You’ve noticed your girlfriend has changed. She’s no longer the affectionate person you know and now you’re asking yourself, “Why is my girlfriend so mean to me?”
I’m sure it can feel confusing when the person you love starts being mean to you. You’re also feeling frustrated because you cannot pinpoint what caused your girlfriend to be so mean to you.
I’m guilty of being mean to my boyfriend sometimes and it’s usually for either of these three reasons: a) I’m hungry, b) He’s done something to anger me or c) I’m bothered by something and taking it out on him.
I reckon these reasons might apply to your girlfriend but read below for a more detailed guide on why your girlfriend is so mean to you and what to do about it.
Summary
- 15 reasons why my girlfriend is so mean to me
- 6 ways to handle my girlfriend being mean to me
- My girlfriend is so mean to me. Should I break up with her?
- Frequently asked questions
- What to do when girlfriend is mean to you?
- Why is my girlfriend being mean to me all the time?
- What determines a toxic relationship?
- Conclusion
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DISCLOSURE
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IN A HURRY? HERE ARE THE KEY TAKEAWAYS
- The most common reasons why your girlfriend is so mean to you are:
- You’ve neglected her needs or offended her and she’s not able to communicate them
- Previous conflict has not been addressed
- She’s stressed out and taking her frustrations out on you
- The only way to know for certain and resolve this matter is by discussing with her
- Actively listen to her. If she’s remorseful and wants to improve, work together to identify how to avoid this situation
- Consult with a licensed couples therapist if needed
- If you see no signs of improvement or remorse, then you might want to reconsider if it’s worth staying in this relationship
15 Reasons Why My Girlfriend Is So Mean To Me
There are plenty of reasons why your girlfriend is being mean to you. Be sure to reflect on your current relationship before you consider which reasons apply to you. Some questions for reflection:
- When did you realize that she’s mean to you?
- Has she been consistently mean to you or is this a one-off incident?
- Is she mean to you every time you say or do something specific or at random?
These questions will help you gauge what’s triggered her meanness. So why is my girlfriend so mean to me? Below are 16 possible reasons.
1. my girlfriend is so mean to me because Her Needs Are Not Being Met
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It’s normal for your partner to have emotional and practical needs. Your partner can feel upset when you’re not meeting her needs.
Continuously neglecting your partner’s needs can build resentment and make your partner mean to you. Consider the possibility that you might have played a role as to why is my girlfriend is so mean to me lately.
Don’t be hard on yourself, being in a relationship is a continuous learning process so let’s break down further why your girlfriend is so mean to you.
2. My girlfriend is so mean to me because I Overlook The Little Things
When was the last time you complimented her? Or thanked her for completing a task? Often, we take for granted how important the little things are in sustaining a relationship.
Dr. John Gottman refers to these attempts at building connections as “bids”. These bids don’t have to be grand romantic gestures but small acts of appreciation and affection.
When you choose to show affection or appreciation towards your partner and she responds lovingly, then this will increase your emotional connection.
If you’ve neglected to do these small acts or you’ve not lovingly responded to her bids, then this could be why your girlfriend is so mean to you.
3. My girlfriend is so mean to me because I Said Something To Offend Her
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Did you say something to your girlfriend that upset her? Have you criticized or judged her for her actions?
Chances are you might have said something during a previous conversation to offend her. How you communicate also matters and perhaps you came across as sounding rude or condescending.
Regardless of whether what you said came from a good place, she might have misinterpreted or taken it as an insult.
4. My girlfriend is mean to me because She Feels Misunderstood By me
When your girlfriend confides in you or shares something personal with you, what is your initial response?
Often, whenever someone we care about shares how they feel, our natural reaction is to console them or give advice.
However, saying things like “Oh, don’t be sad, things will get better!”, “Have you tried…” or “I’m sure that person didn’t mean to upset you” aren’t helpful because it invalidates that person’s feelings.
People don’t want solutions, they just want to be understood. Your girlfriend is probably mean to you because she feels misunderstood by you whenever you choose to respond to her feelings like this.
5. Previous Conflict Have Not Been Resolved
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The reason as to why is my girlfriend so mean to me could be because you both have not resolved a previous argument.
Just because you’ve not brought up an issue, doesn’t mean it’s no longer there. There are matters where couples can choose to forgive but that doesn’t mean they will forget.
You both might have chosen to forgive each other in the heat of an argument, but have you gotten to the root cause of the argument?
Your girlfriend might be mean to you because she’s still harboring angry feelings over the conflict and thinks that it’s not been resolved.
6. My girlfriend is mean to me because She’s Under A Lot Of Stress
Has your girlfriend got a lot on her plate at work? Has she been juggling a lot of responsibilities? Is she dealing with family drama or conflict with her friends?
Remember that your girlfriend does have a life outside of your relationship. Perhaps when she’s with her colleagues or friends, she is suppressing her anger.
Because she knows you won’t treat or look at her differently, she takes her stress and meanness out on you.
This isn’t a healthy coping mechanism for her but it does address the question of, “why is my girlfriend so mean to everyone but me?”
7. She’s A Bad Communicator
If you’re wondering why is my girlfriend so mean to me, it could be because she doesn’t know how to communicate her feelings.
Whenever you’ve done something to upset her, instead of communicating immediately that she’s upset, she chooses to suppress it.
Suppressing her feelings rather than confronting, them can build up resentment and eventually cause her to lash out and be mean to you over the little things.
8. She’s Practicing Old Family Patterns
What’s your girlfriend’s relationship like with her parents or primary caregivers? The relationship we have with our primary caregivers can influence our behavior.
Your girlfriend is so mean to you because she might have grown up in an environment where her parents were mean or acted aggressively towards one another.
Being aware of your girlfriend’s upbringing can help you understand why your girlfriend is so mean to you and help you navigate her behavior.
9. She Has Low Self-Esteem
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Sometimes people will say specific things to others because they’re projecting how they feel about themselves.
Projection is a process of displacing one’s feelings onto a person, animal, or object.
For example, if your girlfriend is ridiculing you over your insecurities, it could be that she’s projecting her self-esteem issues onto you.
You shouldn’t take these insults personally if this is the case but you should seek to understand why she thinks so negatively of herself.
10. It’s Part Of Her Personality
Usually, when we get into relationships, we see our partners through rose-tinted glasses. Perhaps your girlfriend has always been mean and you’ve only begun to notice this now that the honeymoon phase is over.
Or maybe she thinks she’s being funny but from your perspective, whatever she says is starting to sound mean.
11. Her Behavior Is Influenced By Past Relationships
Why is my girlfriend so mean to me could be related to past relationships. It could be that your partner has been in relationships where she needs to be mean.
Or it could be that she wasn’t able to express her anger in the past and it’s now appearing in her current relationship with you.
12. My girlfriend and I have Not Established Boundaries
Say your girlfriend made fun of you. You probably found it funny initially but she repeatedly insults or makes jokes over the same thing and it’s beginning to annoy you.
Have you confronted your girlfriend and explained to her that she’s overstepped your boundaries?
It could be that your girlfriend isn’t aware that what she’s said is hurting your feelings. By not communicating this to her, she will continue to behave this way.
13. She Has Mental Health Issues
There are mental health professionals who have suggested that being irritable or angry over minor things are symptoms of someone struggling with their mental health.
However, this isn’t a guaranteed explanation for your girlfriend’s behavior as each individual is different and we don’t want to simply diagnose anyone with a mental health problem.
But it’s a reason worth considering when you approach your girlfriend regarding her mean behavior.
14. She’s No Longer Interested In You
It’s possible that your girlfriend no longer has feelings for you. Couples grow apart and your girlfriend might be mean to you because she’s not sure how to comprehend these feelings of disinterest.
Rather than work through her feelings, she’s choosing to channel these frustrations by being mean to you instead.
15. You Both Aren’t Compatible
They say opposites attract but in this scenario, there’s a possibility that you and your girlfriend are so different that you’re not compatible.
You both have different personalities and it could be that when you both communicate, it rubs each other off the wrong way.
Of course, these are just possible reasons and you won’t know what is causing her to be mean unless you speak with her directly.
6 Ways To Handle my Girlfriend Being Mean to Me
1. Prepare For The Conversation
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Take time to list down moments where you feel she’s hurt your feelings. Reflect and identify if you’ve played a role in her being mean and when her behavior is entirely separate from it.
Consider how you also feel about the relationship generally and how you would like to move forward. You must clarify with yourself where you stand.
2. Initiate The Conversation
Reach out to your girlfriend and schedule a time and date to meet with her. Remember that you will be confronting her on a difficult issue so be sure to schedule this conversation when you’re both relaxed.
Explain to her the purpose of this conversation and reassure her that your intention isn’t to start an argument but to understand her.
3. Calmly Explain What’s Bothering You
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When explaining, avoid starting the conversation with “You statements” such as “You are always so mean to me” or “You don’t care about my feelings” as this will make her feel judged and cause her to get defensive.
When explaining, use “I statement” as this will focus the conversation on your feelings and where it comes from.
To craft a good “I statement”, start with identifying the feeling, then describe the action that’s bothering you and how this act affects you.
You need to be objective by specifying the behavior, otherwise, you will sound judgmental.
For example, if you use “You statements” such as “You are so mean to me”, this could be interpreted by the listener as a judgment of her motivations.
But if you use “I statement” such as “I feel hurt when you ridiculed me in front of our friends and this makes me feel like you don’t respect me as a partner”.
Be patient with yourself as articulating your feelings in this manner takes practice. Just remember that the goal is to make her see things from your point of view. Hopefully, she will be more willing to listen this way.
4. Listen Intently
Practice non-defensive listening when it’s your girlfriend’s turn to speak. This refers to the practice of listening to understand rather than argue.
Avoid interrupting her when she’s speaking. If we choose to console, defend ourselves, or offer solutions when our partner is expressing herself, then we are dismissing their feelings.
You should only stop her if you need her to clarify a point. Let her explain why she’s mean to you.
You can take notes so that you don’t miss what she’s said and you can reflect on this later. This will also help you be rational rather than react immediately.
Take note of your breathing and remember to slow it down especially when the conversation is getting heated. Try your best to remain calm throughout the conversation.
You can also request a pause if you need to recollect your thoughts.
Once you’ve had the conversation, summarize what she’s said so that she knows you’ve been actively listening.
5. Think Things Through
Now that you’ve validated your partner’s feelings, don’t neglect your own. Take this time to process what’s been said and how your girlfriend handled the conversation.
Think about how you feel about the relationship generally. Don’t feel pressured to decide how to move forward straight away. Give yourself a few days to think about it.
If you intend to stay in this relationship, identify what your boundaries are. Boundaries refer to appropriate behaviors that ensure the couple feels safe in the relationship.
Identify what behavior you will no longer tolerate. If you played a role in her being mean to you, then identify what it is you’re willing to do for her to ensure she feels safe.
6. Identify Solutions Together
If you’ve decided to stay in this relationship, discuss how you both can move forward from this.
Communicate your needs and boundaries in this relationship so that she knows how to make you feel safe.
Ask her what you can do to make her feel less agitated or frustrated. Reassure her that it’s a safe space for her to share how she feels if she’s not used to expressing her anger.
Both sides must make an effort to show up in the relationship by making small “bids” for connection.
Consider seeking professional help or seeing a licensed couples therapist if you want to sustain the relationship but aren’t sure how to resolve the matter.
Having a professional third party will hopefully ease the process and help you navigate this situation better.
Frequently Asked Questions
My Girlfriend Is So Mean To Me. Should I Breakup With Her?
If your girlfriend still chooses to belittle you, disregard your feelings, or try to convince you that you’re overreacting even after talking to her calmly, then this is an indication that she doesn’t respect you or the relationship enough to improve herself.
You’ve communicated your boundaries and she continues to overstep them. She makes you feel uncared for and unloved. These signs point towards ending the relationship.
I’m sure you wish that things could work out, but if she’s not willing to understand you and isn’t aware of her behavior enough to change it, then you will be setting yourself up for disappointment.
Remember, your mental health should be a priority and you deserve to be with someone who respects your boundaries and who can meet your needs.
What To Do When Girlfriend Is Mean To You?
Ask her what is wrong and why she is behaving the way she is. Perhaps she is being difficult because she’s insecure or isn’t happy with something in the relationship.
The only way to find out is through communication so initiate the conversation with her. Talking over things can hopefully resolve the matter.
Why Is My Girlfriend Being Mean To Me All The Time?
Generally, there are several possible reasons such as she’s got mental health issues, she’s met someone else, or she doesn’t know how to express her emotions.
If your girlfriend has been treating you like an arch-rival lately, then these are just a few reasons but you won’t truly know unless you talk to her.
What determines a toxic relationship?
Only you can decide if the cons outweigh the pros in a relationship but if someone consistently threatens your well-being by what they’re saying, doing, or not doing, it’s likely a toxic relationship.
If there is physical or verbal abuse in the relationship, then it’s classified as toxic and you need to leave.
Conclusion
Why is my girlfriend so mean to me is a common question yet the answers vary as each relationship is different.
Context matters so it’s important to talk directly with your girlfriend and ask her why she’s being mean to you.
Be patient as you navigate this difficult topic and I hope you do find a resolution to this matter. All the best!