When A Man Pulls Away In A Long-Distance Relationship, Do This. 

“When a man pulls away in a long-distance relationship, I immediately think he doesn’t love me”. “When a man pulls away in a long-distance relationship, I think he will break up”. 

If this sounds like you, I’m here to remind you to breathe and take a step back! It’s completely valid to assume the worst when your partner isn’t behaving like his usual self. 

However, consider the possibility that when a man pulls away in a long-distance relationship, it could also be due to reasons that aren’t related to the relationship. 

The only way to be certain is by having a conversation with him. In my article, I’ll share what it means when a man pulls away in a long-distance relationship, the possible reasons, and most importantly, what to do about it.   

Summary

• What does it mean when a man pulls away in a long-distance relationship? 
• 12 reasons why a man pulls away in a long-distance relationship 
• 10 things to do when a man pulls away in a long-distance relationship 
• Frequently asked questions 
  • Why is he pulling away long distance? 
  • How to know if he is losing interest in a long-distance relationship? 
  • Should I give him space if he’s pulling away? 
• Conclusion 

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What Does It Mean When A Man Pulls Away In A Long-Distance Relationship 

Various reasons come to mind when a man pulls away in a long-distance relationship. However, I encourage you to pause and reflect on the situation. 

Have you noticed him pulling away recently? Have there been any significant events outside of the relationship that have affected him? 

Has he pulled away many times? If he continuously pulls away, then chances are you could be in a push-pull relationship. 

A push-pull relationship is when one party continuously draws the other closely (pull) before distancing themselves completely (push).  

Your partner will oscillate between being completely affectionate and close to you, and then gradually ignoring you. 

This pattern of behavior creates an unhealthy dynamic in the relationship especially when you’re on the receiving end of this behavior. 

Before determining what to do in this dynamic, let’s unpack the possible reasons why your man pulls away in a long-distance relationship. 

12 Reasons Why A Man Pulls Away In A Long-Distance Relationship 

When reading the possible reasons why your man pulls away, it’s important to consider the dynamics of your current long-distance relationship and then identify which reason might be relevant. 

1. Fear of intimacy 

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When a man pulls away in a long-distance relationship, it often means that he has a fear of intimacy. 

This means that he fears being vulnerable with someone. Yet being in a relationship requires one to do so. 

Your man might be pulling away because being vulnerable means being honest and showing all the good and bad parts of ourselves. 

This can be an uncomfortable process for him because he fears you might not accept his true authentic self and be emotionally hurt by the possibility of rejection. 

So to protect himself, he’s choosing to pull away from this relationship. 

2. He had a bad experience with his previous relationship 

Perhaps the last time your boyfriend was in a relationship, it didn’t end well, and pulling away in a long-distance relationship is a defense mechanism. 

Pulling away is his way of protecting himself from getting hurt again. 

3. He has an insecure attachment 

Attachment style theory was founded by psychologist John Bowlby in 1950 and expanded by Mary Ainsworth. 

The theory outlines how your bond with your primary caregivers shapes how you navigate and behave in your relationships. 

There are mainly four types of attachment styles but the one that could be most relevant to your partner pushing and pulling away is the disorganized anxious-attachment style. 

This style stems from extremely inconsistent parenting that isn’t aligned with the child’s needs. People with this style grew up with parents who would be overly coddling and then completely detached. 

Growing up in this environment has made your partner feel anxious in a relationship for fear of abandonment or rejection. 

Yet, they also crave intimacy but then run away as soon as they have it for fear that it will be taken away. 

4. He’s indecisive 

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When a man pulls away in a long-distance relationship, it could also mean that he’s unsure whether he wants to pursue this long-distance relationship. 

He’s keen to stay when the relationship is good but draws back when there’s conflict. Or perhaps he’s thinking twice about whether he can commit to a long-distance relationship. 

Either way, his indecisiveness is what’s causing him to pull away. 

5. He lacks commitment 

Your man being indecisive correlates with his commitment. 

By not being determined whether to pursue this long-distance relationship, he’s more likely to pull away rather than commit to making this relationship work. 

6. He wants to enforce power dynamics 

If you’ve noticed him pulling away repeatedly i.e. you’re experiencing a push-pull relationship, chances are this dynamic might be a form of control. 

Always accepting him back when he pulls into a relationship enables him to pull away whenever he wants in this long-distance relationship. 

This is because it shows there aren’t serious consequences for him pulling away and that he has control over how this relationship operates. 

7. He struggles to communicate how he feels 

There’s a possibility that when a man pulls away in a long-distance relationship, it doesn’t mean he’s not interested. Rather, there might be concerns or insecurities that he’s struggling to communicate to you. 

If this is the case, then some patience and an honest conversation need to take place so you can address this matter. 

8. He’s preoccupied with other matters 

Your man could be so busy with work or managing a family matter that it’s made him less available to you. 

It’s normal for our partners to have other priorities that need tending to. If this is the case, then it’s a matter of realigning when to catch up. 

9. He’s losing interest 

A tough but valid point to consider is that he’s no longer interested in pursuing this long-distance relationship. What could cause his lack of interest varies but here are a few potential reasons. 

10. Lack of emotional connection 

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Maintaining a relationship, regardless if it’s a long-distance one or not, requires consistent effort from both parties. 

Reflecting on your relationship, have you both made time for each other by scheduling online date nights? 

Have you been checking in with each other? How have you both shown love and affection towards each other recently? 

Sometimes when a man pulls away in a long-distance relationship, it’s because their emotional needs have been neglected over time. 

11. The physical distance is taking a toll 

Being in a long-distance relationship requires the utmost commitment, patience, and perseverance from both parties. 

This can take a toll on your partner which is valid. Pulling away could mean that your man is taking a step back and reassessing whether it’s worth pursuing this relationship. 

12. He has difficulty envisioning how to close the gap 

Being in a long-distance relationship must be a temporary arrangement. How long it will take to close the gap varies depending on your current circumstances. 

Questions need to be addressed such as who should make the move? How long will the process take? What needs to be done to get there? 

So when a man pulls away in a long-distance relationship, it could be that he’s overwhelmed by the process. Instead of leaning in and tackling these questions one at a time, he’s chosen flight mode. 

10 Things To Do When A Man Pulls Away In A Long-Distance Relationship 

When a man pulls away in a long-distance relationship, it doesn’t necessarily signal the end of it. So before jumping to conclusions, here’s what you can do when he’s pulling away. 

1. Initiate the conversation 

The best thing you can do is to initiate a conversation rather than ruminate over why your man is pulling away in a long-distance relationship. 

Explain your intention for this conversation. Your partner might feel reluctant to share or have difficulty articulating his feelings so reassure him that you’re not looking for an argument.  

You can phrase it like this: “I’ve noticed you’ve been distant and I just want to know how you’re feeling”. 

2. Actively listen to your partner’s concerns

There might be moments during the conversation where you want to respond or react to what your boyfriend has to say. 

However, it’s important to give your partner the space to share openly without fear of judgment. One way to do this is by practicing empathy. 

Empathy refers to understanding people’s emotions and seeing things from their perspective. 

You can practice empathy by actively listening to your partner’s concerns. This means being fully present so you can understand his concerns. 

A few other tips include: 

• Avoid thinking about how you’re going to respond as this will distract you from the conversation.
• Maintain eye contact.
• Nod in acknowledgment.
• Interrupt only if you’re seeking clarification.

3. Identify solutions together 

Now that you know why your man pulls away in a long-distance relationship, the next step is to determine whether you’re both still committed to making this relationship work. 

If you both are, then discuss how you can work towards resolving your boyfriend’s concerns and make both of you feel secure in this long-distance relationship. 

4. Make bids for connection 

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If a man pulls away in a long-distance relationship due to emotional neglect, then one solution would be to make bids for a connection. 

Relationship expert and psychologist, Dr. John Gottman coined the term bids which refers to any attempt from one partner to another for a positive connection. 

This can be as small as sending a good morning message or as significant as asking for advice. 

The point is that when our partner responds affectionately towards such bids and when done consistently, it can foster deeper connection and love for each other.  

What are small but significant ways you and your partner can make bids for connection? What gestures have you done previously that made your boyfriend feel loved and appreciated? 

Identifying and applying the answer(s) will contribute towards making your partner feel closer in this relationship. 

5. Offer reassurance 

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There’s no denying that being in a long-distance relationship is hard. I’ve explained in a previous article that one of the challenges of being in a long-distance relationship is that it can feel isolating. 

There might be moments you want to share with your partner but he’s not physically around. Your relationship is centered around schedules and leaves no room for spontaneity. 

This can take an emotional toll on your partner especially when no one around him can relate to your situation. 

During these moments, it’s important to offer your partner reassurance. It’s easy to let negative thoughts cloud your current perception. 

So the best way to support your partner in this scenario is to zoom out and remind each other why you’ve chosen to be together despite the distance. 

6. Set short and long-term goals 

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If your man is pulling away in a long-distance relationship due to a lack of clarity of where your long-distance relationship is heading, then it’s best to seek realignment and establish goals. 

You should enter a long-distance relationship to close the gap. Of course, when this will happen varies among long-distance couples. 

I understand how overwhelming this process can be as there are plenty of factors when determining who should move or where. 

If you’re still unsure, allocate time to discuss what you want your future to look like and how you can achieve it together. Be honest with yourself during this conversation. 

On the question of where to settle down, consider factors like job opportunities, visa requirements (if you live in different countries), and lifestyle. 

Then set intentions for your next visit. Perhaps the next time you head over to see him, you can experience what it’s like to be a local and vice versa so that you can make an informed decision. 

As you define your long-term goals, you can establish short-term ones like deciding when you’ll see each other next. 

Getting clear about what you both want and establishing actionable steps to get there can make your partner feel secure as it shows commitment and love on your part. 

7. Celebrate progress 

Being in a long-distance relationship can feel like a long journey. So, whenever you’ve achieved a milestone in your journey, take a moment to celebrate. 

Taking a moment to celebrate your progress as a couple might prevent your man from pulling away in the future. 

This is because these wins will remind both of you how far you’ve come and will inspire you to keep persevering. 

8. Seek professional help 

Navigating emotions can feel overwhelming and sometimes there’s only so much you can do to reassure your partner. 

Provided that he’s committed to this relationship, then he can consider seeking professional help from a therapist or counselor to help manage his anxiety or attachment style. 

9. Consider ending the relationship 

A hard truth you might have to consider is ending the relationship. When a man pulls away in a long-distance relationship once, often his reasons are valid. 

However, when a man pulls away in a long-distance relationship repeatedly, it’s a pattern that he’s choosing to enforce. 

Regardless of his intentions, this pull-and-push dynamic isn’t healthy because it can create cycles of emotional manipulation, insecurity, and anxiety. 

As mentioned earlier, if you’re experiencing a push-pull dynamic, this can cause tension, and reduce trust, and safety within your long-distance relationship. 

So if you’ve been down this road before and you’re beginning to feel anxious, then you might want to reconsider this relationship. 

You should be in a relationship that makes you feel safe and calm, not anxious and ruminating over his commitment. 

10. Respect his decision 

Alternatively, you might find yourself in a situation where he’s pulling away because he’s no longer interested in pursuing this long-distance relationship. 

Should this be the conclusion from your discussion, then it’s important to respect his decision. I know this is easier said than done, but you shouldn’t try to force anyone to stay. 

You deserve to be with someone who chooses you every day. 

Frequently asked questions 

Why is he pulling away long distance?

He feels pressured. This is unfortunately one of the most common reasons why a man pulls away in a long-distance relationship, especially when you’ve started dating. If he senses that you’re very invested quickly, this might make him feel overwhelmed and press pause.  

How to know if he is losing interest in a long-distance relationship? 

They don’t communicate with you as often as they used to. If your partner avoids having meaningful conversations, they keep conversations short and avoid sharing their feelings with you. 

Should I give him space if he’s pulling away?

Rather than jump to conclusions, stay calm. I understand it’s upsetting when he’s pulling away so ask him where his head’s at and be open to giving him space. One of the best things you can do for your relationship is to give your guy room to miss you and let him have space if he wants it. 

Conclusion 

When a man pulls away in a long-distance relationship, the first thing we must do is avoid jumping to conclusions. 

A healthy relationship is one where you can create a safe space for both of you to express honestly. So, ask him how he’s feeling and listen to understand his perspective. 

If he does admit that he’s no longer interested, respect his decision and move on. You deserve to be with someone who is committed to making a relationship work with you. 

Whatever it is, I hope that you’ll find the outcome you’re looking for. All the best.