Why Is My Boyfriend A Different Person When He’s Drunk? (8 Reasons)

“Why is my boyfriend a different person when he’s drunk?” 

This is a question I had to grapple with in my relationship. I noticed my boyfriend was behaving out of character after a few drinks. 

I initially ignored it but after several dates, I realized that I wasn’t okay with his drinking habits.

The final straw was when we got into a huge argument after a night out of drinking. 

If you’re going through a similar situation, this doesn’t necessarily mean the start of the end. Rather, it’s a call to address your concerns with your boyfriend and to identify how to move forward. 

However, if you’re suffering from domestic abuse due to your partner’s alcoholism, please reach out to National Domestic Hotline service.

I’ll be addressing those who aren’t experiencing any form of abuse but feel distressed by their boyfriend’s drunk behavior.

Summary 

• 8 reasons why my boyfriend is a different person when he’s drunk
• Does a man’s true character come out when he’s drunk? 
• 12 ways to prevent your boyfriend’s drunk behavior from affecting your relationship 
• Conclusion 

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• My Boyfriend Is Acting Weird – 18 Things To Consider 
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• My Boyfriend Makes Me Feel Bad About Myself – What Do I Do? 

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8 Reasons Why My Boyfriend Is A Different Person When He’s Drunk 

There are several reasons why you think my boyfriend is a different person when he’s drunk.

The reasons can be narrowed down to three themes: neurological factors, external environment, and inherent factors. 

Let’s go over it one by one. 

1. My boyfriend is a different person when he’s drunk because alcohol lowers your inhibition 

American neuroscientist, Dr. Huberman gives a great explanation of how alcohol consumption affects our brain which I’ve summarised here. 

When alcohol is ingested, it lightly suppresses the activity of neurons in the prefrontal cortex of the brain.

The prefrontal cortex of the brain is responsible for our thinking, planning, suppressing impulsive behavior, and controlling our inhibition. 

So say you’re at a party and everyone’s been drinking. You’ll notice everyone is talking loudly and is more animated. 

This is because people are not regulating their speech volume or behavior due to the suppression of neuron activity in the prefrontal cortex. 

When the brain’s prefrontal cortex shuts down, it doesn’t control our inhibition making us more likely to say or do things without thinking.

This explains why your boyfriend is a different person when he’s drunk.

The part of his brain that regulates his behavior is no longer functioning so he’s more likely to be impulsive. 

2. Alcohol stops him from processing information rationally 

If you’re wondering why is my boyfriend a different person when he’s drunk, it’s because alcohol prevents rational thinking.

Alcohol affects areas of the brain that are responsible for decision-making. When we’re sober, we’re more likely to reconsider how to respond to social cues.  

However, when we’re drunk, we’re more likely to experience poor judgment and misinterpret the situation. 

For example, has your boyfriend overreacted to a non-threatening situation, such as someone accidentally bumping into you? 

Or if someone looks at him funny, does he mistake that as a call to pick a fight? 

Alcohol itself doesn’t cause aggression but because it reduces the inability to process information rationally, it subsequently increases the level of aggression in response to provocation.  

This then explains why your boyfriend is a different person when he’s drunk. 

3. Alcohol leads to a narrowed perception or alcohol myopia 

The alcohol myopia theory by Steele and Joseph (1990) states that excessive alcohol consumption affects the mind and body in such a way as to make the person act “mentally shortsighted”.  

They respond to the environment’s most salient or outstanding cues relative to other cues.

For example, they’ll pay more attention to a red dot in a group of white dots. 

In hostile situations where aggression is the most salient cue, alcohol will narrow our perception of these provocative cues.

So if your drunk boyfriend is in an environment where everyone is rowdy, he will most likely emulate the prominently rowdy behavior.

4. My boyfriend is a different person when he’s drunk due to his social environment 

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As mentioned earlier, alcohol has a “myopic” effect on our thinking. In hostile situations where aggression is obvious, provocative cues are given more attention than inhibiting cues. 

This is confirmed in an experiment by Giancola, Duke, and Ritz which involved 16 intoxicated male social drinkers. 

They were tasked to administer an electric shock to a fake opponent in a competitive reaction-time task.

One group was exposed to violence-promoting cues whereas the other group was exposed to non-violent promoting cues. 

The group that was exposed to violence and listening to angry music administered more intense shocks.

Whereas the group that was exposed to peaceful images and calm music administered less intense shocks.

Despite consuming the same amount of alcohol, the participants exposed to violence-promoting cues were more aggressive than the other group. 

This confirms that social environments can influence how your boyfriend behaves when he’s drunk. 

If he’s in a hostile environment, then chances are he will most likely behave according to the most prominent cue. 

5. My boyfriend is a different person when he’s drunk due to being influenced by his friends’ 

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Have you asked your boyfriend to describe a night out with his friends? Or have you socialized with his friends before? What are they like? 

Your boyfriend’s drunk behavior could be influenced by his peers who are aggressive drunks.

When they get together for drinks, they’ll be aggressive and loud, and your boyfriend is merely replicating this behavior. 

6. My boyfriend has an impulsive personality trait 

Alternatively, it could be that your boyfriend is the same person but alcohol has heightened an existing personality trait. 

In a study conducted by Psychologist Brad Bushman, people who consider the consequences of their actions don’t get more aggressive when they’re drunk.   

Those who don’t think about the consequences of their actions are more aggressive when sober, and this aggression is magnified when drunk. 

Are there instances where your boyfriend has shown impulsive behavior when sober? 

Perhaps it wasn’t obvious but due to the myopic nature of alcohol his impulsivity is more prominent when drunk. 

7. Alcohol depletes serotonin levels 

Serotonin is a chemical in the body that is needed to regulate our mood and overall well-being. 

Drinking alcohol can temporarily boost serotonin levels, making you feel happier. 

However, in the long run, excess alcohol consumption can lower serotonin levels leading to disruptions in mood and emotional regulation. 

So if your boyfriend is a different person when he’s drunk, it could be due to a depletion of serotonin levels.

This makes it more difficult for him to manage his emotions. 

8. Genetics and exposure to alcohol abuse growing up 

According to the National Institute On Alcohol Abuse And Alcoholism, having a close family member or relative can increase one’s probability of alcohol use disorder (AUD) by 60%. 

Genetics coupled with exposure to parents’ drinking patterns contributes to your chances of  AUD.

The reason your boyfriend is a different person when he’s drunk could be due to his family’s background or upbringing. 

Observing how his family behaved around alcohol has influenced his relationship with it. 

This doesn’t mean he’s determined to have an AUD but identifying the cause of his behavior can offer understanding and help identify ways to manage it. 

Does A Man’s True Character Come Out When He’s Drunk? 

Based on multiple readings, the short answer is inconclusive.

But as discussed earlier alcohol can influence how we think and behave. 

For instance, you might be nervous but after a few drinks, you’re relaxed and willing to go on the dancefloor. 

Does this mean you’re more outgoing? Not necessarily. What this shows is alcohol can make us more prone to do or say things we normally wouldn’t.

It’s also important to consider that, according to psychologist Leon F. Seltzer, Ph.D., alcohol does prompt you to manifest non-dominant thoughts that you’d normally detach yourself from especially if they’re deemed immoral.

Concerning aggressive behavior, alcohol by itself doesn’t cause aggression.

However, because it reduces the inability to process information rationally, one is more likely to be aggressive when provoked. 

Alcohol can also heighten existing personality traits. For instance, if one displays signs of being impulsive when they’re sober, then they will be more impulsive when they’re drunk. 

Another aspect to consider is one’s external environment when drinking. If the atmosphere is rowdy, consuming alcohol will heighten any feeling of tension you’re experiencing.  

It’s clear that how a person behaves when they’re drunk is dependent on neurological, psychological, and external factors, and not necessarily a reflection of his true character. 

If you’re not happy with how your boyfriend behaves when he’s drunk, explain how you feel and see how he responds. I believe how he responds is more of an important indicator of his true character. 

12 Ways To Prevent Your Boyfriend’s Drunk Behavior From Affecting Your Relationship 

1. Gather your thoughts on how you feel about your boyfriend when he’s drunk 

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Take a moment to calm yourself before gathering your thoughts. It’s important to be objective and in a clear headspace as you’re reflecting on your boyfriend’s drunk behavior. 

Be specific when you write down how your boyfriend behaves when he’s drunk. Then think about how your boyfriend’s drunk actions make you feel. 

When I thought about what happened when my boyfriend was drunk, I began to feel scared and worried. 

If you’re experiencing similar feelings as you’re reflecting on your boyfriend’s drunk behavior, I’m here to assure you that what you’re feeling is normal. 

However, rather than dwell on the emotion, I want you to acknowledge it and write it down. See your emotions as a call to address this matter rather than suppress it. 

You can do this by acknowledging it and writing it down so that your boyfriend understands how his drunk behavior is affecting you. 

2. Initiate the conversation when he’s sober 

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When you’re ready, initiate the conversation with your boyfriend by explaining its purpose. 

Be clear that you don’t intend to start an argument but rather to address and hopefully resolve this matter together. 

Framing the conversation as an opportunity to understand and resolve the matter together will make your boyfriend more willing to listen. 

3. Address your boyfriend’s drunk behavior 

Use statements starting with “I” rather than “You” when addressing your boyfriend’s drunk behavior. 

The reasons why “You” statements such as, “You’re so mean to me when you’re drunk” or “You’re so different when you’re drunk” don’t lead to productive conversations: 

1. They sound accusatory and judgmental

2. It invites your boyfriend to defend his actions and not listen to you 

However, leaning in with “I” statements will be more beneficial because the focus of the conversation will be on how his specific actions make you feel. 

Examples of how you can phrase this: 

“I noticed that when you’ve had several pints of beer, you start shouting at people and this makes me feel anxious” 

“I need you to manage your alcohol consumption so that I feel assured we will have a good night out” 

Statements like these reveal specific incidents, state how you feel, and what you need from your boyfriend. 

It’s a call to reflect and change his actions not a judgment on his character. 

4. Listen to his perspective 

How he reacts to this conversation is an indication of how to move forward so give your boyfriend a chance to explain himself.  

If he sounds remorseful, be ready to listen empathetically. Empathy refers to an attempt to emotionally understand how the person is feeling by feeling it with them. 

You can do this by maintaining eye contact, nodding to acknowledge his feelings, and holding his hand for support. 

Speaking from experience, I know how easy it is for anger and resentment to creep up on you as your boyfriend recalls what he did and why.

However, try to be fully present when your boyfriend is vulnerable as it probably took courage for him to address his feelings. 

Hopefully, by the end of the conversation, you’ll understand the root cause of his behavior and you’ll have the answer to, “Why is my boyfriend a different person when he’s drunk”. 

5. Encourage him to see a licensed therapist or peer group for support 

If your boyfriend does admit to having a drinking problem, encourage him to see a licensed therapist or support group to help him navigate this challenge. 

Matters like this require assistance from those who have experience in helping people with excessive alcohol consumption or addiction.

They can offer a listening ear, assist with unlearning certain beliefs, and offer practical solutions.

6. Offer emotional support

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The road to recovery will depend on the severity of your boyfriend’s drinking problem so be ready to offer emotional support. 

One example of offering emotional support is by praising your boyfriend for his efforts. 

This includes saying well done whenever he attends counseling or when he’s gone twenty-one days without drinking alcohol. 

Praising him for specific actions and for achieving small wins will remind him that he’s capable of change and motivate him to stay the course. 

Another way to offer emotional support is to also console him when he’s hard on himself. 

There will be times when your boyfriend feels like he’s regressed so be ready to support him during challenging times. 

Discuss with him as well how he’d like to be supported on this journey. 

7. Assert your boundaries 

I know I said earlier that we should offer emotional support but it’s also important to assert your boundaries. 

Boundaries refer to a set of rules of engagement that a person is comfortable with. 

I know you want to be supportive of your boyfriend’s journey but it doesn’t mean we should tolerate behaviors that make us feel unsafe or distressed. 

Boundaries are not about changing someone’s behavior but about having guidelines that will make for a mutually respectful relationship.

Tell your boyfriend what behavior you’re not comfortable with, what the desired action is instead, and the consequences for overstepping your boundaries.  

If you’re not comfortable with him going out with his friends at night, explain to him why and what you need from him to feel safe. 

An example of how you phrase this: “I feel anxious when you go out with your friends at night because you’ve gotten into trouble when you’re out with them. I want to be assured that you won’t regress into that drunken state”. 

Discuss with him what your desired action is and whether he can respect your boundaries. 

Boundaries don’t have to be rigid but it needs to cater to what makes you both feel seen and heard in this relationship. 

8. Plan dates without alcohol served 

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One way to support your boyfriend on his recovery journey is to avoid going to places where alcohol is served such as pubs or bars. 

Alternatively, you can plan activity-based dates like going for a walk, participating in a sport, or visiting a museum. 

This will not only be more fun but will keep your boyfriend’s mind occupied and less fixated on drinking. 

9. Practise regular drinking habits 

If going cold turkey is too difficult for your boyfriend, you can support him by practicing regular drinking habits with him. 

According to the UK Chief Medical Officers’ Alcohol Guidelines, it’s recommended to not drink regularly more than 14 units per week. 

If you do drink more than 14 units per week, it’s best to spread this evenly over three days or more.  

According to Drinkaware, the UK’s leading alcohol charity, 14 units is equivalent to six pints of average-strength beer or six medium (175ml) glasses of average-strength wine. 

Meanwhile, the 2020-2025 US Dietary Guidelines for Americans suggests that adults of legal drinking age can drink in moderation by limiting intake to 2 drinks or less in a day for men, on days when alcohol is consumed. 

Another good practice is to consult with other health experts or therapists who are also supporting him on this journey. 

10. Lean in on friends and family for additional support 

As I mentioned earlier, we don’t always have the emotional capacity to be there for our partners. 

That’s why access to community care is necessary so that you and your boyfriend don’t feel isolated or overwhelmed as you navigate this challenge. 

So I hope you have trusted friends and family whom you can lean on for support and to help your boyfriend on his recovery journey. 

11. Monitor his progress 

Schedule weekly, bi-weekly, or monthly check-ins to reflect on your boyfriend’s progress. 

Take this as an opportunity to celebrate his achievements and to discuss what steps have greatly contributed towards his success.

Having these consistent check-ins, I hope, will also give you the reassurance you need from him.

12. Reassess this relationship 

If your boyfriend continues to defend his drunk behavior, makes no effort to improve himself, or oversteps your non-negotiable boundaries, then I would encourage you to reconsider staying in this relationship. 

You cannot change who your boyfriend is and if you want him to, it needs to come from his own volition. 

I know it’s a difficult decision to make but you must think about what you need in your relationship that is uncompromisable. 

If your boyfriend cannot give you that, then it’s time to move on. 

Conclusion 

Understanding why is my boyfriend a different person when he’s drunk encourages empathy. However, it doesn’t mean you should tolerate his actions. 

If something doesn’t feel right whenever your boyfriend is drunk, take it as a sign that you must address this issue with him and work towards resolving it. 

He might not be able to change his drinking habits overnight but so long as he’s committed to improving, be ready to support him on this journey. 

However, if he doesn’t show any willingness to change, be ready to move on instead. All the best.