offering apologies. Instead, give her space to reflect on her actions.
Remember, this is a new concept for her or perhaps this is the first time you’re confronting her about this so be patient with her. Allow her to think things through before deciding what your next steps are.
6. Be empathetic
Practice empathy when your girlfriend is expressing herself. Empathy refers to the ability to understand and share feelings with others. It’s the ability to go to that emotion with that person and feel what they’re feeling.
One way to practice empathy is by actively listening to your girlfriend. It’s natural for us to want to offer solutions, words of support, or defend ourselves when someone is speaking.
However, we should take this moment to simply listen to them so that we can understand our partners better or in this case, understand why our girlfriend won’t apologize.
Other ways to practice active listening are by maintaining eye contact, interrupting them when seeking clarification, and holding their hands for support.
7. Be ready to forgive your girlfriend
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Be ready for the possibility that you might not get the apology you want from your girlfriend. If you can understand why your girlfriend won’t apologize, this might help you move past the situation.
Provided she didn’t physically or emotionally abuse you, then consider accepting what happened and consciously let go of the resentment you might be holding towards your girlfriend.
This might be challenging initially but remember to look at the bigger picture. If you continue to hold a grudge over your girlfriend for not apologizing, this will build resentment and cause more harm to your relationship in the long run.
According to this study, practicing forgiveness can improve social well-being and reduce psychological distress. If your girlfriend does apologize and accepts responsibility for her actions, be kind and gracious with your response.
8. Identify solutions together
Now that you both have forgiven each other, work together to ensure the same behavior that cause you hurt will not be repeated.
Communicate with your partner what behavior you will not tolerate and set firm boundaries. Boundaries refer to guidelines or rules that show how you’d like to be treated and what you won’t tolerate.
While it’s important to hold each other accountable, remember to also be patient and compassionate as you both work towards improving behaviors.
9. Support each other’s self-development journey
Being in a committed relationship requires consistent effort from both parties to improve themselves so that they can turn up to the relationship as their best selves for each other.
So if communicating apologies doesn’t come easy to your girlfriend but she’s shown that she wants to improve, then be ready to support her.
Ask her how she’d like to be supported and identify how you can help improve her communication skills. Your girlfriend can also return the favor as it’s important to not neglect your personal development.
Of course, be sure that you both offer help that’s within each other’s capacity and not overstretch yourself.
10. Celebrate wins together
Learning how to fight and apologize is a communication skill that takes time and effort from both parties. As a couple, you are bound to end up in arguments. What matters is how you resolve them.
If you find yourself in another argument but you’ve noticed an improvement in how you both resolve conflict.
Or if you notice your girlfriend is better at owning to her mistakes and can apologize, then take this as a win and celebrate this moment with her.
11. Laugh about the situation once it’s resolved
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Once the dust has settled, a good sign of a healthy relationship is that you’re able to look back on the situation and laugh about it.
We’re going to find things about our partner that will annoy us but it’s important to find the humor in them as this will strengthen your relationship.
12. Consider seeking help from a counselor
If you have the financial means, you might want to consider seeking a licensed therapist or counselor to navigate this matter. Having a third party present can help you identify blind spots in the relationship and share how to resolve conflict as a couple.
13. Consider break up as an option
This step should only be considered as a last resort. If you see no improvement in your girlfriend’s behavior or she’s adamant that she’s always right and won’t apologize, then you need to reassess how you feel about this relationship.
It’s either you accept that this is who your girlfriend is or move on. Only you can decide what behavior you can tolerate.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is saying sorry important in a relationship?
Apologizing can repair trust. A sincere apology allows you to let people know you’re not proud of what you did, and won’t be repeating the behavior. It shows that you’re aware of your actions and that you’ll be more careful next time. Your partner will respect you more for this response rather than judge you for your mistakes.
How do you deal with someone who never admits they’re wrong?
It’s best to let them learn they are wrong on their own as they aren’t going to back down no matter how hard you convince them or even if you have proof. Instead of wasting your time and energy arguing or being frustrated, learn to let go and move on.
Conclusion
When your girlfriend won’t apologize, it’s natural to be frustrated because it shows that she doesn’t understand how her actions have hurt you. Be patient and willing to have this conversation with your girlfriend.
Remember, by framing the conversation as a problem you need to resolve together rather than a debate that pits you against one another, hopefully, you both will come out of it stronger. All the best!