New Relationship Anxiety: 12 Signs And How To Cope With It
You’ve just entered a new relationship. Everything’s going well, but suddenly, doubt begins to creep in: “Does this person like me?” “Where is this relationship going?” “Why haven’t they texted me?”
There’s a high possibility that you’re experiencing new relationship anxiety. New relationship anxiety refers to an intense fear or worry of being newly partnered.
New relationship anxiety or anxiety in a new relationship can feel different for everyone, depending on their personal self and relationship dynamic.
Managing new relationship anxiety cannot be done overnight. Still, with the right tools and framing, you will definitely be able to navigate it more healthily, without jeopardizing your relationship.
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Summary
- 12 signs of new relationship anxiety
- 4 causes of new relationship anxiety
- 8 ways to deal with new relationship anxiety
- Frequently asked questions
- Is it normal to have anxiety when you first start dating someone?
- Can relationship anxiety go away?
- How to know if it’s a gut feeling or anxiety in a relationship?
- Conclusion
12 Signs Of New Relationship Anxiety
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New relationship anxiety can take on different forms. Below are several signs that you’re experiencing early relationship anxiety.
- You doubt your partner’s feelings towards you
- You wonder if your partner truly cares for you
- You worry that they might break up with you
- You doubt your compatibility
- You’re concerned you’ll no longer have chemistry
- You overthink what they’ve said towards you
- You’re worried you might say something wrong and lose them
- You’re concerned that the relationship will go wrong, despite there being no warning signs
- You have difficulty trusting your partner
- You notice physical symptoms of stress
- You neglect the present moment
- You wonder what they’re doing when you’re not together
4 Causes of New Relationship Anxiety
Several factors can lead to new relationship anxiety. These are just a few listed below:
1. Negative experiences from previous relationships
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Your previous partner might have said or done something that made you doubt their feelings for you, made you question their commitment to the relationship, or impacted your trust in them.
If you’ve been in past relationships where your partner has made you feel unsafe or insecure through their words or actions, then these feelings could be resurfacing as you enter a new relationship.
2. Poor self-esteem
Self-esteem refers to how we see ourselves, our sense of self, and how we interact with the world.
Self-esteem refers to our acceptance of ourselves as we currently are and the value we place on ourselves. Often, people with low self-esteem assign external factors as determinants of their self-worth.
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Emma McAdam identifies four negative indicators of self-esteem: Appearance, popularity or external approval, comparison, and achievement.
In the context of entering a new relationship, you might be feeling anxious because you’re attaching too much of your self-worth to external approval from your current partner. This then creates an unhealthy dynamic in the relationship where your self-worth is dependent on how your partner views you and not how you feel about yourself in this relationship.
3. Difficulty communicating feelings
Are you refraining from saying how you truly feel because you’re worried about hurting your partner’s feelings? Holding back from expressing yourself can lead you to become more anxious.
Not being honest with your partner will come at the cost of your inner peace. Not only does this make you more anxious, but it’ll prevent you from being able to genuinely connect with them.
4. Not doing the work of healing yourself
Attachment Theory by psychologist John Bowlby is a framework that explains how emotional bonds between individuals when they were young and their primary caregiver impact their development.
This then influences their life experience and relationship choices. When children reach out to their caregivers during times of distress, how caregivers respond forms the foundation of a child’s attachment style.
For instance, if you were raised in a household where your feelings were acknowledged by your parents, you’ll most likely feel emotionally connected and form a secure attachment. If your parents neglected your feelings, you might develop an insecure attachment.
Attachment styles can influence your adult relationships because they mirror childhood patterns. So experiencing new relationship anxiety could be a product of an insecure attachment style.
8 Ways to Deal With New Relationship Anxiety
It’s great that you’ve acknowledged that you’re experiencing new relationship anxiety. That’s the first step in managing it.
If we don’t conduct this first step, then we run the risk of reinforcing bad habits and old patterns that can negatively impact our relationship. So before it’s too late, let’s learn how to deal with new relationship anxiety.
1. Acknowledge your feelings
When you experience new relationship anxiety, you might encounter emotions such as fear, doubt, or extreme worry.
Sometimes, this leads us to feel shame, guilt, or even self-judgment for having these emotions. However, it’s important to remind ourselves that experiencing these feelings is normal, and it’s how you navigate them that matters.
Rather than turning away or allowing these emotions to consume you, hold space for them instead.
Observe them as a third person, as something that is disconnected from your mind and body. Psychologist Emma McAdam suggests observing rather than judging your emotions, e.g., “I’m feeling scared” rather than “I hate that I’m feeling scared”
A couple of other suggestions from her are to be curious about what you’re feeling and where in your body you’re feeling it, as well as to remain present.
2. Reframe negative thoughts
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When you’re experiencing new relationship anxiety, you’re often met with negative thoughts that make you doubt, worry, and feel overwhelmed.
However, I cannot emphasize that these thoughts are just thoughts. They don’t inform reality, nor do they predict the future.
So instead of letting these thoughts consume you, get into the practice of noticing when you’re experiencing a negative thought. By separating yourself from the thought, you’re able to approach it more rationally.
As soon as you start forming a negative thought, pause and observe it. Ask yourself, is this thought helpful? Often, they’re not. Then let the thought pass through you.
If you’d like a more rigorous or detailed approach to challenging and reframing your negative thoughts, you can try the Thought Record exercise.
Thought Record is a cognitive behavioral therapy exercise that allows you to capture and review your thoughts about a specific situation using 7 prompts.
This exercise helps question the validity of your thoughts and form more realistic and productive thoughts for your situation.
3. Practice self-compassion
When we allow our negative thoughts to consume us, we feel frustrated, shameful, and angry. In moments like this, it’s important to practice self-compassion.
You will inevitably encounter challenges in any relationship, so you must be kind to yourself as you navigate this new chapter.
A good practice is to ask yourself if you would say these negative things to your friend. So if you can speak gently to your friend, why not say these things back to yourself?
4. Practice relaxation techniques
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When you’re experiencing new relationship anxiety, it’s good to practice breathing exercises to help you calm down.
To regulate your nervous system, you must learn how to self-soothe. As mentioned earlier, when you’re acknowledging your emotions, take this opportunity to breathe in and out.
According to clinical social worker, Carmella Wygant, “the slower you exhale, the more you’ll engage the parasympathetic nervous system, which is responsible for calming the body down after it’s had a bad fright or shock”
5. Improve your self-esteem
As mentioned earlier, new relationship anxiety could stem from attaching your self-worth to external validation or how others perceive you.
Self-esteem refers to our acceptance of ourselves as we currently are and the value we place on ourselves. Our self-esteem normally impacts our self-worth.
When we place our self-worth on external factors, our self-esteem tends to fluctuate. For instance, attaching our self-worth to our appearance and popularity means placing our self-esteem under the control of others.
Instead, the best indicator of your self-worth and building high self-esteem is how well you live by your values. By choosing our values and living by them, we shift the focus away from external approval and towards growth.
When we live by our values, we become less fixated on reaching a goal and live more intentionally, for living by our values is a continuous process. So, identify what your values are and learn to live by your values.
When we commit to determining and living by our values, we’ll feel more empowered to date and less anxious about how we’ll be perceived.
6. Set boundaries
According to Jennie Miller and Victoria Lambert in their book, Boundaries, Boundaries refer to the decisions we make that govern our behavior and how we interact with others.
Boundaries are about being clear with ourselves and others about what behaviors we will and will not tolerate. So identify what these are.
Next is enforcing that boundary. For instance, perhaps there are certain things you’re not ready to do during the first few dates. Be prepared to communicate this to your partner.
It might make you feel uncomfortable, but it’s necessary to maintain a strong sense of self and to cultivate confidence.
Additionally, it’s important to set digital boundaries. During the initial stages of dating, you might be checking your phone for messages or wondering when they’re going to call you.
This is probably taking up a lot of your energy and mental capacity, so be mindful when you’re practicing this and remind yourself to pause and stop ruminating over this.
7. Communicate how you feel
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If your partner has done something to upset you or you’d like to address something important to you, you must communicate how you feel.
By sweeping it under the rug, you might find yourself growing resentful. Your need to avoid conflict will harm the relationship in the long run, so get familiar with communicating honestly.
8. Seek professional help
If you have the time and financial means, it might be good to consider seeking professional help.
A therapist or licensed counselor will be equipped with the knowledge and skills to diagnose the severity of your anxiety and provide you with the correct tools to help manage your new relationship anxiety.
Frequently asked questions
Is it normal to have anxiety when you first start dating someone?
It’s perfectly normal to have some apprehension and butterflies when starting a new relationship. You might feel it more if it’s your first relationship. These feelings are valid, and it’s normal to feel nervous about being vulnerable with someone.
Can relationship anxiety go away?
Fortunately, relationship anxiety isn’t necessarily permanent. It is possible to reduce or eliminate your relationship anxiety, to create joyful, safe relationships and an assured sense of self.
How to know if it’s a gut feeling or anxiety in a relationship?
Relationship anxiety is typically characterized by persistent and intrusive worries that lead to high levels of distress. It’s usually based on “what if” situations and produces negative narratives. However, gut feelings are normally fleeting but significant and clear.
Conclusion
It’s perfectly normal to be experiencing new relationship anxiety. You like this person, and you really want it to work. Yet, you feel apprehension because you don’t want to come across as too eager, nor do you want to get your feelings hurt.
However, part of being in a new relationship is being comfortable with the risk and uncertainty of what’s to come.
When we let go of these fears and start embracing the relationship in the moment, we’ll feel less bogged down by our thoughts and develop gratitude for the present.