What Kills Long-Distance Relationships? 12 Things They Don’t Tell You

Having been in a long-distance relationship, I know exactly what kills long-distance relationships and it’s not necessarily the physical distance. 

Of course, being physically separated is challenging but you must understand that this arrangement should be temporary. 

It’s failure to plan how and when to close the distance that can make you feel stuck and eventually kill this long-distance relationship. 

So if you’d like to know in more detail then read below. I’ll also share when it’s time to let it go and what you can do to survive long-distance relationships. 

Summary

• What kills long-distance relationships? 12 things
• When to let go of a long-distance relationship? 5 signs 
• How to survive a long-distance relationship? 5 tips 
• Frequently asked questions 
• Conclusion  

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What kills long-distance relationships? 12 things

1. When you’re both not equally committed to this relationship 

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Entering a long-distance relationship forces you to question your commitment to each other much sooner than in a standard relationship.  

Love isn’t enough to sustain a long-distance relationship. Rather, love becomes a verb rather than a feeling. 

This means that by entering one, you’re choosing to actively work on this relationship and put in the effort to make it work. 

If you’re both not equally committed or one of you is more committed than the other, then this is what kills long-distance relationships. 

2. When you’re not willing to make sacrifices or compromises for each other 

Being in a long-distance relationship is meant to be a temporary arrangement. If you both live in separate countries, one of you will inevitably have to make the move to be together. 

Uprooting your life will take time and money for it to be successful. The question is who is willing to make that sacrifice? And is the other person willing to support them during this big transition? 

If neither one of you is willing to make that shift or at least try to, then there’s no point in pursuing a long-distance relationship. 

When you’re not willing to make compromises, then this is what kills long-distance relationships. 

3. not having a shared vision is what kills long-distance relationships

If you’re just starting your long-distance relationship, you must have a shared vision. This means you both are clear about where you want to take this relationship. 

It’s not enough to just “take it day by day”. Instead, you must both be clear about the direction of where you want to go and work together toward this direction. 

For example, if your goal is to live together, discuss who should make the move and weigh out the pros and cons. 

The process will be overwhelming and where you choose to settle down might change as you gain more information. However, so long as you both still share the same end goal, then you’ll be fine. 

Without it, then you’ll risk killing your long-distance relationship. 

4. Not having something to look forward to  

When you’re in a long-distance relationship, it doesn’t leave a lot of room for spontaneity. Instead, you must be organized and plan when you’ll see each other next. 

Scheduling when you’ll see each other next invites something to look forward to. 

If you’re constantly wondering when you’ll see each other next or make vague plans, then this will eventually drive you apart and kill your long-distance relationship. 

5. Your insecurities is what kills long-distance relationships 

You and your partner live separate and individual lives outside the relationship. 

If you start harboring jealousy or fear over who they’re seeing when you’re not around, this can heighten your insecurities. 

Rather than suppress them, it’s important to acknowledge and address them with your partner. 

Otherwise, your insecurities will conjure up worst-case scenarios like infidelity (which might not be true) and you’ll begin to develop trust issues with your partner.

6. Jumping straight to conclusions is what kills long-distance relationships 

You must feel secure in your long-distance relationship. This means feeling confident that your partner is committed to you.  

Without this sense of security, you’re more likely to jump to conclusions whenever they go out with the opposite sex who is a friend or colleague. 

Unless there’s substantial proof that your partner is cheating on you, then these conclusions you’re drawing up can impact trust and generate frustration in the relationship. 

If you don’t tend to it, then this can kill your long-distance relationship. 

7. Lack of bids for connection is what kills long-distance relationships

What kills long-distance relationships is not making small, consistent acts to connect with your partner. American psychologist and relationship expert refers to this practice as bids. 

Bids refer to small consistent acts of kindness that our partner does. When our partner turns towards these bids, it fosters a deeper emotional connection. 

Small acts could mean texting each other good morning every day or sending love letters to each other every month. 

Whatever it is, a lack of this practice will create emotional distance in your relationship and this is what kills long-distance relationships. 

8. Lack of meaningful connection 

What kills long-distance relationships is not continuing to foster meaningful connections with your partner. 

This means continuing to understand and learn about your partner on a deeper level. Examples of questions you should learn the answer to include:  

• How do they like to be consoled? 
• What are their values and how do they practice them? 
• How do they like to be shown affection? 
• What are their goals? 
• What was their upbringing like growing up? 

9. Being consumed by your long-distance relationship 

This is more a point about what kills your relationship with yourself. While it’s great to be committed to your relationship, you mustn’t let it encompass your whole life. 

When you fixate on your long-distance relationship, you’ll neglect other areas in your life that need tending to like your family, friends, and work. 

So strike a balance between managing your relationship and these other areas so that you’ll have a more enriching life. 

10. Not being honest about your concerns 

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If you’re not honest about your concerns with your partner and don’t navigate these concerns together, then this is what kills long distance relationships.

Being in a long-distance relationship feels like you’re taking a big risk. You’ll find yourself in a situation that not many of your peers can relate to and you’ll have family who will question your decision. 

I’ve experienced discomfort and had plenty of concerns, specifically when and how you are going to close the distance between you two. 

It can feel overwhelming and naturally, you just want to suppress these concerns. However, not only is this unhealthy mentally but it will prevent you from progressing your relationship forward. 

11. Comparing your relationship to others 

When you’re in a long-distance relationship, it means being physically alone for the most part. 

This can make you feel lonely as you won’t get to fully experience the benefits of being in a relationship all the time. If you’re not mindful, you’ll start comparing your relationship to others. 

You’ll start questioning whether it’s worth pursuing a long-distance relationship when there are couples who can spend time together whenever they want. 

You might start to feel like those who are in relationships are progressing faster than yours i.e. they’re getting married while you’re still scheduling video calls. 

If you continue going down a spiral of comparison, you lose sight of what makes your relationship special and eventually kill your long-distance relationship. 

12. Feeling resentful rather than grateful is what kills long-distance relationships

What kills long-distance relationships is resentment. As mentioned earlier, if you continue to compare your relationship to others, you’re developing a negative outlook on your relationship. 

You’ll be setting your relationship up for disaster by not practicing gratitude. 

No relationship is perfect and it won’t always be rosy, but if you only acknowledge the negatives and not celebrate the positives, then it will be more challenging for you to want to move forward with this long-distance relationship. 

When To Let Go Of A Long-Distance Relationship? 5 Signs 

1. When you can’t decide on a shared vision 

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When you enter a long-distance relationship, it means choosing to make this arrangement work and simultaneously working towards building a life together. 

The end goal is to be together physically and start the next chapter of your relationship. If you both have different ideas of what that next chapter looks like, then it means you’re not on the same page. 

For instance, you might want to experience nomadic living whereas your partner wants you to move where they are and settle down. 

If you both have different expectations of the life you want to build and can’t complement or support these expectations, then it’s time to let go of this relationship. 

2. When you have different values 

Regardless if you’re in a long-distance relationship or not, what sustains a good relationship is having the same fundamental values. 

I’m not suggesting you must have the same hobbies or the same food, but rather beliefs in areas of life that are important to you. This could range from thoughts on starting a family to political views. 

What are non-negotiable values that you need in a partner? For instance, family is important to you and you’d like to have kids in the future. However, your partner doesn’t want to have kids. 

Some want to be with someone who practices the same religion. If you and your partner aren’t aligned over certain values that are very important to you, then this is what kills long-distance relationships. 

3. When neither one of you isn’t willing to make sacrifices or compromises for this relationship 

Your long-distance relationship should be a temporary arrangement which means you and your partner need to discuss what compromises to make to sustain this relationship. 

A good compromise is when you make a sacrifice but know you’ll gain something great in return. 

If you and your partner aren’t willing to make a compromise due to work commitments or family obligations, and you don’t think there’s any way to work around this, then this is a sign to let this relationship go. 

4. When you are not excited by the prospect of making this transition to be with this person 

While the journey to close the physical gap between might be met with challenges, you must also believe that it will be worth it. 

You must feel excited about the prospect of starting a new chapter together. If you’re not feeling this way, then you need to ask yourself why that is. 

5. When the relationship isn’t meeting your needs 

Being in a long-distance relationship isn’t for everybody and the harsh reality is that love, as a feeling, isn’t enough to sustain one. 

Perhaps you’ve been in a long-distance relationship for some time and you’ve realized this arrangement isn’t working for you or you’re not willing to wait or make the effort to maintain it. 

Or maybe you’ve outgrown this person and realize they’re not able to meet your needs. I’m here to assure you that what you’re feeling is normal and that it’s okay to change your mind. 

How To Survive A Long-Distance Relationship? 5 Tips 

1. Have a shared vision 

You don’t need to have a fixed goal on where you both want to live or when to settle down immediately. However, as I mentioned earlier, you both must be equally committed to making this arrangement work. 

You must also be equally committed to working towards building a life together. Once you’re both clear that you’re on the same page, then the next step is just following through with the process. 

2. Establish goals and schedule check-ins 

Setting goals is a great way to manage uncertainty and establish a rough timeline on when to close the physical distance between you two. 

As mentioned in my previous article, discuss what goals you want to achieve as a couple. This could be determining where you want to live by a certain year. 

Or being clear about the job prospects in your respective countries. You can also consult with a legal advisor on the immigration process so that you know what to expect. 

Break down your goals into small and manageable tasks so that you don’t feel overwhelmed by the process. The small progress you make will go a long way in achieving your goals. 

3. Have something to look forward to 

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One way to avoid killing your long-distance relationship is to have something to look forward to. This could be planning a trip together or booking an experience together. 

You need these physical meets to break up the physical distance and so that you can spend quality physical time together. 

4. Continue making bids for connection 

As mentioned earlier, bids are acts of kindness that are done consistently by our partners. 

As Gottman explains, when we “turn towards” these bids rather than away from them, it will increase emotional connection in our relationship.  

Even if you’re physically apart, there are many ways you can create these bids such as sending good morning texts, sending gifts, or planning virtual dates. 

5. Reassure each other of the bigger picture 

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There will be moments in your relationship when you’ll experience loneliness, worry, and even uncertainty. 

In times like these, don’t hesitate to lean on your friends and family for support. More importantly, don’t forget to reassure each other that you’re both determined to make it work. 

Frequently Asked Questions 

What destroys a long-distance relationship?

Lack of communication is what kills long-distance relationships. Regardless if you’re physically together or apart, communication is at the center of your relationship. It’s what makes or breaks a relationship. 

When should you break up in a long-distance relationship?

Two occasions: Either you feel that you don’t want to be with that person anymore or the other person does not want to be with you anymore. 

Long-distance relationships are challenging and not everyone can manage it. Occasionally, you’ll find it impossible to maintain and start to feel hopeless. 

If this is the state you’re in, reconsider whether it’s time to let this relationship go. 

How do you end an LDR?

Make the call and initiate the conversation. Explain why you’re ending the relationship. Be kind but be firm about your decision. 

You can say, “I don’t want to do this over the phone but I need to be honest. This relationship isn’t working for me, and want to end it”. 

Conclusion 

Ultimately, what kills a long-distance relationship is a lack of commitment and a lack of a common vision. 

Not only do you need to put in the effort to maintain it, but you also need to work just as hard to close the distance between you two. 

However, with the right person, the journey will be worth it and even if it doesn’t work out, you’ll learn a lot about yourself. All the best!