when to call it quits in a long-distance relationship (15 signs)

When to call it quits in a long-distance relationship? I’m assuming you’ve reached a point in your relationship where you’re wondering if it’s worth it. 

It’s not an easy decision to make. When to call it quits in a long-distance relationship is a question that requires plenty of thought and consideration. 

Regardless of whether you choose to call it quits in a long-distance relationship or stay, both present their challenges and rewards. 

I hope my article can offer you clarity on when to call it quits in a long-distance relationship. 

Summary 

• When to call it quits in a long-distance relationship (15 signs) 
• How to end a long-distance relationship (7 steps) 
• Frequently asked questions 
  • How do you know when it’s time to leave a long-distance relationship? 
  • Is it OK to give up on a long-distance relationship? 
  • What does an unhealthy long-distance relationship look like? 
• Conclusion 

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When To Call It Quits In A Long-Distance Relationship (15 signs) 

These are 15 signs to consider when contemplating when to call it quits in a long-distance relationship. 

Identify which ones resonate with you and reflect on whether they’re significant enough to call it quits on this long-distance relationship. 

1. When you learn you have different non-negotiable values 

Values refer to fundamental beliefs that guide our actions and behavior. A common value that some would want in a partner is having the same religious beliefs. 

This is because part of their identity is strongly tied to their faith and they would want a partner who understands this part of them. 

If this value is important to you or you have one that is non-negotiable, and your partner doesn’t share the same value, then you need to consider whether this person is right for you, especially in the long term. 

Don’t hold on to the hope that they might change over time as you’ll risk disappointment and resentment. 

So think about your non-negotiable values and compare them against your current relationship. If your core values differ, then it’s time to call it quits. 

2. When you no longer trust each other 

Credit: Tumisu 

Trust is one of the most fundamental traits to have in a long-distance relationship. If you’re worried that your partner won’t be faithful to you during a long-distance relationship, you need to unpack this thought. 

Why do you feel insecure in this relationship? If you need your partner to tell you their whereabouts all the time, this can make your partner uneasy because it feels like they’re being surveilled. 

Your relationship should be a source of safety not stress, and if you cannot learn to trust each other, then this is when to call it quits in a long-distance relationship. 

3. When you no longer respect your partner 

Respect is another important trait to have in a relationship. Has your partner made choices that question their decision-making skills?

Do you respect them less because of the choices they’ve made? Are you beginning to feel superior to your partner? 

If left unchecked, you’ll continue to develop long-negative thoughts over your partner and gradually feel contempt for them. 

Whenever conflict arises, you’ll start attacking your partner for their character, rather than over the situation. 

You won’t be able to isolate the conflict from your partner which can make it challenging to forgive and resolve any arguments. 

Relationship expert and psychologist, Dr. John Gottman believes that contempt is one of the key traits that kills relationships.

So if you no longer see each other as equals, then it’s best to call it quits in a long-distance relationship. 

4. When your needs aren’t met 

Another sign of when to call it quits in a long-distance relationship is when your needs aren’t met. 

Reflect on how your boyfriend treats you. Does he make you feel safe? Do you feel affection? 

Does he respect you? If these basic needs aren’t even met, you must reconsider this relationship. 

Perhaps you’ve learned that there are practical needs your boyfriend cannot provide like stability. 

Alternatively, lack of physical intimacy is also a valid reason to call it quits. If physical intimacy is what you need, then it might not be worth pursuing this long-distance relationship. 

5. When there’s a lack of commitment or imbalance in commitment 

When you enter a relationship, regardless if it’s a long-distance relationship or not, love becomes a verb. 

This means you choose to love your partner through your actions. Loving someone no longer becomes a feeling but a practice. 

Examples of showing commitment that my boyfriend and I also practice are scheduling video calls and planning when to see each other next. 

If this commitment isn’t present in the relationship or you feel you’re giving more than you’re receiving from your partner, then it’s time to call it quits in a long-distance relationship. 

6. When neither one is willing to compromise for the relationship

At some point, you’ll need to consider how to move forward in your long-distance relationship. There are two options: Either close the distance or call it quits. 

If neither one of you is willing to move to sustain the relationship, then it’s time to call it quits in a long-distance relationship. 

Perhaps you cannot uproot your life because you need to be close to your family or your partner cannot move because they’re tied down to their job. 

These reasons are valid and aren’t an indication that you love your partner less. Rather they’re a priority and this relationship isn’t compatible with this current stage of your life. 

7. When you cannot decide on a shared vision together 

Credit Tumisu

What kind of future do you want to build for yourself? What goals do you want to achieve? Does your partner fall neatly into this vision of your life? 

What are his/her goals? Do you fall neatly into their vision of their life? I hope these questions aren’t overwhelming. 

Rather, it’s a call to look inward and reflect on what you and your partner want for your future selves. If you can decide on a shared vision, then that’s great! You have something to work towards together. 

However, if your visions diverge i.e. you want to start a family but your partner wants to travel the world, then you need to discuss whether you both should stay together. 

If you cannot settle on a compromise, then it’s time to call it quits on this long-distance relationship. 

8. When you feel like you’ve grown apart when you physically meet 

Credit: Jupilu

Are you struggling to get into a routine with each other? Is there a lack of meaningful connection when you reunite? 

You might have experienced change during your physical time apart. Perhaps you and your partner are experiencing growth at a different pace. 

If you feel that your partner isn’t able to keep up with your growth or vice versa, then it’s time to consider calling it quits. 

9. When you no longer want the same thing 

It’s important to check in with your partner and see if they still want to pursue this long-distance relationship and if they want to close the distance as well. 

If for whatever reason, they say no or you don’t want to pursue this relationship any longer, then discuss why that is and if there’s anything you both can do to resolve it. 

It’s normal to have these challenges in your relationship. What matters is that you address them rather than sweep them under the carpet. 

Once you’ve had a discussion, then you can decide how to move forward. If either one of you no longer wants to put in the work, then it’s best to let them go. 

There’s no point trying to force someone to stay if their heart isn’t in it. 

10. When there’s no solution to your problem 

If you’ve exhausted all your options or you’ve learned that there’s no way to overcome your problem, then the best way to move forward is to let this relationship go. 

It’s a harsh truth but sometimes relationships aren’t meant to last and that’s okay. 

11. When the relationship drains your energy

Think about how you feel when you’re physically together. Does it offer a source of comfort or inspiration? Or are you constantly bickering and feeling drained by their company? 

When we’re in a long-distance relationship, we don’t often experience the nuances when being in each other’s company. 

So when you do spend physical quality time together, assess how you feel when you’re with them. You might find that it’s not worth staying in a long-distance relationship. 

12. When your partner keeps delaying serious conversations 

Some couples agree to enter a long-distance relationship to try it out. The next step is then figuring out what’s next. 

Naturally, if you both still want to be together, then you’ll need to start planning who will make the transition to move. 

If your partner continues to delay this conversation or if you keep having to initiate it, then it sounds like they’re not serious about closing the distance. 

There’s no denying that the experience will be overwhelming but if they continue to delay this shift, then it’s only going to make you feel stuck and frustrated in this relationship. 

If you’re beginning to feel this way, confront them about what’s holding them back from moving forward. Otherwise, consider calling it quits in a long-distance relationship.

13. When maintaining the relationship feels like an obligation  

There’s a difference between choice and obligation. The former refers to doing an act because you want to. The latter refers to doing an act because you have to. 

Maintaining relationships can be difficult but it shouldn’t feel like a burden. Rather you should feel good knowing that it’s bringing you closer together. 

If you’re beginning to feel like you have to rather than want to maintain this relationship, take a step back and ask yourself if your heart is really in it. 

If it isn’t, then you know that it’s time to call it quits in a long-distance relationship. 

14. When you simply no longer want to be with your partner 

The more you get to know them, the more you realize that they no longer meet the expectations you are looking for in a partner. 

I’m here to assure you that it’s okay to change your mind about the person you’re with. Once you’ve truly seen the person for who they are rather than what they could potentially be, you’ve learned that this isn’t what you want in a partner. 

Perhaps having the distance has given you the clarity you need on how to move forward with this relationship. 

15. When this person doesn’t inspire you and make you feel excited 

When you’re in a long-distance relationship, you have to rely on verbal communication to sustain a connection and to learn about them. 

You cannot observe them as often and see how they move in this world. Ask yourself, as you get to know them, 

Does this person inspire me? Do they make me feel excited? Do they demonstrate instances of being a good and kind partner? 

Notice how they react when you share good news. Are they supportive? 

If they don’t, then it’s worth reconsidering this relationship and calling it quits on this long-distance relationship. 

How To End Long-Distance Relationship (7 steps) 

Break-ups aren’t easy and can be messy. You cannot control how your partner will take it but can manage how to approach it. So if you’ve decided to call it quits, here’s my advice on approaching the break-up.

1. Gather your thoughts 

Credit: Pexels 

Take a moment to think about whether this is what you truly want. Consider the above points and identify if any of them resonate with you. 

At the end of the day, what matters is making a decision that feels right for you. 

2. Initiate the conversation 

It’s normally advised to initiate break-ups in person. However, under your circumstances, the best way to call it quits in a long-distance relationship is over a video call. 

Explain to him that you’d like to speak to him about the status of your relationship and where you see it going. 

3. Be honest but kind 

Your partner might not see it coming or maybe there’ve been apparent signs. Regardless, remember to approach the conversation with care. 

Breaking up over a video call means we cannot be there to hold their hand or physically console them so greater emphasis must be given to your delivery. 

You may start with, “There’s no easy way to say this, but I want to end this relationship”. Explain to him why you’re ending this relationship. 

4. Don’t take how they react personally

Break-ups aren’t easy and if they react very strongly towards it, don’t take it personally. There’s nothing you can say or do to combat the hurt that your partner is experiencing. 

The most you can do is just be there as they go through the motions. Remember why you’ve chosen to end the relationship and commit to it. 

5. Embrace the emotions 

Credit: Allinoch 

After you’ve ended the relationship, allow yourself to embrace how you’re feeling. I’m sure you’ll encounter guilt, sadness, pain, and hurt. 

Even if you know it’s the right decision, that doesn’t mean you’ll feel good about it. So don’t suppress these emotions but rather allow them to flow within you. 

6. Be self-compassionate 

When a relationship ends, you might start judging yourself. If you catch yourself thinking that you’ve failed or that you didn’t try hard enough, take a step back and offer self-compassion. 

Often, we feel disappointed when we don’t fulfill our goals or when romantic relationships don’t work out. I’m here to remind you to not be hard on yourself. 

7. Reach out for support 

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Overcoming a break-up will take time. But it doesn’t mean you have to overcome it on your own. 

Don’t hesitate to reach out for support from your loved ones. Talking to them or even being in their company will do wonders for your mental health. 

If your partner reaches out post-break-up looking for support, offer it kindly but be firm with your boundaries. This means that you’re committed to your decision and won’t be swayed into changing your mind. 

You can schedule weekly to monthly check-ins until you’re both finally ready to move on. It takes time to heal and I know this is easier said than done, but trust the process. 

If you have the financial means, you can consider reaching out to a licensed therapist to help you navigate your emotions and support your healing process.

Frequently Asked Questions 

How do you know when it’s time to leave a long-distance relationship? 

Trust is vital in any relationship, especially in a long-distance relationship. As you two don’t see each other daily, your partner only has your word to rely on. If you feel like you’re constantly being questioned about what you’re doing and who you’re with, then it’s time to call it quits. 

Is it OK to give up on a long-distance relationship? 

It is OK to leave. People leave relationships because they’ve outgrown each other, or the situation has changed making it unsustainable to maintain the relationship. 

What does an unhealthy long-distance relationship look like? 

If your partner is messaging you constantly, asking where you are, or demanding that you send pictures of people that you’re with, then that’s a relationship red flag. They’ll say “I want to make sure you’re not with anyone I dislike” or “I’m just checking in on you” to disguise their controlling behavior. 

Conclusion 

I understand what a difficult decision this must be. Take your time to process this article. Ultimately, you need to ask yourself whether you like this person enough to want to spend your life together.

If you’re still unsure, be honest with your partner about how you’re feeling about this relationship. Perhaps the conversation will offer clarity over how to move forward. All the best!